Once Upon A Time, In Therapy
by AllyR
Summary: How do you feel when your dad forces you into therapy? How do you deal with a boyfriend you can't seem to break up with? What do you do about the mysterious green-eyed boy who seems to hate everyone? Ask Bella Swan. AU, AH, OOC
1. Your Gravest Words

**Chapter One**

**Your Gravest Words**

_All these words trip over cracks in the sidewalks._

_Uptown, one year. _

_I'm distantly distressed._

_I'm finally coming close to ghost._

_I'm dancing on your gravest words_

_I'm toasting all the coldest stares. _

_All the loneliest of eyes. _

_I am a satellite never getting signals right. _

_You are a constellation._

_I can barely make you out tonight._

_The city lights are burning too bright. _

_I cut and paste these sections of maps into my days._

_Sunspots. _

_Almost feverish. _

_Can you feel me shivering? _

_I'm finally breaking out of orbit._

_I'm clinging to your finest words._

_I'm draining all the angry glares._

_All that's building up inside. _

_And the dreamers... _

_Walk slowly through the crowds, nothing can stop us now._

"Charlie, this is not denial. This is the truth. I. Do. Not. Have. A. Problem. So get over this little idea, because there's no way in hell I'm going!"

I'd never spoken to Charlie that way before, and I could tell by the shocked look on his face that no one ever had. As a cop, you'd think he'd be used to people mouthing off to him.

But then again, he is a cop in_ Forks._ Enough said.

"Isabella Marie Swan, you will NOT speak to your father like that. I don't know what else to do with you. You're going. The appointment is in an hour, so you'd better get going."

I just shrugged, figuring I could pretend to go and then really head to the movies or something. But Charlie knew me too well.

"Oh, and Bella? I'm driving."

Yeah…there went that plan. Ugh, I knew I shouldn't have come home last night. I could have easily told Charlie I was sleeping over at Angela's for the weekend.

At least until the swelling went down.

Jacob was usually pretty smart about hitting me in places where no one could see the damage. But I had pissed him off too bad this time by responding to an innocent question about homework that Mike Newton asked me in the parking lot.

I'd never seen Jake lose it like that. He started in on me right there in the car, not even waiting until we got to his house.

Since I hadn't been eating properly for a while, and my skin was so pale, the bruises stayed longer than they should have; thus, Charlie saw them.

I tried to play it off like my normal clumsiness was to blame, but I've always been a terrible liar.

Plus, how could I have possibly fallen in such a way that I had two black eyes and a split lip bad enough to need seven stitches? Jake was gonna kill me when he found out Charlie knew.

That is, if Charlie didn't kill Jake first. When he figured out what was going on, I've never seen Charlie's face so purple. It was pretty hilarious.

Anyways, Charlie decided I needed help. He said, and I quote, "You need help Bells. I've never seen you so depressed. You never eat, and you have this _attitude_. I'm taking you to group therapy."

He claimed that I'm in denial about my "abusive relationship" and that I'm "unhealthily thin". Apparently, the fact that he should mind his own damn business never occurred to him.

So that's how I ended up at group therapy, sitting in a circle, discussing my _feelings_. Like I give a damn about these other kids' problems.

Honestly.

There's six of us altogether in the circle, with our group leader Miranda sitting in the middle directing the discussion.

The kid directly across from me looks like he could eat me whole. He's huge, with these unnatural muscles protruding out of his shirt. The vein in his neck sticks out, even when he's just sitting there.

I think his name's Emmett, and I'm deathly afraid of him. If Jacob could do this much damage, I can't even imagine what someone his size could do to me.

There are two girls on either side of me. One is teeny tiny, with short black hair and nice designer clothes. Her leg is shaking up and down and her eyes keep darting around like she's too hyper to sit still.

In this high, squeaky little voice, she proudly proclaims that her name is Alice.

Like we should all applaud her or something.

The other girl, Rosalie, looks like a swimsuit model. She also looks like she's cried every day of her life. I kind of just want to hug her, but her cold blue eyes keep me at a distance.

Then there's this tall blonde guy that has the reddest eyes I've ever seen. He's all disheveled and his clothes are wrinkled, like he slept in them and just woke up.

I think his name's Jasper, and I think he's extremely hung over.

The last guy is gorgeous, and I could never forget his name. It's Edward.

He has this messy bronze hair that's swept over his forehead and emerald eyes that glare out from under his perfectly arched brows. He spends an inordinate amount of time examining his scuffed motorcycle boots, like if he stares long enough he can pretend that he's anywhere but here.

I can tell he's filthy rich, because even though the boots are scuffed, they look seriously expensive. Between the boots, his heavy leather jacket, and the shiny silver Volvo I saw him drive up in…yeah, I'd say he comes from money.

When he introduces himself, I want to roll my eyes and scoff out loud, because he is a complete and total tool.

I haven't ever called anyone a tool before.

I'm pretty sure no one calls anyone a tool anymore, but whatever. It just perfectly describes him.

He spits out in this deep voice, "I'm Edward." Then he looks up at me, Rosalie, and Alice and says, "And no, I don't want to go out sometime." Ugh, like the three of us were openly drooling over him or something.

Well, maybe I was, but that's beside the point. Who even says something like that to people he's never met?

He's unbelievably arrogant and has that whole "my rich parents don't pay enough attention to me, so I cause trouble to get attention" thing going on. I don't feel sorry for him one bit.

His smirk simultaneously makes me want to punch him and kiss him senseless. This whole group therapy thing is going to be…interesting.

**Playlist:** The Lawrence Arms- _Your Gravest Words_, Red- _Pieces_, Muse- _Shrinking Universe_, Wayne- _Slow Down_


	2. Handcuffs

**Hey guys, sorry I forgot to put an Author's Note in the first chapter. This is my first FanFic, and I'm pretty much grateful for any feedback at all. So please review! Also, I forgot to put a Disclaimer (like I said, it's my first time doing this and I'm still getting the hang of it) so here it is:**

**Disclaimer: Me No Own. Stephenie Meyer owns these characters, but I do own Miranda.**

**Chapter Two**

**Handcuffs**

_**I'd arrest you if I had handcuffs  
I'd arrest you if I had the time  
I'd throw you down in the back seat  
As if you'd committed a terrible crime**_

I'd break in a town's worth of houses  
And rob whole families blind  
I'd do it to you like you'd do it to me  
If you knew you would get away fine

I'd drown all these crying babies  
If I knew that their mothers wouldn't cry  
I'd hold them down and I'd squeeze real soft  
And let a piece of myself die

It's hard to be the better man  
When you forget you're trying  
It's hard to be the better man

I'd arrest you if I had handcuffs  
I'd arrest you if I had time  
I'd wait for you outside the courtroom  
And taunt you when all your appeals were declined

I'd drive my car off of the bridge  
If I knew that you weren't inside  
Put the pedal to the floor who could ask for a more  
fantastic way to kill some time

You could lay on your back and be beaten  
You could put up your fists and fight  
You could try and be way up  
Way up way up way up  
Way up way up way up  
Way up

It's hard be the better man  
When you forget you're trying  
It's hard to be the better man  
When you're still lying  
It's hard to be the better man  
When you forget you're trying  
It's hard to be the better man  
When you're still lying  
You're still lying

The next week, Miranda asks us to go around and tell everyone the reason we're here. Emmett starts, with a big grin on his face.

"Let's see…why am I heeeeere…well, I used to work out every day after school. But I never got the kind of muscles I'd been aiming for, no matter how long I was at the gym, or how much I was lifting. So I got into steroids."

"But they weren't doing enough either, so I got into the heavy duty roids, which happen to be illegal. Who knew? I sure as hell didn't. But then, when my parents found out and tried to get me off 'em, I kinda went off into what they call 'roid rage' and destroyed my dad's big screen TV and my mom's most expensive furniture. Next thing I knew, I was in here for my 'anger issues'. Load of crap, if you ask me."

After that splendid explanation, Miranda turns to Alice, who is practically falling out of her chair because she's waving her hand so much.

She obviously wants to go next, so without Miranda really telling her to, Alice just launches into her story, like it's the greatest thing we'll ever hear.

"Well, I made friends with these girls at my old school, because they loved to shop as much as me! So we would go shopping all the time! Then, we would go to parties and have lots of fun."

"But one night I was kinda bored, so one of my friends and I took some pills her boyfriend had given her. And they were so much fun! It turned out the pills were uppers, and I loved taking them!"

"Then, I was shopping one day with that same friend, and we didn't have any money because we spent it all on the pills, so we just decided to take some things."

"It was such a rush, so we kept on doing it, until a few days ago when some mean security guard caught us and tried to put me in jail! But my dad's a lawyer, so he got the judge to reduce my sentence. So now I only have to come here every week for a year! It's so awesome!"

That has to be funniest thing I've ever heard. After Emmett's deep voice talking about his anger issues, Alice's high soprano voice talking with enthusiasm about doing jail time is utterly hilarious. I have to seriously try not to laugh out loud.

The next person to go is Rosalie, and I'm kinda looking forward to her story. I can tell she's one of those people that keeps things to herself, and she seems so...just generally sad and angry. She starts slowly, gaining speed as she continues.

"I moved in with my dad when I was six because my parents got a divorce. It was really great until I was about thirteen. That's when men started giving me attention for my looks."

"One day, I came home from school and my dad just went off on me, calling me a whore for wanting attention from guys. He said I was worthless, and that's when he started hitting me."

"From then on, he hit me on and off whenever he got drunk or was especially bitter towards my mother. It wasn't too bad. I lived with that until two months ago. I was walking home from the store one night, and some guys came up behind me and dragged me into an alley."

At this point, I really, really want to leave the room. I look over at this girl, who is telling this horror story so calmly, like she's talking about the weather.

She continues after a slight pause, "And they beat me and raped me. Left me for dead. Some guy walking by afterwards found me and called 911. I've been in the hospital since then, recovering. I only got out a few days ago, when they decided I was well enough to come here."

Everyone is slack-jawed and wide-eyed, except for Edward, who I don't even think was listening. Emmett looks like he's ready to kill someone.

Alice is bawling, and Jasper is trying to calm her down a bit. I just sit there silently, studying everyone's reactions and trying not to stare at Rosalie. Even Miranda looks a bit shocked.

After that, Miranda decides to give us a coffee and doughnut break to collect ourselves. The coffee sucks. It's literally the worst coffee I've ever tasted, and the doughnuts are stale. But I need a distraction or else I will be staring at Rosalie, and that is the last thing I want to do.

So I drink the shitty coffee, eat the stale doughnuts, and try to forget what I just heard. I wonder if Rosalie tries to forget. Or pretends it happened to someone else. After about fifteen minutes, Miranda decides it's time to continue the discussion.

We all sit back down in our respective chairs and Miranda picks Jasper to go next. He slumps down even more in his seat and rubs his bloodshot eyes, looking like he would rather be anywhere but here.

"Okay…so I used to have problems sleeping. So I started taking sleeping pills. Then I would be tired the whole next day, and never want to go out and party with my friends. So I drank more to wake myself up so I could have a good time."

"But then the next night I'd feel too crappy and hungover to go to sleep. So I'd take more sleeping pills. One night I decided I didn't care about being alive anymore, so I took a bunch of pills and drank a bunch of Vodka. End of story."

Well, that's pretty simple and direct. The way discussing your own attempted suicide should be. Miranda then looks to me and gestures for me to go. I take a deep breath, pull my arms around my torso, and begin in a lifeless voice. Here we go.

"Um…well…my boyfriend Jacob and I have a really good relationship. We've been together for as long as I can remember, because our dad's are best friends. It just seemed natural for us to end up together."

"About a year ago, Jake got really mad at me for…..actually, I don't even remember what it was. But he got pissed, and hit me. He apologized and said it would never happen again. But he lied, and it did."

"He would hit me if another guy talked to me, if I talked back to him, if another guy _looked_ at me, if I didn't spend enough time with him, if I was even a minute late to meet him…pretty much everything I did was wrong."

"I'm pretty clumsy, so no one ever questioned the bruises. And I wore long sleeves and pants, and we live in Forks, so it's not like it was weird for me to never show any skin."

"I kinda stopped eating, because I…well, I don't really know why. I just did. Yesterday, Jake got mad at me after school and hit me in his car. But this time, he was so mad he didn't even try to hit me in places no one would see."

"As you can probably tell, he beat the shit out of me. My dad saw the bruises and busted lip, and he said he was forcing me to come here. He says I'm depressed and anorexic. I say he's a dick."

Miranda gives me a dirty look, I guess for my language. Emmett gets a kick out of my ending, and applauds. I just give a weak smile, rolling my eyes, and turn to Edward.

He stretches his feet out in front of him and glances at me, grumbling "_pathetic"_ under his breath. I just shrug, because I know I sound pathetic. But he's an asshole. Anyways, he starts his story with one more glance at me.

"Wow. What a riveting story that was." Miranda shoots him a warning glance, and everyone else in the group glares at him. He just shrugs and continues in a bored voice.

"For the record, this is ridiculous. I don't see how talking about this shit is gonna fix it. But whatever. I started smoking pot with my friends when I was a freshman. Then I got bored with that and moved on to coke."

"I never really got bored with coke, but I decided to try heroin anyways. So now I'm addicted to both. My parents found some coke in my car, and threatened to call the cops. So I left."

"I walked around until it was dark, and then I decided that I needed to get away for a while. The only way to do that was go back to my house to pick up my car and risk my parents calling the cops, or to steal a car."

"So I stole this really awesome black Aston Martin Vanquish and drove to LA. Then the cops found me and I went to jail for a few months. My parents' lawyer got me out before my sentence was supposed to be up."

"They moved me here at the beginning of summer to get me away from my friends, who were 'bad influences'. And I've been forced against my will to come here every week. I'd rather stay in jail."

Miranda, and everyone else in the group for that matter, looks at him like he's crazy. I just feel kinda sorry for him. He called me pathetic, but at least we all have reasons for our bad behavior.

He's just a douche-bag.

**Playlist: Brand New-**_**Handcuffs**_**, Armor for Sleep-**_**The Truth About Heaven**_**, Cartel-**_**Wasted**_**, Brand New-**_**Sic Transit Gloria**_

_**Please Review!**_


	3. Line and Sinker

**Hey everyone, I want to say thank you SO much to all of you who have reviewed or put this story on alert. I even got a few favorites! The feedback is amazing, and I hope you keep it up! Somebody told me they thought I was moving a little fast, so I added this chapter in to develop the characters a little more, focusing more on them as people instead of their problems. Also, I added some more Edward! Who can say no to that? I hope you enjoy it, and please review!**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all the characters, except Miranda.**

**Chapter Three**

**Line and Sinker**

_**What you see is what you get (don't you know)  
Fishing for the answer with a line and sinker  
Look at me and don't forget (don't you know)  
Hard to get a grip with all these broken fingers**_

Today I don't feel pretty  
And i'm tired of trying to fit right in  
Don't think they're just so great  
Cause being great must suck

We don't always see the bright side  
We all need ego suicide  
You hung my id today  
But I have licked my wounds and carried on

Everybody needs some sympathy  
Santa seemed to miss my chimney  
Reality is truly scaring me  
So stand up straight and firmly say

What you see is what you get (don't you know)  
Fishing for the answer with a line and sinker  
Look at me and don't forget (don't you know)  
Hard to get a grip with all these broken fingers

My heart is in the right place  
So wipe that smirk right off your face  
Don't make me feel like that  
Cause that's just plain not nice

We don't always see the bright side  
And I lied when I said I was fine  
You slapped my face today  
But I have licked my wounds and carried on

Everybody needs some sympathy  
Santa seemed to miss my chimney  
Reality is truly scaring me  
So stand up straight and firmly say

What you see is what you get (don't you know)  
Fishing for the answer with a line and sinker  
Look at me and don't forget (don't you know)  
Hard to get a grip with all these broken fingers

The third week of therapy is the stupidest thing I've ever seen, heard of, or participated in. Miranda is making us do 'trust exercises'.

Come on. After spilling our guts to each other last week, the last thing we want to do is _bond_.

Plus, how unoriginal can you get? I feel like I'm in the Girl Scouts or something.

Yeah, I woke up this morning and decided that I really wanted to do trust falls with a bunch of rich kids with chips on their shoulders.

I guess I shouldn't say that, I mean technically I don't know if Jasper is _that_ rich. Ha.

And guess who gets to be asshole Edward's trust fall buddy? Lucky, lucky me.

God hates me.

We all stand up in two lines, Emmett catching Rosalie, Edward catching me, and Jasper catching Alice.

Miranda was originally going to pair Emmett with Alice, but she rethought that when she realized Emmett might inadvertently crush the tiny girl. Standing next to each other, the difference in size is astounding.

Jasper doesn't seem to mind the switch (I've noticed that the bored expression rarely leaves his face) and Alice is beaming.

Rosalie is definitely scowling and I'm kind of worried for Emmett's safety. But then I realize that Rosalie is probably trying not to cry. This can't be bringing up good memories.

A guy as huge as Emmett having his hands all over her after what happened? Not good.

Miranda's just full of great ideas today.

Again, I fight the urge to hug Rosalie, or comfort her in some way. But I know she would see it as me pitying her. And then, judging by the look on her face, she'd probably toss my skinny ass out the window.

Edward is smirking. I've learned that this is what he's almost always doing (when he's not glaring). He seems to find it funny that my posture is so stiff. I'm feeling awkward about having another guy touch me.

I have this irrational fear that Jacob is going to come running in and start screaming at me, calling me a slut or something.

Now Edward is slowly moving closer to me, closing the distance I so carefully placed between us. Even with my back to him, I can feel how close he is. His warm breath is right on my neck, and my muscles tense even more.

He leans forward and grazes my ear with his lips as he whispers, "Why so tense? Are you that nervous to be around me? I must say I find it rather flattering that the mere thought of my touch is enough to make you so nervous."

I shiver involuntarily and blush a tiny bit. Apparently he takes this as proof of his own attractiveness because he says, "Wow. I'm used to girls swooning over me, but this is really sad. Look at that-- you're speechless. I'm kind of embarrassed for you."

I whip my head around to face him and snarl, "Actually I was worried for your safety. If my boyfriend finds out that you've even touched me, he won't hesitate to kill you."

Edward actually laughs out loud, but it's a cruel, humorless laugh.

"If your boyfriend tries to come after me, you should be more worried for _his_ safety. Any guy that beats up his anorexic girlfriend can't be all that intimidating."

My face twists into what I can only describe as pure fury as I reply, "You know what? _Fuck_ you. You don't know anything about me. You don't see me judging you, even though you're the most arrogant son of a bitch I've ever met. Go. To. Hell."

He laughs with slightly more humor and replies, "Oh, I've been there. I was in jail, remember? That wasn't exactly the most fun place I've ever been. So fuck _you. _You know even less about me than I know about you. I know that you're pathetic for staying with someone like your boyfriend. Do you do everything he tells you to? Can't you think for yourself? You wouldn't be the first girl I've met that let some guy dictate her whole life. _Pathetic._"

I just shrug with an amused smile. I decide that it's the best way to piss him off.

Chuckling quietly, I reply, "Like I said-- you know nothing about me. You think I'm pathetic. I think you are. I don't even need to tell you why you're pathetic, as I'm sure it's obvious even to you. Let's just agree to disagree."

He shrugs and smiles a sarcastic smile, the mood a little bit less intense. He says, "Works for me. Let's get this shit over with."

I give a half-smile and turn back around, counting to three and letting myself fall backwards. He catches me right on my lower ribs, which are still bruised from the last beating Jacob gave me.

I wince and hurriedly stand up. Edward notices and spins me around to face him, too quickly for me to wipe the look of pain off my face.

He stares at me for a minute, and then his face softens the tiniest fraction. He looks down through the bronze bangs swept across his forehead, touches my shoulder hesitantly and whispers,

"Hey, are you okay? Did I hurt you or something?"

Hah, that's funny. He actually sounds a _tad_ bit concerned.

I could get used to Edward's softer side. His emerald eyes are dazzling me a little bit (Dazzling? Wow, that sounds ridiculous. But it's the only way I can describe it) and his messy hair is falling in his face as he leans down to hear my answer.

I stutter a bit (_dammit_) and reply in a whisper, "N-no, I'm fine. You just hit a tender spot, is all. Perfectly okay."

He grimaces, because he's figured it out now. He looks inexplicably angry for a minute; whether it's at me I have no clue. Then he spins around and stalks out the door, his shoulders tense, leaving me with no explanation.

Miranda looks confused for a minute and everyone turns to look at me. I shrug, like I don't have the slightest clue. Which I don't. Edward has more mood swings than a pregnant woman.

Emmett literally reads my mind when he says rather loudly, "Jesus! That dude has more mood swings than a pregnant lady!"

We all burst out laughing at the truth of it, and Alice is bouncing up and down like she won the lottery.

After Emmett's outburst, the atmosphere is more relaxed than it's ever been. We spend the rest of the time joking around like a bunch of regular kids. Mostly mocking Edward.

It's really refreshing, because I don't spend much time around kids my own age. Jacob is too overprotective of me to let me make many friends, and the kids at Forks High have never really liked me.

The chief's daughter isn't too popular with the jocks, who are constantly getting into trouble for stupid shit like noise complaints and underage drinking.

And everyone follows the jocks' lead, of course.

It's no wonder I'm so depressed, honestly.

Emmett tells stupid "that's what she said" jokes, and Alice tells a funny story about the security guard who caught her shoplifting.

Apparently, he was Chris Farley's long lost twin, and he tried running after her at the pace of "a snail stampeding through peanut butter". Alice's words, not mine.

Jasper stays quiet, but I can tell that he's amused. His eyes have a little more life in them, and his mouth is twitching like he's not sure if he should smile or not.

Or maybe he just hasn't smiled in a really, really long time.

Rosalie doesn't seem quite as distant as before, but I figure that's probably temporary. Then she and Alice start talking about Rosalie's shoes, which leads to a full on discussion about Gucci or whatever it is girls like that talk about.

I wouldn't know.

Miranda is overjoyed that we're 'opening up'.

Miranda's happiness is enough to put me in a bad mood all over again, and I seriously consider telling her to tone it down. It's annoying me.

Apparently I'm not the only one. Emmett starts making rude hand gestures and wriggling his eyebrows at Miranda's back when she begins another stupid lecture about 'accepting all types of people' and 'being open to new experiences'.

Rosalie actually cracks a smile when Emmett pantomimes dumping a bucket of water over Miranda's head. Her face is twenty times more beautiful when she smiles, and my self esteem takes a hit.

Not that it was that great to begin with.

Anyways, aren't we in here to be cured or whatever? Not get lectured. I sit through enough of this at school. Damn Charlie and his nosiness.

Just then, the door slams and Edward ambles back in, slinking gracefully over to his usual chair. He slouches down and glares at those scuffed motorcycle boots some more.

It's like déjà vu.

I thought maybe we had made a little progress before the whole ribs grazing incident. I mean we did the mandatory "you don't know me" thing, got into the obligatory argument about judging each other, traded insults, and then we were good to go.

Guess I spoke too soon.

I had thought for a fleeting moment that he had actually been concerned about me, and I was secretly pleased by that notion. Oh, so wrong.

After Edward's return, things calm down again. I'm glad everyone (minus Edward of course) had the chance to have a real conversation. These kids aren't nearly as boring as I thought they were.

Miranda still bugs the shit out of me though.

I don't really expect anything else from her.

**Playlist: Billy Talent- **_**Line and Sinker**_**, The Used- **_**Poetic Tragedy**_**, Tellison- **_**Hospital**_**, Tegan and Sara- **_**You Wouldn't Like Me**_

_**Please Review!**_


	4. Swimmers

**Hey people, I just want to say thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed, alerted, and favorited this story! It's so encouraging, and I love hearing from you guys, even if it's just a simple "Update soon!" Thanks again, and please review!**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns these characters, and all credit goes to her amazing brain!**

**Chapter Four**

**Swimmers**

_**I was…waiting for you  
I was…standing around  
I was…getting older  
I was…going down**_

If you always get up late  
You'll never be on time  
If you always make it after work  
ba ba dada

Oh the day never comes  
and I stand up  
Waiting on

I saw you down there  
I know you were tired  
I saw you  
You looked like a Swimmer  
I wanna be with you  
All of the time  
Why can't you satisfy

You look good  
but you sound better  
you were the best I had

If you always get up late  
You'll never be on time  
If you always get up late  
You're never gonna be on time  
And that's a shame

_**  
Cause I like you  
I never see you.**_

It's been six weeks since I started group therapy. I have to say, it's not nearly as bad as I expected it to be.

And Emmett's not nearly as scary as I originally thought.

But don't tell him that, because he was overjoyed when I told him how intimidated I was when I first saw him. He thinks he's so macho, but he's really a big teddy bear.

Considering he's in therapy for his anger issues.

Without Emmett's constant immature jokes, therapy would be beyond boring. He's truly like the big brother I never had, and he's always in a good mood. I feel immediately comfortable with him now.

Alice is still crazy and ADHD, but it's more endearing now than it was at first. She's actually really sweet, when she's not shopping.

I made the mistake of letting her drag me shopping with her, and let me tell you, it was nightmarish. She just can't stop.

She's off the uppers now, and she _still_ can't stop.

It's quite scary to watch, but I can't look away. She's taken the liberty of buying me a whole new wardrobe --against my will, might I add.

Whenever I complain about her spending so much money on me, she always looks up at me with those big blue eyes and whines,

"But Bellaaaa! This isn't just for my own amusement you know. Well, it partially is. But you really do need new clothes. Why do you insist on hiding your hot bod under these…._baggy_ old things? You just need a few important items to spruce up your wardrobe. I swear I won't go overboard, Scout's honor."

Word of advice: Never listen to Alice when she promises on her Scout's honor. It is a boldfaced lie.

After watching her waste hundreds of dollars on all her "fashionable" clothes, it's difficult to understand why in the world Alice would need to shoplift. The girl is filthy rich. I guess those pills must be really expensive.

But Alice isn't spoiled like Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory; she's actually one of the most generous people I know. She's constantly helping everyone in the group, giving advice and hugs (which I try to avoid at all costs—pixie's got a death grip).

The funniest aspect of Alice is how blunt she is. It's like she knows exactly what to say and how everyone will react, so she doesn't need to sugarcoat anything. She doesn't beat around the bush, and she's always honest.

For example, she's had a huge thing for Jasper since the beginning of therapy. So the fourth week, she just marched right up to him and told him so.

He didn't say a word. He just nodded in his calm, tranquil manner, and they've been together ever since. Simple as that. I envy their happiness.

Even this early in their relationship, Jasper is so careful with Alice, and he watches her with love and gentle concern whenever she's not looking. They're perfectly balanced because he's so peaceful and boring (in a good way) and she's so hyperactive and excitable.

He is also unfailingly polite in that respectful, southern gentleman kind of way. I can't imagine someone as sweet as him trying to commit suicide. I guess you never really know about a person, especially one as quiet as Jasper.

Rosalie is still a little…standoffish. We're not as close as Alice and I, but we definitely get along well. I have a feeling that Rosalie is going to keep people at a distance for a long time, because of the bad experiences she's had with the people in her life so far.

I can't say I blame her.

However, lately we've bonded over our abusive experiences. That sounds really depressing, but it's actually kind of wonderful.

I mean, nobody but us understands why Rose still lives with her dad, or why I'm still dating Jacob. But we get each other. We talked about it and decided that it's not our faults they hit us, but it's not their faults either.

As she put it, "They have problems, and that's not their faults."

I agreed and added, "And we just have to try to not make them angry."

That philosophy has worked rather well for me. Jacob still hits me sometimes, but not quite as often. He thinks it's funny that I have to go talk to a 'bunch of crazies' about my life once a week.

He'll say something along the lines of, "Bella, that's so stupid! So, wait…. you just have to sit there and listen to some chick talk about these other kids' problems? What a waste of time! You could be spending all that time with me instead!"

Then his voice lowers and he gets a warning glare in his dark brown eyes.

"So….what have you told them about you?"

I always hurry to reassure him, "Nothing really. The first time I went, I had to tell them about how Charlie sent me in for not eating. Besides that, I don't tell them anything important."

He's not worried that I've told anyone about the abuse, because I only told him Charlie sent me for anorexia. Jacob once said it wasn't anyone's business but his and mine if I was anorexic.

That struck me as a tad possessive, how about you?

He's so confident that I would never betray him, and it makes me feel guilty knowing that I have. Charlie has tried to ban me from seeing Jacob a few times, but he can't really do anything about it when he's always at work or fishing with Billy (Jake's dad).

There's no one there to protect me, so I protect myself by not breaking up with Jacob. I don't know what he would do to me if I tried. Plus, Jake needs me. He tells me so all the time, and I can't just leave him.

But don't tell Emmett or Jasper that, because they _freaked_ when they found out Rose still lives with her dad and I'm still with Jake.

Emmett bellowed, "_WHAT?!_ Isabella Swan, Rosalie Hale, _what_ are you thinking?! These guys hurt you! Rosalie, you're eighteen. You could easily move out!"

Jasper nodded, more calm than Emmett (but still furious by Jasper standards) and said, "Bella, you have no excuse. You need to break up with that…that…_scum_. No respectable guy treats a lady that way."

Alice added, "Yeah, you both deserve better than that."

Rose and I just told them our philosophy, and told them it was none of their business what we do. They don't know Jake or Rose's dad.

Literally, I thought Emmett's neck vein was gonna bust through his skin when we told him that. Jasper actually showed an emotion other than apathy, and Alice pouted that we weren't listening to them.

It was disturbing and yet cute how protective the guys are of us. Well, except for Edward. He ignored the entire conversation.

I think the reason Emmett got so worked up is that he is nuts about Rosalie, and he can't stand to see her get hurt even more than she already is. I think she really likes him too, but she's nervous to get close to anyone.

Especially someone as big and tough as Emmett.

But I know he would never hurt her. I told her that, and she said she knew, but was still afraid. I can't really relate. But then again I wasn't raped, so I can't know exactly what she's going through.

I've never been afraid that Jacob would hurt me in _that_ way. I don't know why, but he's never pressured me about sleeping with him.

It really makes no sense, especially when you think about how territorial he is, and how jealous he gets.

Maybe he's cheating on me.

I bet it's with Leah Clearwater. She's always had a crush on Jacob, and would glare at me whenever I was with him.

I'm surprised that thought doesn't hurt—the fact that he's probably cheating I mean. I realize that I don't really care if he is. I'm used to not caring about anything anymore.

That's the upside to being clinically depressed, apparently.

I'm still refusing to acknowledge that group has helped me in any way. I'm the only one, besides Edward, who still denies that I need help.

As I mentioned, Alice is off the uppers, though she told us she misses it sometimes. She had a relapse a few weeks ago, but I think she's doing okay now.

Jasper says he doesn't need sleeping pills anymore because, and I quote, "dealing with Alice tires him out enough". The alcohol is still a problem, but I think having Alice in his life is helping him deal with the depression.

Emmett is off steroids for now, but he says that he keeps having to talk himself out of buying more every time he goes to the gym.

He also says mine and Rosalie's stories helped him realize that he doesn't want to ever be that mad and out of control again. He actually told me,

"I-I'm scared I could get angry and hurt somebody I love. Like Jacob does to you, and Rose's dad does to her. I couldn't take it if I turned into Jacob, Bells."

I comforted him as best I could, telling him, "Em, I know you wouldn't hurt a fly. Even when you were on steroids and got out of control, did you hurt anyone? No. You broke some furniture, big deal. You're too good to truly hurt someone like that. We all know it."

He smiled gratefully, his dimples showing, and dragged me into a huge bear hug. He ignores my personal space more than anyone I've ever met.

Rosalie is the toughest case. She is going to be in therapy for a very long time, because she's had the worst experience out of all of us. She's bitter and angry at the world right now.

And you know what? So am I, for letting someone as sweet as Rose go through so much. It's really not fair.

One day, we all went out to dinner after therapy (except Edward and Miranda of course), and Rose told Alice and I that she still has nightmares about that night. She didn't go into detail, but I could see the haunted look in her eyes.

But I don't see why I need help from anyone. Compared to Rosalie, my story isn't bad at all. Jacob doesn't mean it when he hurts me. He's had a hard time since his mom died and his dad was confined to a wheelchair.

He always feels really bad and apologizes afterwards. Sometimes he even cries and begs me not to leave him.

And the whole not eating thing is stupid. It's not like I intentionally starve myself. I'm either not hungry, or I genuinely forget to eat. I weigh exactly 95 lbs, which isn't that bad. I'm short with delicate bones, it's not like I can help that I'm naturally thin.

Charlie says I started losing weight about a year ago (he also points out that my weight loss coincided with the first time Jacob hit me) and that it was gradual so I didn't notice. He estimates that a year ago, I weighed around 125 lbs.

That's just ridiculous. There's no way I could lose 30 lbs without noticing.

Again, we're back to him needing to mind his own damn business.

So I've stopped giving out new information to the group. Like I told Jake, I stick with what I said in the first session but don't say any more.

I kind of shut down when it's my turn to talk, and I just tell them good things about Jake and pretend that I've started eating more.

It's pretty funny when Miranda is lecturing about denial and facing your problems (giving Edward and I pointed looks), and Edward rolls his eyes and I make faces.

I just sit there and watch her mouth move, studying her youngish face and old lady shoes. I get the feeling Edward is doing the same.

I wouldn't know for sure though, because he still doesn't talk to any of us. He comes, he looks pretty, he makes sarcastic comments, and then he leaves.

One time, when Miranda tried to get him to 'open up', he called her a fat cow and stormed out. The look on Miranda's face when he called her fat really made me want to cry. I may dislike her but that was still cruel of him to say. She's not even fat; he was just being a prick, as usual.

Have you ever seen someone just completely undermine an authority figure, right in front of you? It was like that scene in _The Breakfast Club_ where that jerky guy totally gets in the principal's face and the principal knows he's losing control of the situation.

Except this was way worse because Miranda's pretty bothersome, but she was just trying to help him. Now that I think about it, Edward is a lot like that jerky guy, except with more money. I wonder if that makes me Molly Ringwald….

God I hope not.

Whenever Miranda asks Edward a question (more warily now) he says, "I don't need group therapy. If I wanted to stop doing coke I could, no problem. And stealing that car was a one-time thing."

That's all he will ever say on the matter; he won't go into depth about his family or friends. He dances around Miranda's questions easily, confusing her with answers that only rephrase the question.

"So Edward, what was your childhood like? Do you have any siblings?"

"I don't know Miranda, do I? Aren't you supposed to have read my file and know these things? Don't you do your job?"

It's quite entertaining to watch her get all flustered.

I'm not sure what Edward does during our fifteen minute breaks, except go to his Volvo. I usually talk to everyone else while avoiding the nasty coffee, but I can't help wondering what he's doing out there for that fifteen minutes.

Once, I saw him sitting in his car with a guitar. I was pretty surprised at that, and wanted so badly to hear what he was playing.

But I would never go up to him.

Partly because I'm scared of what Jacob would do if he somehow found out (hey, this is Forks. I'm fairly positive he would find out) and partly because Edward is intimidating.

His god-like looks, combined with his smartass mouth and abrasive personality make him a _wee_ bit hard to approach, let alone talk to. I know he would just assume I was hitting on him.

When in reality, I would never bother to hit on him because I know he's waaayyyy out of my league, and I know what his answer would be.

I honestly only want to talk to him, because…well, I don't really know why I want to speak to him so badly.

Maybe I want to tell him that I know how he feels.

Maybe I want to let him know that he can talk to the rest of us and there's no need to be so defensive.

Maybe I just want to hear his velvety voice…

Yeah, it's probably the latter.

**Playlist: Broken Social Scene-**_** Swimmers,**_** and **_**Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old Girl**_**, Bloc Party- **_**Kreuzberg**_**, Boys Like Girls- **_**Hero/Heroine (Acoustic)--**_** Hate the band, love the song. Brand New- **_**Fork and Knife**_

**I think you guys are really going to like the next chapter, so please review**_**!**_


	5. First Day of My Life

**Hey everybody, thanks again to all who have reviewed or put this story on alert. I really appreciate it! This is definitely my favorite chapter so far, and you'll understand why right away lol. And just so no one is confused, this chapter takes place after therapy the next week, not the same day as the last chapter. I hope you enjoy it, and please review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, Stephenie Meyer does. **

**Chapter Five**

**First Day of My Life**

_**This is the first day of my life  
I swear I was born right in the door way  
I went out in the rain  
Suddenly everything changed their spread  
Blankets on the beach**_

Yours is the first face that I saw  
I think I was blind before I met you  
I don't know where I am  
I don't know where I've been  
But I know where I want to go  
So I thought I'd let you know  
These things take forever, I especially am slow  
But I realized how I need you  
And I wondered if I could come home

I remember the time you drove all night  
Just to meet me in the morning  
Yeah I thought it was strange  
You said everything changed  
You felt as if you just woke up

And you said, "This is the first day of my life."  
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you  
Now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you  
And I'd probably be happy  
So if you want to be with me  
With these things there's no telling  
we'll just have to wait and see  
But I'd rather be working for a pay check  
Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides, maybe this time it's different  
I mean, I really think you like me

Today, I'm finding out why Edward never speaks to anyone. I know, I know.

It's been what…seven weeks since I met the guy? And I'm just now considering this? Well, I've decided that it's just plain ridiculous for none of us to talk to him. The one time I did talk to him didn't end so well, but before he stormed out, we had sort of come to an understanding. So I'm going to suck it up and try to be nice.

He can't be _that_ bad.

Actually, he's pretty funny, and when he's not being a dick, he is capable of doing nice things.

For example, he saved me the last stale doughnut last week. And he held the door open for me on the way in this morning. He didn't smile or look at me, but he held the door. It's a vast improvement.

So I'm taking this as my opportunity to have a real conversation with him. After Miranda releases us for the day, I gather my courage and catch up to him outside his car.

"Hey, Edward." He turns with a sour look on his face that softens a bit when he sees it's me. Or maybe he's just glad it's not Miranda.

"Hello, Bella. Can I help you with something?" he asks, in a dry tone.

Ah, there's that ever-present sarcasm.

Normally, I would stutter and blush my way through my sentences, but today I'm being brave so I just shrug and say nonchalantly, "Not really. I just wanted to talk to you. I've never really gotten the chance, and I'm kind of interested. You're pretty mysterious, you know."

He smirks, "Well, not all of us enjoy baring our souls in front of six strangers. Sometimes I get the feeling that you're the same way. After that day we all introduced ourselves, you stopped talking about it. So you're just as mysterious as I am. The difference is, you've made friends with those idiots, and I've chosen to keep to myself."

I give him a look like, _duh._ "Thanks for stating the obvious. And you could make friends with them. They're all really cool. I think if you deigned to talk to any of us, you'd know."

That last sentence comes out a bit more snippily than I would have liked, and I have to tell myself to keep more cool and detached.

He smirks again and says, "You've got a bit of a temper don't you? Look, I'm not here to make friends. I'm here to get this over with, so I can pretend to be healed or whatever, and move on with my life. I don't have a problem, and I don't need _Miranda--_ or _you_ for that matter-- lecturing me about my choices."

It's my turn to smirk as I say, "And you're kind of an asshole, aren't you? Look, I just want to let you know that I understand what you mean about not baring your soul to a bunch of strangers. I do feel the same way, and you don't have to be so rude about it. Before you go accusing me of lecturing you, you should really stop and think about who you're talking to."

That came off a little more indignantly than I planned, but he's being a dick. Again, I have to remind myself to stay calmer.

Laughingly he responds, "I'll try and remember that next time."

He pauses and then abruptly adds, "Hey, do you wanna go somewhere with me?"

This catches me _completely_ off guard, and Jacob's angry face flashes through my mind. I brush that off quickly before I can really think about it, and then I just blurt out, "Uh, sure."

Don't look at me like that. You would do the same thing if you saw him right now.

He's wearing these tight jeans with a faded black Clash t-shirt and that sexy leather jacket.

His messy bronze hair is getting even more messed up in the wind, and his green eyes are looking intently into my boring brown ones.

Edward is beautiful.

My knees go a little weak, and I jump into his car before I can collapse onto the asphalt.

He walks around to the driver's seat and turns the ignition. His stupid shiny Volvo purrs to life and he pulls smoothly out of the parking lot. He turns on the stereo and I'm seriously surprised to hear Death Cab for Cutie blast out of the speakers. **(Ha, you all thought it would be Clair de Lune, didn't you?) **

He changes it to '_Company Calls'_ and I say, "Oh, I love this song! It's one of my favorites."

He gives me a weird look and asks, "Really? Not many people like it. Most are still stuck on the stuff they play on the radio, like '_Sound of Settling'_."

"Well, that's because '_Sound of Settling_' is a brilliant and catchy song."

He agrees and says, "Yeah, but I still like the less well-known stuff better. I like the thought that I'm the only one who listens to it. Maybe it's because I'm so _un_original that I enjoy feeling original every once in a while."

I raise my eyebrows. "_Wow_. Who knew you were so _deep_?"

He just shakes his head and mutters, "Bitch."

I smirk and shoot back, "Douche bag."

And we just continue from there. It's like we fall into our own little pattern, our sarcastic humor blending perfectly. It helps that he has kick ass taste in music. Jacob hates my taste in music.

It suddenly hits me that Edward and I barely know each other. It feels like I've known him for months, when in reality it's been about half an hour.

I'm comfortable around him, and even when it's quiet, it's not awkward. It's a good feeling. He drives (speeding like a maniac) to a little coffee shop about twenty minutes from where we meet for therapy, and opens the door for me as I walk in.

Unfortunately, my clumsy nature decides to rear its ugly head at this moment, and I trip on the mat just inside the door.

Fortunately, Edward is right behind me and catches me around the waist before I can make contact with the floor. He laughs and holds me there for a moment, just to embarrass me further. Ass.

As he pulls me up, he gives my waist a little squeeze, and I giggle. I usually never giggle, (I leave that to girls like Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory) but I'm super ticklish in that spot.

Once Edward realizes this, he gets a wicked glint in his eye and pulls me closer to him, tickling me nonstop.

I usually would never let anyone touch me like this, especially someone I just met, but I can already feel myself trusting Edward. Dangerous territory.

I'm full out laughing now, and people in the coffee shop are starting to stare. Edward doesn't seem to mind the stares and continues the torture until I beg for mercy.

I haven't laughed like this in over a year, since Jacob stopped being my best friend and became my worst nightmare.

Finally, after Edward decides he has embarrassed me enough for one day, he releases me.

The guy behind the register is glaring at Edward, I guess it's because he was the one causing all the commotion. I think that up until the guy looks at me and smiles what I think is supposed to be a flirty grin.

Then I realize he had been glaring because he thinks Edward and I are together.

I'm used to Jake being overly possessive, so when the guy smiles and winks at me, I look at Edward and shrink back a little, like I'm afraid he's going to backhand me right then and there.

I think he realizes this, because he gets a slightly sad look in his eye and leads me to a table in the most private corner of the shop, his large hand on the small of my back.

Edward is frowning when he grabs my arm and pulls up the sleeve of my grey blouse, only to reveal a huge hand-shaped bruise that looks worse than it actually is.

His frown deepens, and he asks in a soft voice, "Why do you stay with him?"

He then reads the defensiveness in my expression and adds, "….if you don't mind my asking…"

I just shrug and shake my head. I am not going to answer that. He nods like he knew that's how I would react. But I get the feeling that he understands.

We talk a lot about music and books, although he mocks my love of Shakespeare repeatedly. He asks about my family situation and I tell him about Renee and her new husband Phil. When I mention that Charlie is Forks' chief of police, Edward grimaces and I laugh.

Hopefully, they haven't had a run-in yet. Although with a guy like Edward, I figure it's only a matter of time.

He cleverly avoids answering my questions about himself, and thankfully never brings up Jacob again. Instead, we somehow get into a full blown argument over Bright Eyes.

"Conor Oberst has a horrible voice."

"What?! His voice is sincere and _real_. And his lyrics are beautiful."

"I'll give you that. He can write some amazing songs. But he can't sing them."

"Okay, I officially disown you. How can you not like Bright Eyes?! '_First Day of My Life'_ is a classic. '_Road_ _to Joy'_ is awesome."

"I never said I didn't like them, just that his voice grates on my nerves. He should stick to writing songs."

"But it's the emotion in his voice that makes them so good! You can't tell me you would listen to a Bright Eyes song if Britney Spears was singing it."

"That's irrelevant, because I would never listen to anything Britney Spears sang, even if they were brilliant lyrics."

"Not that I disagree, but as a teenage boy, aren't you supposed to be in love with Britney Spears?"

"Where do you get your information? Obviously, you know nothing about teenage boys. They may want to fuck Britney Spears, but they are definitely not in love with her because of her singing talents."

"Or lack thereof."

"Right. How did Britney Spears get into this discussion anyways?"

"I think it's a rule nowadays that at some point, someone always brings up Britney Spears."

"I vote to abolish that rule. Immediately."

"Here, here."

After we agree to disagree on the whole Bright Eyes topic, we realize that we've been talking for over two hours. Well, more like I've been talking.

I'm usually never this open with people, but Edward asks me questions and listens to my answers like he's vitally interested. It makes it easy to talk and be honest with him.

I know that Charlie is probably worried sick that I've been gone so long. Hopefully he hasn't done anything rash, like call Jacob. I doubt he would, since he's still pissed about Jake hitting me, but he knows we're still together and might assume I'm with him in La Push. That could only lead to trouble.

Edward drives me back to my truck, both of us singing along to and laughing at that MxPx song '_Wrecking Hotel Rooms'_. We agree on that at least. When we reach the parking lot of the therapy building, I move to open my door and Edward stops me.

"Hey, hang on a minute. I want to make you a deal. How about I ask you something, and after you answer-- truthfully-- you can ask me any question you want."

"How will you know if I answer truthfully?"

He chuckles, "No offense, but you're a horrible liar. I don't think I'll have a problem knowing whether or not you're being honest."

"Ugh, that's true." I take a deep breath, "Okay… what do you want to know?"

"Oh, wait a second…" He reaches towards the stereo and changes the song to Tegan and Sara's '_Don't Confess_'.

"Haha, very funny."

"I thought it'd be appropriate. Okay, now on to my question: Why do you stay with your boyfriend? It doesn't seem like you love him, and if he treats you so badly, why stay?"

I sigh and shrug, "He's had some bad things happen to him recently, and he needs me. Plus, he's not always bad. In the beginning of our relationship, he was amazing. He was my best friend, and I loved him. Every now and then the old Jacob comes through and I remember how much I love him. It's hard to let go of that, so I just don't."

"Wow. I wasn't really expecting that. I thought it'd be more…"

"Pathetic?"

He gives a low, breathy laugh, "Um, yeah, I guess so. Sorry."

"Don't be. I know what people think about me. They think I'm all weak and defenseless, and I only stay with him because I'm scared. Well there's that too, but I stay mostly because I know he doesn't mean to hurt me. He just…has a lot of issues."

"Well, now that you've answered my question, you can ask away."

This has been bugging me since he stormed out the third week of therapy, so I ask, "Okay. What did you do the day we did trust falls and you got pissed and left? It's been bugging me for weeks."

He looks down a bit sheepishly and says, "I was worried you'd ask about that. I'm sorry, by the way. Anyways…I went out to my car and put on some music…" He trails off, and I know there's more.

"And….?" I prompt him.

"And did a few lines. I scored some coke from a guy I met a couple months ago in Port Angeles and had been debating all day if I should do it. After the trust falls thing, I was annoyed and angry, and there it was, sitting in my glove box. So yeah, that's what I did."

I think he expects me to be shocked or mad or judgmental, but I had figured it was something along those lines (no pun intended).

I nod and ask, "So is that what you do during our fifteen minute breaks? I've always kind of wondered."

He shrugs slightly, "Yeah, sometimes. Sometimes I play my guitar or just listen to CDs. Depends on my mood, and how much Miranda has pissed me off that day."

We both chuckle, and I say, "I know the feeling. Listen, I don't really care if you are still doing coke or whatever, if that's what you were worried about. Like I said before, I'm not here to lecture you. It's your life. I mean, look at me. Obviously I'm not cured or anything."

I hold out my stick thin, bruised arm for emphasis. He glances at the bruise again and a look of pain crosses his face.

I ask, "Why does it bother you so much? What do you care if I stay with my boyfriend or not?"

Edward looks a little angry, but mostly just tired and vulnerable.

He sighs, "That's a story for another day. You answered my question, I answered yours, let's leave it at that for now."

I grin and get out of the car, leaning in through the open passenger window, "Fair enough. See you next week?"

He returns the grin, "Yes, I'll see you then. And thanks for proving me wrong."

I look at him quizzically, and he laughs, "For showing me that all the people in that group aren't total idiots. Even if you do like Bright Eyes."

And with that, he speeds off, leaving me to think over everything that just happened. And to ponder over his parting backhanded compliment.

I had a conversation with Edward. I laughed with him, and made him laugh. I told him a few secrets, he told me a few. I feel like I did in the early days of mine and Jacob's relationship, only a hundred times better.

This is very bad…

**Playlist: Bright Eyes- **_**First Day of My Life**_**, Death Cab for Cutie- **_**Company Calls, **_**MxPx-**_** Wrecking Hotel Rooms, **_**Tegan and Sara**_**- Don't Confess, **_**Flyleaf-**_**All Around Me (Acoustic)**_

_**Please Review!**_


	6. Lover I Don't Have to Love

**Hey there people, thanks a bunch to all who have reviewed so far! I would like to give a special thanks to **_**ahhelga**_**, who never fails to give me an amazing review. I'm sure I'm going to get a lot of hate for this chapter, but trust me it was necessary and this WILL be ExB. Also, this is a semi-lemon (lemonade, if you will), so if you don't want to read it I don't think you'll be missing all that much of the story, just some important character building. But if I do say so myself, I think it's a pretty good semi-lemon considering it's my first ever. I hope you enjoy it and please review!**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own these characters; Stephenie Meyer does and always will.**

_**Chapter Six**_

_**Lover I Don't Have to Love**_

_**I picked you out of a crowd and talked to you.**_

I said, "I like your shoes."  
You said, "Thanks can I follow you?"  
So it's up the stairs and out of view-  
No prying eyes  
I poured some wine  
I asked your name, you asked the time...  
Now it's two o'clock-  
the club is closed and we're up the block  
Your hands on me; pressing hard against your jeans  
Your tongue in my mouth, trying to keep the words from coming out  
You didn't care to know who else may have been you before

I want a lover I don't have to love.  
I want a girl whose too sad to give a fuck.  
Where is the kid with the chemicals?  
I thought he said to meet him here, but I'm not sure  
I got the money if you've got the time

You said, "It feels good."  
I said, "I'll give it a try."

Then my mind went dark-  
we both forgot where your car was parked

_**So let's just take the train  
I'll meet up with the band in the morning  
Bad actors with bad habits  
Some sad singers, they just play tragic  
and the phone's ringing and the van's leaving  
Let's just keep touching; let's just keep, keep singing...**_

I want a lover I don't have to love  
I want a boy so drunk he doesn't talk  
There is the kid with the chemicals  
I have a hunger and I can't seem to get full  
I need some meaning I can memorize  
The kind I have always seem to slip my mind

But you..  
But you...  
you write  
such pretty words  
But life's no storybook  
Love's an excuse to get hurt  
and to hurt

Do you like to hurt?  
I do, I do  
then hurt me..  
then hurt me...  
then hurt me...

The drive home is peaceful and quiet, and since my truck's stereo sucks, there's no music to distract me from my thoughts of Edward. He is so unlike anyone I've ever met. He and Jacob are complete opposites.

My relationship with Jake has always been happy and light; we never discuss anything serious. With Edward, right off the bat it was intense. He makes me think, whereas Jacob just makes me laugh. Well, _made_ me laugh. He used to be warm, my own personal sun, brightening up my dreary, small-town life.

Edward started off cold and distant, my own personal moon I guess you could say—yes, I know it's cheesy; just go with it. He seemed so…untouchable. Now it's like the two have switched roles: Jacob is cold and cruel more often than not, and Edward is more caring (while still managing to be a sarcastic jackass, of course). Weird.

My thoughts are interrupted when I pull into my driveway and see Jacob's Rabbit parked in Charlie's usual spot. I guess Charlie's working late, or watching a game at Billy's. Which is very bad news for me.

I try to think of a lie to tell Jacob, but I'm sure it's useless; I've always been a horrible liar, and he's going to be beyond pissed if he finds out that the reason I'm late is that I was out with another guy.

Yeah, definitely gonna stick to lying on this one.

I open the door, trying to be as quiet as possible. Maybe I can sneak upstairs and pretend to fall asleep. Or just lock my door and pray he doesn't break it down.

My plans are dashed when I trip over thin air and land with a loud crash on my hardwood floor right inside the door. Jacob comes running in from the kitchen, anger and concern written on his face. He grabs my hand and pulls me up from the ground, keeping a tight lock on my wrist when I'm upright.

"Where've you been, huh Bells? I've been waiting for like an hour. I thought you said your therapy thing is over by six?"

"Yeah it is, but I went out with the group afterwards. We went to a little coffee shop around the corner. I didn't know you'd be waiting, otherwise I would have told them no. I'm so sorry Jake."

I cringe, already knowing what's coming.

His voice steadily rises, "With the group, huh? Were there guys there? Huh? Was this some sort of date or something? Are you cheating on me?!" He's full on shouting now.

I put as much innocence into my voice as I can muster, "What?! No Jake, of course not! I would never do that to you! I love you, you know that."

"You didn't answer my question Bella. Were there guys there? Did any of them flirt with you? I'll kill them!" He's pacing in the hallway, roughly dragging me along by my wrist like he forgot he was still gripping it.

That's going to leave another hand-shaped bruise. Sometimes I think he simply forgets his own strength, and he doesn't always mean to hurt me so much.

"Jacob, stop. There are three guys in the group, I told you that. They all were there, but none of them hit on me. They're all coupled off. Edward and I are the only single ones in the group, but I already told you how much of an asshole Edward is. I could never like him, and besides, I think he has a crush on Rosalie. Who wouldn't? I mean, she's gorgeous. You should meet her, she looks like a model."

I babble on, hoping he won't notice that I'm lying through my teeth. I try to distract him with a mental picture of Rose, praying that he'll drop the subject of Edward. Luckily it works-- this time.

I tell Jacob I'm really tired and just want to go to bed. He comes upstairs with me and waits in my room while I go into the bathroom to change and brush my teeth. He's sitting on my bed and gets up when I come back in.

I look up at him warily, "You didn't have to wait Jake. I'm just gonna get some rest. I'll call you in the morning. I love you."

He nods and tucks me in, and I think he's just going to leave. But then, he kicks off his shoes and pulls off his shirt, getting under the covers with me. _Not_ what I'd been expecting.

"Jacob, what are you doing? Charlie will be home any minute! He'll kill you if he finds you here, you know."

"Nah, Bells, it's all taken care of. Billy's going to distract Charlie for a while so you and I can have some _alone_ time. Don't you want to be with me Bella? I know I've been waiting for this for a _long_ time."

There's an undercurrent of frustration in his voice that I haven't heard before. Maybe Leah's out of town or something.

He puts his long, muscled arms around me and leans in for a kiss. I gently push his face away, even though I'm itching to run away instead. I start to feel panicky when I realize that there's no one here to help me if he decides he's tired of waiting.

This is the first time I've ever been truly afraid of him.

"No Jake, I'm not ready for this. I-I-I want to wait…until…until…we're married! Yeah! Don't you want our wedding night to be special? It will be so much better i-i-if we wait. Don't you think?"

If he believes that load of crap, he's not as smart as I thought.

I'm stuttering through my sentences and waiting with bated breath for his answer. If he disagrees with me, there will be no stopping him. He finally answers after a few anxious minutes, and I mentally sigh with relief.

"Hmmm… I guess you're right Bells. We can wait until we get married. We should get married right after you graduate! It's only a year, right? I guess I can wait that long. But in the mean time, we can still have a little…fun. Don't you want to make me happy?"

I knew he wouldn't give up that easily.

"U-um sure, I want you to be happy. Thanks for agreeing to wait. I really want our first time to be…special."

More like, I want it to never happen.

And that's just it. With that one sarcastic thought, I realize that I'm not attracted to him anymore. I know I was when we first started dating. How could I not be, with those dark mischievous eyes and that sunny grin?

I look up into the aforementioned eyes and notice that they don't even come close to making me melt like they used to. I wonder when that changed….I think back, but come up blank. All I know is, I do _not_ want to sleep with him. _Ever_.

His voice goes low and seductive, "Well, I think just because we're not having sex doesn't mean we can't have some fun, right? I really want to _please_ you Bella. Don't you want me to _please_ you?"

As he says this, he's reaching his hands up my shirt, towards my bra clasp. Goosebumps rise along my arms, but not in a good way. I silently beg Charlie to come home, praying I don't have to go along with this much longer.

His warm hands take off my shirt and unhook my bra, quickly pulling it off and massaging my breasts. I can't decide if I like this feeling or not. My mind is screaming for him to stop, but my body disagrees completely. In fact, having his musky, manly scent so close makes my body heat up and tremble slightly.

I give a muffled moan as he gently pinches my hardened nipples. He takes this as encouragement and rolls me over, straddling my hips and grinning smugly at me.

"See? I knew you wanted me Bella. I knew it was just a matter of time."

"Jacob, stop, please." But my voice comes out thick with desire, negating my words and only making him grin wider.

He lowers his lips to my ear and whispers, "Don't fight it Bella. I can make you feel so _good_."

Then his mouth is covering mine and he's reaching down to my jeans, unbuttoning them swiftly. He yanks them off, and I even help him by raising my hips and wriggling a little. I can't control my hormones at this point, and as much as I hate it, I'm aching for him to touch me.

He leans down again, pressing his bare chest to mine, rubbing my hips and sucking on my neck. I moan again, and he moves his tanned hand further down until it's resting right above my aching core.

I raise my hips to meet his fingers, signaling my desire. He groans and grinds his throbbing erection against my most sensitive spot. Now I really can't control my body's reactions, and I press even closer to his warm lean body. Things are escalating so fast it makes my head spin, and there's no time to think rationally about what I'm doing.

He dips his hand inside my wet panties, running his fingers between my legs and making me squirm with the unfamiliar feeling. After a bit more skillful rubbing, he finally plunges two fingers inside me, making me jerk my hips and let out a breathy moan.

He's pumping me, pumping, pumping faster. He adds a third finger and I'm losing my touch on reality. I never thought it would feel this good.

He increases his speed and finally I drop off the edge, throwing my head back, screaming out his name in ecstasy, repeating, "OH god, oh GOD!"

A few minutes later, after my heart rate and breathing have calmed down a little, I start putting my clothes back on. I get as far as my bra when he stops me and says, "My turn."

We both look down and I see that his huge member is as stiff as ever. I hesitantly reach my hand towards it, but I guess I'm going to slow for him since he pushes himself into my warm palm, already slightly thrusting.

I grab hold of him and move my hand up and down in time with his thrusts, which are rapidly increasing in speed. I'm afraid to look down at what I'm doing, scared that I'll noticeably cringe.

This isn't how I thought it would be. There's no love or emotional attachment. It's simply two people letting out a bit of sexual frustration. I feel empty. My motions become mechanical.

He's groaning louder, panting out my name, and grinding his hips on mine. He's shifting so his erection is right between my legs, and the throbbing is driving me wild. Even through my underwear, I can feel his warmth and it's getting me hot all over again.

I instinctively start moving my hips against his, clamping my thighs around him tightly. My hand never stops its emotionless movements, but his reaches back down into my panties and he pushes his fingers inside me again. We groan in unison and start grinding wildly. His eyes are rolling back into his head and I know he's already close, but so am I. Together this time, we scream each other's names, quickening our pace as we reach simultaneous climax.

As we lay tangled in my sheets afterwards, my head on his chest, I'm reminded of why I stay with him. He's so sweet with me now, kissing my head and telling me he always knew I loved him. He doesn't say he loves me, but I know he does. He doesn't need to tell me.

After he dresses and heads back home, I think about what we just did. I never thought I'd be…confident enough to do something like that. My hormones completely took over and I was lost in him, my body doing things without me consciously telling it to.

Curiously enough, I feel slightly guilty, and even a little soiled when Edward's beautiful face pops into my head yet again. I shake it off quickly, telling myself that it's ridiculous to feel guilty or disloyal for being with my own boyfriend. Even though I feel used and empty afterwards.

And even though I wish it had been Edward instead.

I wince with that traitorous thought, although Jacob can't hear it and isn't here to hit me for it.

My mind wanders to what it would feel like to have Edward doing what Jake just did to me. Then I think about if Edward has done these things, and with how many girls.

I cut myself off there when I realize that with a face like that, he's bound to have screwed countless girls. I get a sour feeling in my stomach, but shake that off too. I need to stop this train of thought.

Luckily, I hear Charlie pull into the driveway and hurriedly I put my bed sheets into the laundry and get into the shower. The last thing I need is for Charlie to see my bed in a mess and me standing there with sex hair.

Awkward sex talk with my father? No thank you.

Although I suppose finding my bed stripped and me in the shower isn't exactly inconspicuous. But it's my only option.

After my shower, I feel much more calm and clean. I cook Charlie a quick dinner and we eat in our customary silence. He seems strained and kind of preoccupied for some reason, but I'm not about to pry.

I head back upstairs and put fresh sheets on my bed.

I wonder what Edward is doing right now.

I do some light cleaning and organizing in my room.

I wonder what Edward is doing right now.

I email Renee to tell her about how therapy is going.

I wonder what Edward is doing right now.

I think about how glad I am that it's summer so I have no homework.

I wonder what Edward is thinking about right now.

This is getting ridiculous.

**So, do you hate me? I'm sorry, but this WAS necessary for the story. Trust me; I wouldn't do unnecessary BxJ, because I don't really like them together. Don't get me wrong, I do like Jacob. But he's not right for Bella. Anyways I'm getting off topic lol. I'm just saying that hope I don't lose any readers over this. I'm seriously paranoid about that lol. **_**Please review, even if you hated it!**_

**Playlist: Bright Eyes- **_**Lover I Don't Have to Love**_** (the Bettie Serveert version of this song is amazing also), Radiohead- **_**High and Dry**_**, Radiohead- **_**House of Cards**_**, Massive Attack- **_**Teardrop**_


	7. Wake Up

**Hello folks, thanks to all who have reviewed. If you're mad about the lemon last chapter, have no fear, it's the last BxJ thing I will ever put in here (hey I rhymed). This is the longest chapter yet, and I'm pretty proud of it. I think you'll like it; it's full of Edwardy goodness. Oh, and the song for this chapter is one of my all-time favorites (even though it's kind of old), and I really recommend Arcade Fire.**

**Disclaimer: I am not Stephenie Meyer; therefore I do not own any of these characters, besides Miranda. Not that owning Miranda is anything to be proud of.**

_**Chapter Seven**_

_**Wake Up**_

_**Somethin' filled up  
My heart with nothin',  
Someone told me not to cry.**_

But now that I'm older,  
My heart's colder,  
And I can see that it's a lie.

Children wake up,  
Hold your mistake up,  
Before they turn the summer into dust.

If the children don't grow up,  
Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.  
We're just a million little god's causin rain storms turnin' every good thing to rust.

I guess we'll just have to adjust.

With my lighnin' bolts a glowin'  
I can see where I am goin' to be  
When the reaper he reaches and touches my hand.

With my lighnin' bolts a glowin'  
I can see where I am goin'  
With my lighnin' bolts a glowin'  
I can see where I am go-goin'

You better look out below!

After our little 'encounter', I convinced Jacob to back off a little. I got a few smacks for it, but he finally relented.

I'm sure he's releasing all of his frustrations out on Leah Clearwater as we speak.

I just feel too uncomfortable doing things with him, knowing that I'm picturing Edward's face. I'm also a tad worried that I might yell out Edward's name instead of Jake's. He would literally kill me if that happened, and I'm not quite ready to die just yet.

Apparently I don't have to worry about Billy distracting Charlie for Jacob anymore either because last time, he and Charlie got into a huge fight. Charlie said he's never wanted to punch a man in a wheelchair before, but there's a first time for everything.

I guess Billy was defending Jacob, saying he would never hit me, and Charlie was all, "Well, I saw the bruises! Why would she lie?!"

And Billy was like, "Well, I raised my Jacob to be respectful of women. He loves Bella, and he would never hurt her!"

So Charlie stormed out and didn't tell me about the fight until the next day. It's kind of weird that while Jake and I were…doing things…Charlie and Billy were fighting about us. I guess it explains Charlie's strange mood when he came home that night.

Because of that little disagreement, Charlie has been in the house more often, and therefore Jacob hasn't had much opportunity to come by. Thank God. I couldn't deal with horny Jacob anymore. It was an interesting experience, and I liked it, but…

Once was enough.

On the way to therapy the next week, I'm wondering how Edward is going to treat me. We got along so well when we were alone, but he's made his opinion of the other group members quite clear. I'm not sure what he has against them, but I'm afraid that he won't want to talk to me when they're around.

Basically, I'm worried he'll go back to treating me the way he used to before I grew a pair and talked to him.

My question is answered when Edward opens the door for me on the way in and gives me a heart-melting crooked grin. I blush and smile back.

Wait, _what_?! I _blushed_?!

Oh great. I thought I was pretty much done with that…how annoying. I guess being in the presence of a god will do that to a girl.

When everyone starts heading to their usual seats, Edward taps Alice on the shoulder and asks if she can switch seats with him. Alice happily agrees and dances over to his normal seat, considering Edward usually sits next to Jasper.

I'm just as shocked as the rest of the group when he plops down next to me and asks in a playful tone, "So Bella, did you miss me?"

I'm completely relieved that he's not ignoring me. Dare I say, he's even flirting? The thought excites me beyond belief. But he can't know that.

I shake my head and roll my eyes, scoffing out loud dramatically at his question. Hopefully he doesn't realize that I'm doing this because I did in fact miss him, but have too much dignity to admit it.

He grins mischievously, and I'm pretty sure he realizes. Dammit. He says, "Oh don't pretend. I know you missed me. I'm very missable, you know."

This time, I don't have to dramatize my scoff as I say, " '_Missable_' is not a word Edward. And I see you haven't changed much since we last saw each other. You're still an arrogant asshole."

"And you, Swan, are still a sarcastic bitch."

He's full out laughing now, and I can't help but join in. I stop after a few minutes when I look around and see that everyone, including Miranda, is staring at us openmouthed. Edward notices a second after me and stops as well, actually looking a bit sheepish.

Emmett, being Emmett, shouts out bluntly, "Bella what did you do to him? He's…._talking _to you! And…_smiling!_"

Everyone nods their head in agreement, even Jasper, who would usually care the least. I shrug and blush, (again) while Edward grumbles under his breath, "Hey, I talk sometimes. It's not like it's a miracle or anything, Jesus."

At this point, Miranda is sitting there stupefied, staring at me like she's waiting for me to do a magic trick. More like reveal my hidden talent for turning formerly acerbic boys into fully functioning members of society.

Well, if only I was that special. I think Edward is only talking to me because I'm the first one to put up with his crap and to give him crap right back, instead of falling all over him like every other girl.

He looks over at me, and I glance back at him to see him smiling slightly and staring intently at my face. Maybe _he's_ even questioning why he talks to me. Huh, that's an interesting (and slightly painful) thought.

Anyways, I'm tired of this creepy silence and of everyone studying me and Edward, so I announce, "Okay people, enough with the looks. Let's starts, shall we?"

Miranda glares at me, and I smile angelically. She's probably mad because I took her line. Not my fault the woman's not doing her job. Edward chuckles and gently elbows me, because he knows it too.

Miranda clears her throat and says, "Yes, we shall. Today, we'll be talking about our emotional progress. I want to know how you think you've improved since we started therapy. What has helped you? Have you had any setbacks or problems that you think have affected your healing process? Emmett, you begin."

Emmett grins so big his dimples show and he starts excitedly, "Well, I think I've gotten better, since I haven't bought any steroids in the last six weeks. I've been working out more than ever to make up for it, and I'm getting results. Slower than with the roids, but it's still progress. And I don't think I'm as angry as I used to be since I got off them; little things that used to set me off before don't really bug me that much anymore."

When he finishes, he exaggeratedly winks at Rose and gives her a thumbs up. He's so hilarious; I can't imagine how boring therapy would be without him.

Miranda says, "That was excellent Emmett. We're all very proud of you. Alice, why don't you go next?"

Alice bounces up and down in her seat, but she's able to keep her eyes focused on one thing at a time (a definite improvement if you ask me).

She begins in her high little voice, "Okay! Well, I know I've gotten better, because I haven't stolen anything in forever! And I don't take pills anymore, because now that I've got Jazzy, I'm never bored." With this, she looks over at Jasper and gives him a seductive grin.

He looks back at her fondly, if a little embarrassedly at her obvious double meaning. Miranda smiles and says, "That's great Alice. I'm so glad you have Jasper in your life. Jasper, do you mind going next?"

He looks up and straightens his clothes (which have improved tenfold since he met his tiny fashionista girlfriend) and drawls in his slight Texan accent,

"Well, I know I've made a lot of progress because of Alice. She makes me so happy, and I don't know what I'd do without her. She helped me through my alcohol withdrawals."

He smiles gently and grabs Alice's fragile little hand in his left, rubbing circles on her back with his right. It's amazing to watch how the minute Jasper touches her, Alice stops fidgeting and relaxes into him. They are so good together; it makes my heart tug a little.

Miranda is glowing with pride, like Jasper just announced that he's all cured, thanks to Miranda's wonderful therapist skills. I don't think she should hold her breath for that one.

She turns to Rosalie with sympathetic eyes and gestures for her to go next. I know Rose well enough to see how annoyed she is by Miranda's constant pity.

She glares at her for a second, but begins in the bored tone she always uses when talking about her problems.

"Well, I know that I have a long way to go. I don't know if I'll ever really get over it. But it's not as bad as it was at first."

Miranda looks considerably disappointed with Rosalie's vague answer, but nods and turns her dull gray eyes on me next.

I look over at Edward and see that he's actually paying attention, and not glaring. He winks at me when he notices my glance and I turn away quickly before I do something embarrassing. Like drool.

"Um… I think I've improved. Things with Jake are much better, and I eat more now. So…there's that…" I trail off lamely and Miranda narrows her eyes, trying to determine if I'm lying.

One upside to dealing with Jacob is that I've learned to lie much more convincingly. But I really have gained weight. 3 lbs to be exact. Suck on that _Miranda_.

Edward suddenly speaks up, I think trying to turn Miranda's glare away from me, for which I look at him gratefully.

"I know I've gotten much better. In fact, I'm all cured. No more coke for me. And obviously no more stealing cars. So, great job Miranda for healing me, and I think we're done here!"

He jokingly starts to get up and we're all laughing openly at Miranda's shocked expression. That's the most words anyone besides me has heard from him since the first session.

Edward sits back down, smiling that crooked smile that drives me crazy.

I think Miranda is just having a bad day. Either that, or she's finally grown tired of our smartass attitudes.

She sniffs at Edward and raises her chin, "Okay, that was great kids. Now what we're going to do is partner up—"

As soon as these words leave her mouth, Alice and Rosalie claim Jasper and Emmett as their partners, leaving me with Edward. Not that I mind, of course.

Miranda continues, "—and draw each other!" She reaches under her folding chair in the center of our circle and pulls out a bunch of pencils and pads of paper.

"I want to know how you _see_ each other. Dig deep and look _under_ the surface. Look into their _soul_." She's gesturing wildly with her hands and her frizzy hair is going all over the place.

Edward is making faces and I'm trying not to laugh. I take back what I said about trust falls. _This_ is the most ridiculous and unoriginal thing I've ever heard of.

We all turn our chairs to face each other and hold up the pads of paper. I've always been a horrible artist, and know that no matter what, Edward's picture is going to look like a two year old drew it.

Complete with drool spots and everything.

Looking at him for too long is going to fry my brain, or at least hurt my eyes.

Edward is grinning at me over the top of his pad like he's having the time of his life. I think it's because he just likes to see me uncomfortable. Ass.

We are silent for the first few minutes and he's already sketching. I'm trying to figure out where to start.

He suddenly moves his chair closer to me and speaks up.

"So, Jingle Bells, how've ya been? Heard any good music lately?"

I snort at the new nickname, and we fall back into that now familiar pattern of insults and bickering. Soon we're discussing the merits of The Perishers.

"Well, all their songs sound the same."

"Yeah. But there's something about them. The stuff they sing about and the formula they use is really haunting and sweet. I love '_Nothing Like You and 'I_ and '_Sway'._"

"True. I like his voice. Much better than Conor Oberst. And my favorite is probably either _Sway_ or '_Trouble Sleeping'_." He has the nerve to smirk at me.

I groan, "Not that again. We've been over this, and I'm right. The end. Oh, and '_Trouble Sleeping'_ is boring."

He shakes his head, "Not the end. But I'll let it go for now, because I don't like going in circles. And '_Trouble Sleeping'_ is not boring. It's mellow. Huge difference. What do you think about Brand New?"

"Brand New is my favorite band of the moment. I've liked them for years, but just rediscovered them last year. Their newest stuff is so different, but they've managed to keep that spark that I love about them. Talk about amazing voices, Jesse Lacey is hot _and_ can sing his ass off. I've seen them twice, and both times they blew me away."

"Yeah, I saw them about a year ago, and they put so much energy into their shows. Even if you'd never heard any of their stuff, you'd still have an amazing time. When I saw them, Jesse Lacey played the guitar _with his cell phone_. Now that was badass."

My jaw drops, not at the cell phone thing (well, partly), but because we just completely agreed on something. He notices this as well, and gives me a crooked grin, his emerald eyes sparkling and amused.

I pick up my drawing pad and hurriedly draw his eyes, nothing else. I draw the long sooty lashes that fringe them, and the little wrinkles that appear in the corners of them when he smiles. I wish I had paint so I could get the color just right. His wide green eyes look alive, more so than I've ever seen them, and my drawing is nothing compared to the real thing.

Suddenly, I hear Miranda's voice behind me and she sounds shocked.

"Isabella, that's beautiful. Good job." I cringe at the use of my full name.

Is it just me, or does she sound faintly grudging, like she hates admitting that I did well?

Then she walks around to Edward's side and gasps loudly, her hand flying to her throat in surprise. The entire group looks up, Alice and Jasper breaking away from their cuddling session and Emmett and Rose from their staring contest.

They all get up and crowd curiously around Edward's chair, looking over his shoulder at his drawing pad, then glancing up at me, then looking back down. Edward is staring at the ground with a blank expression, his bronze hair falling over his face.

I'm the last to come over, and Emmett makes room for me so I can see what Edward drew. And I immediately back up and close my eyes.

Because it's me.

I mean, it's _seriously_ me. Not looking too good, either.

In fact, I look ready to keel over. My clothes and hair look haggard, and my face is tired and kind of tense. The worst are my eyes. I have big dark rings under them, and they look empty and dead. I always knew I wasn't pretty, but this is just…horrible.

What's really insulting is that everyone's like, "Oh Edward, that looks exactly like her! Who knew you could draw?"

There's no way I look that crappy. That just sucks. Why did no one think to mention this? Like, 'Hey Bella, you look like complete shit. You should probably do something about that.' It's not that hard.

How did I let myself get to this point? How could I have never noticed that things were this bad? God, no wonder Charlie sent me to therapy. I look like a pod person, just a depressed shell.

Edward is the only one who notices the pained look on my face, and I'm pretty sure he knows why. That boy must be able to read minds or something.

He saunters over while everyone is still preoccupied by that damned drawing. He touches my shoulder like he did on trust fall day and ducks his head to look into my (dead, apparently) brown eyes.

"Hey. Are you upset? Was it that bad? I thought I did pretty good, if I do say so myself." He's trying to distract me. It won't work.

"Yeah, you did. That's the problem. I didn't know I looked that bad. I look like…"

"An anorexic girl whose boyfriend abuses her?"

I laugh humorlessly and feel tears well up. Great, this is just great. I don't cry for months, and then end up ready to bawl in the middle of therapy. How cliché; I'm sure Miranda will love this. Edward probably will too; I know he's just dying to say 'I told you so'. I really am pathetic.

I choke a little on the unshed tears when I answer, "Huh. Yeah. Who'd have thought, right?"

He shakes his head with a small smile, "If it's any consolation, I don't think you look that bad. That guy at the coffee shop didn't think so either, remember? He was glaring at me like he wanted to jump over the register and attack me for being with you."

My laugh is a little more real this time, but a couple of tears escape and roll down my face. Edward looks at me and I can't read the expression in his eyes. They look hard and angry, but he's tenderly wiping the tears from my cheeks. My face flames at his touch and he chuckles. He is really talented at this whole distracting thing. And at drawing. I'm slowly learning that Edward is good at everything.

I clear my throat awkwardly, trying to change the subject. My voice is hoarse but a little more humorous, "So anyways, where'd you learn to draw like that? Much as I hate to admit it, that picture is seriously good."

He shrugs and replies nonchalantly, "I know. I just picked it up here and there." He makes a motion with his hand as if to dismiss my comment, as if he hears that he's talented all the time.

I glare and shake my head, "Arrogant prick."

He grins, "Skinny bitch."

We laugh and I go back to my seat, hoping nobody saw me crying in the corner like an idiot. I don't think so, considering no one says anything and therapy continues, with Miranda analyzing everyone's sketches.

"Emmett, it doesn't look like you looked under the surface." She holds up his picture, which is basically a stick figure with long hair and tits.

And I thought mine was bad.

Miranda goes on, "Rosalie, this is not much better, but at least yours has a face." Rosalie's is a stick figure man with curly hair and huge muscles. But, she added dimples to his smile.

"Jasper, this is wonderful! I like the creativity! You've really captured Alice's _essence._" I've come to the conclusion that Miranda has an old lady crush on poor Jasper. His drawing _is_ pretty good though; it's totally Alice, that's for sure. He got the bubbly facial expression down, and her body is blurred like she's in motion. Yep, he knows Alice well.

"Alice dear, this is also quite good. I like that you did his whole body in such detail." Alice smirks, and I can practically hear her dirty thoughts from here. Her portrait is fully detailed; every button on his shirt in place, even the fabric of his jeans is shaded to look dark washed. Her eye for fashion definitely overruled her concentration on the actual task.

"Bella, like I said, this is simply wonderful. It's interesting that you only drew his eyes. Can you tell me why?"

"Um, I don't really know….the expression in them just sort of jumped out at me. And I suck at drawing, so figured I shouldn't get too ambitious and just stop with the eyes."

Everyone chuckles, but Miranda shakes her head and says, "No, I think it goes deeper than that. It's very symbolic."

Ooookay, whatever you say lady.

"And Edward, we've all seen your wonderful portrait. It's a perfect rendering." He looks down at his motorcycle boots and smiles a small smile.

Yeah, we get it.

It looks just like me.

Thanks.

Can we drop it?

God I hate Miranda.

**Playlist: Arcade Fire- **_**Wake Up**_**; The Perishers- **_**Nothing Like You and I, Sway, Trouble Sleeping**_**; Broken Social Scene- **_**Anthems for a Seventeen-Year-Old Girl**_


	8. Ride

**Hey guys, sorry it's been longer than usual for me to update. My summer has gotten a little more hectic than I originally expected, so updates should be coming every three to four days from here on out. Sorry! I hope you guys like this chapter and please, please review!**

**Disclaimer: Still don't own the characters. Stephenie Meyer does, and I never will.**

_**Chapter Eight**_

_**Ride**_

_**You are everything I wanted  
The scars, all I'll ever know**_

If I told you you were right  
Would you take my hand tonight?  
If I told you reasons why  
Would you leave your life and ride?  
And ride...

You saw all my pieces broken  
This darkness that I could never show

If I told you you were right  
Would you take my hand tonight?  
If I told you reasons why  
Would you leave your life and ride?  
And ride...

After last week, I'm a bit wary to go back to therapy. Having your own little personal epiphany will do that to you. When I got home after that last session, all I did was think about my life. It's like I never stopped to think about what I was doing, and then one little drawing from Edward has me questioning everything.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to change my entire life or whatever. It's just…this isn't how I pictured my life to be. I know that Jacob needs me and loves me. I still care for him, but I don't love him as deeply as I once did. And staying with him when I don't want to just because he needs me has taken its toll. I look like a zombie, and before now, I didn't even care. I can't help hating myself for what I've done. It's not fair to Jacob, and it sure as hell isn't fair to me. Edward was right, I am pretty damn pathetic.

As much as I dislike it, I still can't break up with Jacob. It would destroy him, and I just can't do that to him. He's lost everyone he loves in one way or another, and he's desperate to hold onto me. Maybe he doesn't always show it, but I know he loves me and wants me to stay. I mean, in the last two years, his mother died, his father was confined to a wheelchair, and both his sisters left him to fend for himself.

It's hard on him, and I guess he thinks he has the right to hold onto me in whatever way he can. The sad thing is, I used to think that he had every right too. All week, I've been debating on what to do. And Edward keeps penetrating my thoughts. Every time I come to the decision to stay with Jake, thoughts of Edward have me rethinking it.

It makes me feel horrible, because what right do I even have to think about Edward in that way? I have no claim on him. He's gorgeous and funny, and I'm….well, not. It's just another reason to stay with Jacob, because he's what I deserve. I don't deserve Edward.

Before coming to therapy today, I tried to clean myself up a bit. I took a long hot shower, blow dried my hair to make it silky and straight, and put on some mascara and lipgloss. Not a lot, but still an improvement. I just don't want my efforts to be too noticeable, because Edward will probably see right through me. He always does.

Therapy is boring again today-- surprise, surprise. More lectures. Thank god we don't have to actually talk today; I don't know what would pop out of my mouth. I sit there tuning Miranda out and thinking about Edward while trying not to stare at him. Now that he's officially traded seats with Alice and sits next to me, not staring is much easier than it was when he sat in front of me.

Before I know it, Miranda is dismissing us for our fifteen minute break and Edward is coming up to me with a grin.

"Hey there Bella, how are you this fine evening?" He's all cheery for some reason, and it's creeping me out. It's so out of character. Maybe he wants something from me.

I fight to keep my voice light and nonchalant, "Pretty good. And yourself?"

"Not too bad. So what do you usually do during these little breaks?"

"I talk to everybody else and eat stale doughnuts. Why?"

"Do you think I could join you? I'm pretty bored out there in my car, all cold and alone." He gives me a dramatic shiver to emphasize his point, making sure he looks all lonely and sad.

I roll my eyes, "Ugh, fine. I don't mind. I just hope the others are as compassionate as I am. I don't know if they'll take too kindly to you worming your way in."

He chuckles and follows me over to the stale doughnut table, which is currently surrounded by Emmett stuffing his face, Rosalie rolling her eyes, Alice giggling at Emmett, and Jasper gazing adoringly at Alice.

They look up at our approach and Emmett swallows the massive amount of food he has in his mouth before shouting, "Look Rosie! I told you last week wasn't a fluke! He really does talk to Bella!"

Everyone laughs except Edward and I, because Edward is too busy smiling sheepishly and I'm too busy blushing like mad and glaring at Emmett.

Alice dances over and says, "Welcome Edward! We're so glad you're finally talking to us! I hope it's because you want to, and not just because you want to spend more time with Bella!"

Now, I'm blushing like mad and glaring at Alice. Except this time, Edward is laughing.

"Actually Alice, I got really bored in my car and decided to come see what all the fuss is about over here. And on the plus side, I get to spend more time with Jasper!"

He winks at me and walks over to a horror-stricken Jasper, putting his leather-clad arm around the poor guy's waist. Emmett is laughing with his massive head thrown back, and I'm hoping he doesn't choke. Alice is glaring at Edward menacingly. Apparently she's not in on the fact that he's joking. Rosalie is watching Emmett in amusement (I've noticed that no matter what is going on, Rose is always watching Emmett with an amused expression. It's the only time she really looks happy.) Jasper is stuttering and trying to shrug Edward's arm off, and I'm just taking in the scene and trying to cover my snickers with my hand.

Edward finally takes his arm off only because Alice takes it off for him and proclaims that Jasper is hers. It's a funny sight to see: little four- foot tall Alice glaring up in jealousy at a six- foot smiling Edward. Jasper, ever the peacemaker, steps between his two lovers and puts a hand on Alice's shoulder, reassuring her that Edward is only kidding.

Alice finally lets up on the glaring and Edward returns to my side, giving it a little squeeze. Now it's my turn to glare, because I know that he only squeezed my side to get a repeat of the coffee shop incident. Ass.

He looks down at me grinning, "Jealous Bella? I'm sorry I never told you before, but I was using you to get to Jasper."

Everyone laughs this time, even me and Alice. It seems that Edward is officially welcomed into the group now. I shouldn't be surprised; he's just that smooth and charming.

After the fifteen minutes is up, Miranda gathers us back to the circle, and Edward sits next to me again without any hesitation. Therapy is boring as usual, and we don't really do anything note-worthy. Another lecture about "expressing yourself in healthy ways" and "being an individual".

Afterwards, I'm walking to my truck and shouting goodbyes back to Emmett when Edward sneaks up behind me and tugs a little on my mahogany ponytail.

I whip around ready to scream when I see his stupid smug face grinning at me.

"Gah! Edward! What the hell are you doing?"

He's laughing hysterically and takes a minute to answer, "Oh my god! You always have the best reactions, Jingle Bells. Anyways, I wanted to know if you want to get some coffee?" He smirks, "Unless you're worried the cashier guy is going to hit on you again. We can find another place if you want."

"Haha you're hilarious. But yeah, I can go. I don't care where, it's up to you."

He smiles and his perfect white teeth are glinting in the fading sunlight. Again, I'm struck by his amazing good looks. And once again, I'm struck by how much I don't deserve him.

I follow him over to his Volvo automatically, and then stop halfway, tugging his arm to get him to stop too.

"Hey, wait a minute. How come we never take my truck?"

He snorts, "Uh, you're kidding right? That thing is going to explode one day, and I don't plan on being in it when that happens. I'll take the safety of my Volvo, thanks."

I glare, "Hey, watch it! It's old but it's not about to explode! Jacob fixed it up for me, and he's a great mechanic. He wouldn't let me drive around in some death trap."

Edward's smile fades and I know that it was a mistake to bring up Jake. The mood isn't as playful as it was before.

He sighs and says quietly, "Bella, just get in the car. You can drive next time, okay? I was only joking."

I smile gently, "I know. I'm sorry; I didn't mean to get so defensive. I've just had a lot on my mind and Jacob has been a sore subject lately."

He doesn't respond as we walk the rest of the way to his car and get in silently. He turns the ignition and The Almost's '_Amazing, Because It Is_' comes on. I'm brought back to the first time we went for coffee. I have the same reaction to this song as I did the Death Cab for Cutie one that first made me realize that Edward and I had something in common.

I sigh and lean back into the comfortable black leather seat, "I love this song. It's so peaceful, and it builds so beautifully."

He smiles a small smile and nods, "Yeah I know. It calms me down. It's the kind of song you just have to turn up loud." He reaches over and turns it up, the quality speakers blasting.

We don't speak the whole way there, just listening to the song and tapping our feet to the rhythm. I suddenly remember that Edward plays the guitar and sure enough, when I look in the back, his shiny black acoustic guitar is resting on the seat.

"Hey Edward? Can you play this song on the guitar?"

He smiles and his emerald eyes light up, "Yeah. Do you want to hear it?"

I grin, "More than anything."

When he pulls into the parking lot of the coffee shop, we both go into the back seat without a word. He picks up the guitar and leans over it, pieces of bronze hair falling in his face. He strums a few chords before beginning in one of the smoothest, silkiest voices I've ever heard.

-

-

-

"_I was so scared of everything you put in front of me  
I've been marching to every part of me  
Just to see  
See  
Why you need me to be  
The boy you need me to be_

Amazing grace  
How sweet the sound  
That saves a wretch like me  
I once was lost  
And now I'm found  
Was blind but now I see

I just wanna see

I'm the type of person who lets fear drive  
I'm the type of guy that's in drive  
Cause I'm addicted, I'm needy  
I'm lost without you  
I need you  
I need you

Amazing grace  
How sweet the sound  
That saves a wretch like me  
I once was lost  
But now I'm found  
Was blind but now I see

Amazing grace (amazing grace)  
How sweet the sound (how sweet)  
That saves a wretch like me (that saved a wretch like me)  
I once was lost  
But now I'm found (you know I'm found)  
Was blind but now I see

Amazing grace (you're amazing)  
How sweet the sound (you're amazing)  
That saves a wretch like me  
I once was lost (it feels so bad when you're lost and alone)  
But now I'm found  
Was blind but now I see"

-

-

-

When Edward finishes, I want to beg him to start over and play it again. His version is 100 times better than the original, and I know that he is truly talented. I don't deserve him, and I want to cry because of the truth of it.

He looks up and just stares at me for a second before reaching over and brushing away the hair I had let fall to hide my face. It's calm and peaceful in the dark car, no noise or interruptions. The tinted windows and silence make it seem so…private.

I finally meet his green eyes and there's a tender expression in them. I have no idea what he sees in mine; all I know is that I wish he could like me.

I wish I was beautiful like Rose or confident like Alice instead of this broken, bruised mess I've let myself turn into. I wish I was the kind of girl that would break up with Jacob and make Edward fall in love with her.

My depressing thoughts are interrupted when Edward reaches up to cup my face in his hand and asks softly,

"What are you thinking about? Why do you look so sad?"

I shake my head and sigh, hoping he'll drop it like he usually does. No such luck.

"Hey, don't do that. Don't brush it off like I'm wrong. I know you're upset about something. Is it Jacob again or something? I thought you said things were better."

He spits out Jacob's name like it burns his tongue.

I know I'm not going to get out of this, so I tell the partial truth. Leaving out the part where I wish I could make him love me, of course.

I roll my eyes, "I lied. I _was_ talking to _Miranda_ when I said that, you know. I'm not about to tell her that Jake gets more possessive every day, or that he's cheating on me, or that I still barely eat and I've only gained three lbs in the last two months."

He shrugs, "Well, how was I supposed to know? You really think he's cheating on you?"

"I don't think, I know. He doesn't even really try to hide it anymore."

"Why would he do that? I thought he loved you."

"He does."

"Doesn't seem like it."

"Well, he does. He just….isn't getting what he wants from me, so he gets it from _Leah_." Now it's me who is saying Leah's name like it burns my tongue.

"Oh, so you mean….Oh. I just assumed you guys had…"

"Nope. We've been dating forever and he's wanted to since we were like fourteen. But I keep telling him I'm not ready. I realized a few days ago that I'm ready, I just don't want to with _him._"

Guilt. That's what I feel when I realize that I'm telling Edward my deepest secret, and basically cheating on Jacob in my mind. Shame. That's what I feel when I admit out loud that I'm with a boy I don't even love. Hate. That's what I feel towards myself for needing to tell Edward these things. For needing him to understand.

"Oh. Well, if it makes you feel any better, I can kick his ass. I'm sure Emmett would be happy to assist me. Remember that day he totally freaked out on you and Rose? That was hilarious."

I'm utterly surprised. "I didn't even think you were listening to that. I figured you were bored and didn't care."

He smirks, "I listen to everything. I just have a good poker face. And I cared, but I didn't think my opinion would be appreciated."

I chuckle quietly, "Oh. Yeah, you were probably right. I would have probably just been more pissed if you had joined in."

I pause, gathering my courage for what I'm about to do.

"Listen, this is random, but can I ask you a question? We can make another deal if you want."

He looks confused and a bit hesitant, but nods, motioning for me to continue.

This question has been bothering me since trust fall day. I know that his answer is going to be important, maybe the most important thing he's ever told me. I'm scared to see his reaction, but I just…_have_ to know what I did wrong. It could change everything.

I take a deep breath and look him in the eyes. I'm not sure I'm going to like his answer. That is, if he even does answer.

"Um…I'm not sure how to word this…but…why did you storm out the day we did trust falls? You looked so…mad at me. What did I do wrong?"

He looks down, but not before I catch the slight anger in his gaze.

"I wasn't mad at you. You didn't do anything wrong. I was just…angry at myself, for hurting you when I touched your ribs. And angry at Jacob for hurting you in the first place. And angry at you for letting him do that to you. And angry at my mother."

Now I'm completely lost. I was expecting him to yell at me to 'mind my own business' or something, like Jacob would do. I've never heard Edward speak about his parents before-- I was right, this is big.

"Why would you be angry at your mom?"

He shakes his head and doesn't answer, and I use his earlier line on him. "Hey, don't do that. Don't brush it off like I'm wrong. Why were you angry at your mom?"

His face is pained and frustrated, but he finally speaks up. "Did you know that I'm adopted?"

Shocked, I stutter out, "Um….no. You never told me that."

He nods and continues in a quiet, hesitant voice, "Yeah, I don't tell anyone. Ever. But it's true. Carlisle and Esme adopted me in Chicago when I was twelve. Before that, I lived in and out of foster homes and orphanages for about three years. My real parents weren't exactly the best a kid could ask for. Well, actually my mom Elizabeth was amazing. But my dad, Edward Senior, was abusive. He would hit me and my mom almost every day after work. He was a divorce lawyer and I guess his job was stressful or something, because he would always come home really pissed. And he took out all his anger on my mom and me. Mostly my mom though, because she would lock me in my room sometimes so he couldn't get to me. I don't remember much about him except the hitting and cursing. And that he looked like me."

At this point in the story, he stops and looks down. I grab his hand and he jerks his head up, looking at our entwined hands and then into my eyes, letting me see how sad and scared he is. My heart aches for him, but I try not to show any pity in my expression. I know that if he thinks I feel sorry for him, he'll never forgive me. I can't believe he's telling me all this.

I nudge him with my shoulder and grip his pale hand harder, silently asking him to go on.

He takes a deep breath and continues, "As a kid, I always wondered why my mom didn't just leave my dad. I mean, to kid that young it seems pretty simple. Dad hurts mom, mom should leave so he doesn't hurt her anymore. I still don't understand why she never left him. That's why I wanted to know why you stay with Jacob. I've always wanted to understand why women stay with men that abuse them so badly."

He's gripping my hand so hard his knuckles are white, but I barely even notice. I'm too preoccupied with thinking of what I could possibly say to Edward.

But there's something else that's tugging at the back of my mind. It's quiet for a few minutes, our breathing the only sound in the car as I gather my courage again to ask him my next question.

It's so quiet that I feel the need to whisper, not wanting to break the silence, "Edward…what happened to your real parents?"

His face looks like I'm causing him physical pain, and he runs the hand I'm not holding through his hair repeatedly.

I say softly while holding his gaze, "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. But maybe it will help me understand."

He stares into my eyes and sighs, "My dad finally left us when I was nine. Ran away with some client of his or something. And when my mom found out, she told me she loved me, drove me to an orphanage, and left me there. I had no idea what happened to her until I was in a foster home a few weeks later and my foster father was reading the newspaper. I looked over and there was a picture of my mom in the obituaries. Apparently she hung herself in the bedroom she and my dad had shared." His voice breaks halfway through the last sentence and it's as if someone punched me in the stomach. I've never seen him so honest and serious before. It hurts.

I suck in a sharp breath and quickly pull his body towards mine. He doesn't say or do anything, just holds onto me and buries his face into my neck. I can feel his ragged breathing, and I can tell he's holding back tears. I rub his back and run my hands through his thick hair soothingly.

This is not what I was expecting to happen, but I'm glad it did.

I'm glad that I can be the one Edward comes to.

I'm glad that he trusts me enough to tell me things he's never told anyone before.

I'm glad that I can feel so safe with him.

I need to figure some things out.

**Playlist: Cary Brothers- **_**Ride**_**, The Almost- **_**Amazing, Because It Is**_**, Radiohead- **_**Nude**_

_**Please Review!**_


	9. Sowing Seasons

**Hey guys, I just want to say sorry for not updating sooner. stopped sending me emails to let me know when stories I have on alert were updated. I don't know if it was just me or if it happened to you guys too, but I decided not to update just in case, since there would be no point if you didn't know I updated lol. I also want to say thanks to the few people who reviewed the last chapter. I barely got any, and I hope it's not because you guys are losing interest! I'm going to keep writing no matter what, and I won't hold chapters hostage until I get a certain number of reviews, but it IS nice to hear what you guys think. So please take a few seconds to review, it really means a lot when you do. Thanks and enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer, brilliant woman that she is, owns all of these characters.**

_**Chapter Nine**_

_**Sowing Seasons**_

_**Was losing all my friends  
Was losing them to drinking and to driving  
Was losing all my friends but I got them back**_

I am on the mend  
At least now I can say I'm trying  
And I hope you will forget the things I still lack

Yeah  
Yeah

Is it in you now?  
To bare to hear the truths that you were spoken  
Twisted up by knaves  
In a trap for fools

Is it in you now?  
To watch the things you gave your life to broken  
You stoop and build them up with worn out tools

Yeah Chorus

Nothing gets so bad  
A whisper from your father couldn't fix it  
Your whispers like a bridge, he's a river span

Take all that you have  
and turn it into something you were missing  
Somebody threw that brick  
And shattered all your plans

Yeah Chorus

Time to get the seeds into the cold ground  
It takes a while to grow anything  
Before its coming to the end yeah

Before you put my body in the cold ground, take some time to warm it with your hands  
Before it's coming to an end, yeah

It's coming to an end

Do you miss the blend  
Of colours she left in your black and white field  
Do you feel condemned just being there?

I am not your friend  
I am just a man who knows how it feels

I am not your friend  
I'm not your lover,  
I'm not your friend.

Yeah Chorus

Time to get the seeds into the cold ground  
It takes a while to grow anything  
Before it's coming to the end yeah

_**-**_

_**-**_

_**-**_

After that day in the Volvo two weeks ago, things between Edward and I have totally changed. It was to be expected though. When you tell someone things about you that no one else knows, when you trust them with things you would never even admit out loud to yourself, the situation is bound to be different.

I'm still deciding if it's a good different or a bad different. Things are just more…intense.

I feel like he knows me better than I know myself, as stupid and over-used as that saying is. Edward is the most important person in my life now, and I can confidently say that the feeling is mutual. We're pretty inseparable lately.

He comes over to my house whenever Charlie isn't home, and when Jacob is with Leah or his friends. Which is pretty often, considering that Jake and I rarely even speak anymore, to be honest. I guess he doesn't need me as much as I thought.

That is actually really hurtful. I mean I've stuck by him when he's put me through so much, and now he only calls to tell me he can't come over because Billy needs him. I know that's a lie, but I'm not going to call him on it. That would be the stupidest thing I could do.

Edward has helped me a lot in the past couple of weeks, encouraging me to break up with Jacob and to eat more. I'm slowly but surely gaining weight, although I can't gain too much too fast or it could be unhealthy. Hey, look at that; I actually care if I'm being unhealthy. Maybe Edward is helping me more than I even realize.

Of course, the rest of the group has been helping too. Last week Alice, Rosalie, and I went to Alice's house for a girl's night. Not my idea of a great time, but I guess it's all about the company.

We watched movies and talked about silly crap, like how much in love Alice and Jasper are. The night took a serious turn when Rosalie finally talked to us about _that_ night. I'm not even sure how it came up exactly, but I got the feeling that Rose really needed to talk about it. So Alice and I sat quietly, not interrupting, not trying to comfort her. We just let her talk.

She started off by telling us that she still has nightmares about it. She spoke in that same bored tone she always uses when referring to her "ordeal", as Miranda calls it.

"That night just repeats over and over again. Nothing ever changes. I can remember the strangest details of it too….like what direction the wind was blowing. And what the alley way smelled like. The whole time it was happening, I was counting bricks on the side of the building I faced. It was easier than thinking about what was really going on. I can still remember I got up to 167 bricks before I passed out."

That pretty much broke my heart. Alice and I looked at each other, trying not to cry or hit something. Rosalie merely sat there studying her newly painted nails, but I could see her hand violently trembling. I think she'd had, in Miranda's words, a "breakthrough".

Since that night, Rose has been a little less cold towards all of us. But just a little. She's also started allowing Emmett to touch her. But strictly in friendly, non-threatening situations, when the rest of the group is around.

I'm assuming she's still afraid to be anywhere alone with him, but I can tell that she's beginning to trust him a little more. How can she not?

Emmett is so patient and gentle with her, I think it's only a matter of time before she lets him all the way in. They are too good together for her to pass it up. Just like Alice and Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett are perfect for each other.

I'm drowning in envy yet again.

Why do I have to make things so complicated for myself? Why do I have to care if I hurt Jacob, when he obviously doesn't care about how much he's hurt me?

Edward would never hurt me.

Speaking of Edward, he has actually made some progress too. One random night we were at my house, and I was in the kitchen cooking dinner for us because Charlie wasn't coming home until late.

Edward came up behind me and put his arms around my waist, leaning his head on my shoulder.

He does things like that now; touching me and being all sweet. It's….interesting, and I'm surprised by how much I like having his skin on mine. It's a completely different feeling from whenever Jacob touches me.

Anyways, he leaned his head on my shoulder and asked in a playful tone, "So Jingle Bells, whatcha making? That's an awful lot of food for an anorexic chick."

I rolled my eyes, pretending to be offended at his reference to my little problem.

"Hey! I'm not anorexic anymore, remember? I've gained five lbs since therapy started, asshole!"

And with that, I turned around and hopped on his back, wrapping my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist.

He laughed loudly, pretending to strain under my weight, "Jesus Bells, no kidding! You weigh a ton! Now get off me; all ninety lbs of you is killing me!"

I hopped off, smacked him hard on the back of his head, and proceeded to smile up at him innocently while stirring the noodles for the spaghetti.

"Yeah, so now that I'm pretty much cured," I rolled my eyes, "what are we going to do about you?"

He seemed surprised, "What about me?"

"Um, your little coke problem, perhaps? I don't want to have to worry about you anymore."

"Aww, you worry about me? I'm touched, J.B."

I looked him dead in the eyes, "Edward, I'm being serious. I really do worry about you driving and stuff while you're high. Not to mention what it's doing to your body."

He shrugged, "Come on Bella, I thought we agreed no lectures. Leave that to Miranda, please."

I shook my head and sighed sadly, "Please, at least try to quit. Just try. For me. I don't know what I'll do when I come to therapy one day and you're not there, because you OD'ed or got into a car accident while you were high. Because it will happen if you keep going the way you're going. I just know it…"

I trailed off and looked down embarrassedly, because I knew I had probably revealed just how much I cared for him. He would probably run out of the house screaming now and never look back. I was in too deep.

But he surprised me by moving closer and taking my face into his hands, tilting it up so I was forced to look him in the eye.

He sighed, "Is it really that big of a deal? Does it bother you that much?"

I nodded my head sadly, "Please, promise. For me."

He sighed loudly, "Alright, I promise. I guess I'll quit. Since you're almost all healed or whatever, I can't be the only dysfunctional one."

I chuckled and grabbed his hands from my face, but didn't let them go. "Thank you."

He laughed and went to sit down at the kitchen table, "Oh, don't thank me yet. Have you ever been around someone going through cocaine withdrawals? I'm not going to be very pleasant for the next few months. If I can even do it at all."

"You can. Do you realize how stubborn you are? I have no doubt you will quit. And the unpleasantness won't be much of a change anyways."

I smirked and turned back around to face the now boiling spaghetti noodles, glad that the playful atmosphere was back.

And since that night, because of our promises-- spoken and unspoken-- Edward and I are both on our way to getting over our various problems. Edward has been doing really well. Who knew his stubbornness would actually come in handy?

He hasn't relapsed yet, but he has told me that it gets harder every day, not easier. He fights every day not to answer the phone when his dealers call.

I've taken away his cell phone for now, and if a dealer calls, I tell them Edward is dead. They don't call very much anymore, but occasionally they'll be really high and forget that Edward is 'dead'.

Today is a particularly boring day at therapy, and Edward comes over afterwards. We're messing around in the living room, him on the couch with his guitar and me lying on the floor, occasionally calling out requests.

My favorite of his is still '_Amazing, Because It Is',_ but lately I've had an obsession with the Spill Canvas. Edward's voice is perfect for their vocal style, so I keep asking for '_The Tide'_ and '_So Much_'. He surprises me all the sudden with my all time favorite song from them, _'Lullaby'_.

-

-

-

"_It's the way that you blush when you're nervous  
It's your ability to make me earn this.  
I know that you're tired,  
Just let me sing you to sleep._

It's about how you laugh out of pity  
'Cause let's be honest, I'm not really that funny  
I know that you're shy,  
Just let me sing you to sleep.

If you need anything,  
Just say the word, I mean anything.  
Rest assured, if you start to doze  
Then I'll tuck you in,  
Plant my lips where your necklace is closed.

It's those pills that you don't need to take,  
Medicating perfection, now that's a mistake.  
I know that you're spent,  
Just let me sing you to sleep.

It's your finger, and how I'm wrapped around it  
It's your grace, and how it keeps me grounded  
I know that you're weak,  
Just let me sing you to sleep.

If you need anything,  
Just say the word, I mean anything.  
Rest assured, if you start to doze  
Then I'll tuck you in,  
Plant my lips where your necklace is closed.

While you were sleeping,  
I figured out everything:  
I was constructed for you,  
And you were molded for me.

Now I feel your name.  
Coursin' through my veins.  
You shine so bright, it's insane.  
You put the sun to shame.

If you need anything,  
Just say the word, I mean anything. (I really do)  
Rest assured, if you start to doze  
Then I'll tuck you in,  
Plant my lips where your necklace is closed.

If you need anything,  
Just say the word, I mean anything.  
Rest assured, if you start to doze  
Then I'll tuck you in,  
Plant my lips where your necklace is closed."

_-_

_-_

_-_

When he finishes, that song automatically becomes my new favorite of his.

I sigh and lay back down on the carpet (I sat up when he had started playing so I could watch his face) saying, "I'm going to dance to that song at my wedding."

He laughs at my dreamy tone, replying jokingly, "I'll be sure to remember that."

I get a little thrill up my spine when he says that, loving what he's hinting at. My excited thoughts come to a screeching halt when I hear a harsh banging at my front door.

I stand up to look through the peephole and see Jacob standing outside, looking red-faced and pissed as hell.

He starts shouting and pounding harder on the door, "Bella! I know you're in there! I hear a guy's voice! What the fuck do you think you're doing?!"

I look over at Edward, a panicked look on my face. Edward's expression is contorted into one of pure rage, and there's a murderous look in his eyes. He stands up and stalks over to the door, opening it swiftly. I peek over his broad shoulder to see Jacob's incredulous face.

He bellows, "Who the _fuck_ are you? Goddamnit, I knew that stupid bitch was cheating! Bella, get out here, NOW!"

I immediately start to walk over to Jacob, used to following his orders to avoid the pain that comes from disobeying. On my way past him, Edward reaches out his muscular arm to block the path towards Jake.

He says in a seething, barely controlled voice, "Bella isn't going anywhere near you, you filthy bastard. Get the fuck away from here and never even think about coming back. If I ever hear that you've even spoken Bella's name out loud, I will happily kill you."

Jacob starts pushing Edward backwards into my house, therefore pushing me, since while he was talking Edward had pushed me behind him protectively.

Seeing Jacob stand in front of Edward, I can see that they are pretty evenly matched. Jake is taller, but Edward is more muscular. Plus, I think Edward just plain wants it more. He has a lot of pent up rage and aggression. I don't think Jacob stands a chance.

Apparently, Jake doesn't see what I see, because he's now in Edward's face, pointing his finger into his chest and taunting him.

"So I was right all along. Bella, you have been cheating on me—with this piece of shit, no less. I always knew you were a whore. That's why I never felt guilty for hitting you, you know. Because I knew you deserved it. _Bitch_!"

With that, he launches himself past Edward and towards me. I back up hastily, but know that it's useless. He gets one good smack in, that causes my eyes to automatically tear up, before Edward pulls him off me.

Edward roars, "You sick mother fucker!" and pulls Jacob around, punching him square in the face. Jake spins into the banister of the stairs, bending over it to help balance himself.

But Edward doesn't give him time to regroup, instead pulling him back up and hitting him again. This time, Jake hits the ground. Edward kicks him hard once, twice, three times in the stomach, and blood is pouring out of his mouth and nose.

The smell of his blood is making me sick and I'm on the ground screaming desperately for Edward to stop.

"Edward! Please stop it! You're going to kill him! _Edward_!"

He finally looks over at me and the glazed look in his eyes is frightening.

There's no doubt in my mind that Edward isn't just hitting Jake. He's remembering all those times his dad hit his mom, remembering all those times his dad hit him. He isn't really in the present.

But the sound of my voice brings him back enough to make him realize what he's doing, and he finally stops. Jacob is moaning in a heap on the ground, clutching his nose and stomach.

I can't find it in myself to be compassionate, because I know that if Edward hadn't been here, it would be me lying on the ground in pain. I'm done feeling sorry for Jacob Black.

It only took me several years.

Edward kneels over me worriedly, "Bella? Oh my god, Bella I'm sorry! Are you okay? Did he hurt you? Oh god I'm so sorry I wasn't fast enough! I didn't think he'd go straight for you like that! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! Oh god, oh god!"

He's frantically touching my face, which is already starting to bruise, and holding my head delicately like I'm about to break.

His voice is on the verge of hysterics now and I'm holding him like I did that night in his car, rocking him back and forth murmuring,

"Hey, it's okay. I'm fine. I've had worse, don't be sorry. It's okay, it's all okay. We're fine, I'm here Edward. I'm here."

It takes him a few minutes to calm down, but once he does, he notices that Jacob is still on the floor spitting blood out of his mouth. He pulls away from me and walks over to pick Jake up, dragging him out the front door to his car, pushing him roughly in the driver's seat and leaning over him.

I see him whisper something in Jake's face and point a finger at him, his expression menacing.

Jacob nods a few times and slams the door to his crappy Rabbit, speeding off, leaving an eerie silence behind him.

Edward slowly walks back over to me, where I've been standing on the porch watching the whole exchange.

"So, what did you say to him?"

He shrugs nonchalantly like he didn't almost just kill a guy, "I told him if he ever came within a hundred yards of you I'd rip his arms off and feed them to him."

I nod, "Okay. So what do you want for dinner?"

He laughs and pulls me to him, holding me tight and whispering, "I'm sorry you saw me behave that way. I kind of…lost it when I saw him hit you. I've tried to imagine it so many times, but actually seeing him hit you like that just…made me freak. Bad memories, you know. And after I soak my sore knuckles, chicken parmesan sounds good."

We laugh and amble back into the house, arms wrapped around each other tightly.

**Playlist: Brand New- **_**Sowing Seasons**_**, The Spill Canvas- **_**So Much**_** and **_**Lullaby**_**, Rolling Stones- **_**Wild Horses**_** (I couldn't decide between this version or The Sundays' version, but in the end I thought that since it's from Edward's point of view, a guy singing would be more appropriate lol. But the other version's tone fits the chapter better. Either way, this song rocks and I really recommend it)**

**Please review!**


	10. Wonderwall

**Hello people! Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter and I hope you like this one—it's the longest chapter yet by far. Bella gets her party on, what's not to love?! Lol Also, I know using '**_**Wonderwall' **_**isn't very original, but it just works too well to pass up**_**.**_

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the characters, not me.**

_**Chapter Ten**_

_**Wonderwall**_

_**Today is gonna be the day  
That they're gonna throw it back to you  
By now you should've somehow  
Realized what you gotta do  
I don't believe that anybody  
Feels the way I do about you now**_

Backbeat the word was on the street  
That the fire in your heart is out  
I'm sure you've heard it all before  
But you never really had a doubt  
I don't believe that anybody feels  
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding  
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding  
There are many things that I would  
Like to say to you  
I don't know how

Because maybe  
You're gonna be the one who saves me  
And after all  
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day  
But they'll never throw it back to you  
By now you should've somehow  
Realized what you're not to do  
I don't believe that anybody  
Feels the way I do  
About you now

And all the roads that lead to you were winding  
And all the lights that light the way are blinding  
There are many things that I would like to say to you  
I don't know how

I said maybe  
You're gonna be the one who saves me  
And after all  
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe  
You're gonna be the one who saves me  
And after all  
You're my wonderwall

Said maybe  
You're gonna be the one that saves me  
You're gonna be the one that saves me  
You're gonna be the one that saves me

At our fifteen minute break during therapy today, Alice comes bouncing up to Edward and I in his car. We are sitting in the opened trunk of his Volvo just laughing at Miranda as usual, when Alice pops out of nowhere and scares the crap out me.

So much so that I almost fall out of the trunk and onto the wet asphalt.

I say 'almost' because Edward, with his crazy cat-like reflexes, catches me at the last minute. Thank god, or I never would have heard the end of it from Emmett, who had come up behind Alice with Rosalie and Jasper.

Alice ignores all the snickering at my expense and gushes excitedly, "Ohmygosh Bella, guess what? There's going to be a party at this kid Mike Newton's house tomorrow night! We're all totally going, and we can go shopping for new outfits and Rose and I can do your hair and makeup! It's gonna be SO fun! Why aren't you excited?"

That girl's moodswings are astounding. One second she's all bouncy, and the next she's pouting because I'm not as bouncy as she thinks I ought to be. Crazy pixie.

I groan, "Alice. You know I don't go to parties! I don't see the point. And plus, I happen to hate Mike Newton with a passion; Edward knows why. And I'm not going shopping. And no Bella Barbie either. God. I'm sorry, but it's just an all around NO."

Alice's pout deepens, and she looks to Edward, "But Edward's going, right Edward? It's gonna be amazing. Bella, you'll be sorry you missed it!"

I roll my eyes and shrug, "Doubt it."

Edward nudges my ribs with his elbow and tilts his head towards me, "But Bella, I'll go with you. Mike Newton won't bother you. You don't need to go shopping, but you know how much Alice and Rose love to play Bella Barbie. You can't deny that face."

He gestures to Alice, who is in full on puppy- dog- pout mode. Goddamnit. I look over to Rosalie, hoping for some kind of sympathy. Her face is set in a determined expression; no luck there. Emmett and Jasper are wrapped around Rose and Alice's little fingers, so they're no help. And Edward (who is supposed to be on my side!) is ganging up on me too.

I'm doomed.

I sigh heavily, "Fine. But no shopping. And Edward, if Mike Newton tries to mouth rape me again, I'm holding you personally responsible. I hate you all."

They all laugh and high-five each other, Emmett saying, "Well done chaps!" in this strange accent that I guess is supposed to be British but sounds more…Japanese. In case you haven't noticed, Emmett is bizarre.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

It's Friday night. Party night.

Oh joy.

Alice is digging around in my closet while Rosalie is curling my hair into a sexy/just- got- out- of- bed mahogany mess. Finally Alice emerges holding a pair of light blue skinny jeans, a tight dark red tank top, and black ballet flats. Then she pulls out one of those short- sleeved half-jacket things that's made of delicate black lace. I don't remember ever buying that, and I have a sneaking suspicion that Alice bought clothes for me and pretended to find them in my closet. Sneaky sprite.

Well, at least I'll be fairly covered up and casual, and Alice knows me well enough to not give me heels.

Once I'm dressed, Rose and Alice work together on my makeup, putting powdery crap all over my face and making my eyes look smoky with a bunch of black eyeliner and shimmery bronze eye shadow stuff. Needless to say, all this makeup is theirs, definitely not mine.

I don't even know the purpose of most of this junk.

After they're finally finished and have deemed me party-ready, we walk downstairs to find the guys watching TV. They notice us and stand up, telling us all the mandatory "Oh you look so pretty" crap, and I roll my eyes, leading the way out to Emmett's jeep.

However, we can't all fit, so Edward volunteers his Volvo to take me and him. We jump in and he leans over, brushing my hair out of my face and whispering, "You really do look great, Jingle Bells."

I roll my eyes again and say sarcastically, "Yeah, yeah. Eyes on the road, smooth operator."

He laughs and cranks up Ash's '_Vampire Love_', causing me to bounce up and down in my seat, dancing to the song and actually getting into the mood to party. We both sing along and hold our fists up to act as microphones, like we're in fifth grade. But hey, it's still fun.

You know you still do it too.

When we pull up, laughing and breathless, there's nowhere to park because Mike Newton's house appears to contain the entire teenage population of Forks. Which is really only about two hundred kids, but it looks more like a thousand the way they're all crammed in there like sardines.

God I hate parties. Have I already mentioned that?

Edward has to park like three blocks away, and when he opens my door for me, he takes my hand and doesn't let go. Not that I mind or anything. In fact, as we get closer to the party, I'm gripping his hand harder.

I hate big crowds of people.

Especially big crowds of sweaty, drunk, horny people.

When we walk through the door, Mike Newton is there and looks me up and down lecherously. Edward puts his arm around my shoulders and leads me towards the kitchen to get a drink. I only want a beer; there's no way I'm getting drunk tonight. No shots for Bella.

Edward grabs two beers from a huge cooler and we head out towards the backyard to get away from the crowd. We find Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, and Alice all out there, sitting on one of the logs surrounding a bonfire, drinking and laughing.

They're the perfect picture of a group of friends, and watching them all interact makes me think about how crazy it is that we all met in therapy. We started out hating each other, all wrapped up in our own problems. Now we look so happy and carefree, and yeah, we still have problems, but it's easier to forget about them when we're together like this. You know, in a normal teenage setting instead of a group therapy room.

Even Edward and I, huddled on our own smaller log and making fun of the drunken skanks dancing around, look normal and lighthearted. After all the Jacob drama, it feels good to be content and warm-- happier than I've been in years. I'll have to thank Alice for making me come.

I realize Edward and I are out of beer, so I get up and ask anyone if they want anything before heading into the kitchen to get refills. Cliché mistake.

I know you've all heard this one before:

Girl goes off alone at the party, and is intercepted by her abusive ex-boyfriend. He sweet talks her, saying he wants "closure", and pulls her aside to "talk".

I am so stupid.

Jacob leans against the wall next to me, grinning lazily. His face is still pretty banged up and his nose is definitely broken, with two shiny black eyes on either side of it. He looks untroubled and smug, and I'm getting a little nervous as to what he's planning. But we are in the middle of a party, and there are plenty of witnesses. He wouldn't dare do anything to me here. Instead of hitting or yelling at me, he gives me the shock of my life.

"Bella I just want to say I'm sorry, you know, for everything. I didn't mean to hurt you so badly. I'm kind of glad we're broken up, because Leah and I are together now. She's no you, but I'm happy. So thank you."

I can't even form words. I stand there for a full minute, mouth open, staring at him.

Finally, I'm able to stutter out, "Uh…sure Jake. I'm…glad you're happy, I guess. I'm glad we can both move on…I guess?" It comes out as a question. Probably because I am questioning his sanity.

He nods and leans forward, grabbing me into a big hug. He kisses my cheek. I begin to move out of his embrace, but he catches my face and pulls it towards his.

I knew it.

My first reaction is to relax into him, like I used to do. His warm, familiar lips are covering mine, muffling the scream I let out when I finally realize what he's doing. After a good two or three minutes of him eating my face and me struggling to push him off me, he pulls back and grins maliciously over my shoulder.

"Jacob what the _hell_ are you doing? You just told me how happy you were with Leah! Are you _psychotic_?"

"Silly Bella. You know you're the only one for me. Leah's okay and all, but you are _mine_. You belong to me. You love me and I love you. Unfortunately, you seem to have forgotten that. I'll just have to remind you."

He grabs my arm and drags me outside onto the front porch. There's no one out here to help me, but I keep struggling anyways.

"Jake, let me go! Edward's going to come looking for me, you know. I called him off once, I don't know if I'll be able to stop him from killing you this time."

He chuckles arrogantly, "Oh, I don't think _Edward_ is going to be a problem anymore."

His voice is confident and my stomach drops. I go through a million scenarios in my head of Edward hurt, lying broken on the ground and Jacob standing over him triumphantly. No, that couldn't have happened. I've been with either Edward or Jake all night, there's no way Jacob had time to get to Edward. But his friends Quil and Embry….Oh god.

I'm trembling now, frantically shaking my head, "Jacob what have you done? Did you hurt him? Please don't hurt him Jake, please! I'll stay with you, I'll never talk to him again, just _please_ tell me you won't hurt him!"

His expression is spiteful and I recognize his tone as the one he uses when he's about to snap, "Listen to you Bella. Do you hear yourself? You're pleading for the safety of someone who's NOT your boyfriend! How do you think that makes me feel, huh Bells? God, you're such a cheating slut!"

He pulls his arm back to land a smack to my still bruised face and I fall back from the force of it, hitting the side of the house as I go.

All the sudden I hear loud footsteps and the door bangs open, revealing a very confused Emmett. The confusion melts away into fury as Emmett realizes what's going on. He grabs Jacob by the shirt and pulls him away from me.

"What the hell is going on here, huh? You must be Jacob. I've been wanting to meet you for a very long time."

He smiles an intimidating smile and without warning puts all his weight (which as we all know is a lot) into a massive punch to Jake's stomach.

The wind is knocked out of him and he can't even speak. He just groans and doesn't try to get up. I'll be surprised if he's not bleeding internally from all the hits he's taken to the stomach in the past few days.

Emmett comes over to me and helps me up, pulling me into a bear hug, "Bella are you alright? Did he hurt you? Oh man, I heard someone yelling but I didn't know it was him! I just came out here to look for you!"

I smile reassuringly and pat him on the arm, "No Em, I'm fine. Thank you so much for showing up when you did though. I owe you, big bear." He chuckles at the nickname and I look over at Jake, who is still on the ground.

I slowly walk over, holding a hand to my tender face and leaning down to Jacob's crumpled form. This is the end, for good this time—but for some reason it still hurts to let him go. Tears are running down my face as I whisper,

"Jacob Black, I am not yours. I was once, but not anymore. I haven't been yours for a long time now. You broke me, you know. I didn't even care; I just let you do what you wanted with me. But I'm done waiting for _my_ Jake to come back. You're a different person now, and I hate you for all the things you've done. Don't ever come near me again. Ever."

Then I add frantically, "Now what have you done to Edward? Where is he?"

Before Jacob can even look up to reply, Emmett cuts in, "Edward was looking for you! But that was a while ago. He came running into the backyard a few minutes ago with a weird look on his face. Did something happen with you two?"

Now I'm confused, "No, I haven't seen him since I came in to get more drinks. Jacob intercepted me, obviously. He said something that made me think he hurt Edward somehow though. Where was Edward headed the last time you saw him?"

Emmett shakes his head, "He was heading upstairs last I saw him. Like I said, he looked weird. Like freaked out, and kind of hurt. That's why I thought maybe you guys got into a fight or something."

Shit. He must have seen me and Jake kissing. That would explain why Jacob was acting so weird right afterwards. He kissed me and grinned smugly because he knew Edward was watching.

And the cliché continues.

But Edward should have known that I wouldn't be kissing Jacob of my own free will. Does he have that little faith in me?

And I wonder why he would go upstairs…unless he's with some girl up there. God, my life is just one big cliché, apparently. I have to find him. I hurriedly wave bye to Emmett and whisper "Thanks" one more time before going inside and heading in the direction I believe the stairs to be.

Before I can take one step up, Jasper comes up behind me. I turn around, to find that leaning on Jasper is a very drunk Edward. But his eyes look strange, his pupils completely dilated. Fuck. He's high.

Jasper shouts into my ear, trying to be heard over the horrible rap playing, "I found him sitting in the backyard in front of the fire, mumbling incoherently about 'my Jingle Bells' and 'filthy dog' and 'eating ripped arms'. What the hell happened?"

I want to laugh at the absurdity of this fucked up situation and cry at the realization that Edward fell off the wagon because of me. Well, partly because of Jacob, but mostly because of me. Fuck, fuck, FUCK!

I'm shaking my head sadly and watching Edward, who is glaring at me and jerking his body around in random motions. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.

I take Edward off of Jasper, but quickly realize I can't support him on my own. I turn to Jasper, "Jazz, can you help me get him to his car? I'll take him to my house. Charlie's gone for the weekend, and I can't take him home to his parents like this."

"Yeah sure, just let me go tell Alice to stay near Emmett and Rose. This party is getting out of hand, and I think we're gonna leave soon too."

As he walks off to find the others, I sit Edward down on the stairs and sit next to him to keep him from falling over. His skin is so hot it feels like he has a bad fever, and he can't sit still. His eyes are rolling around in his head, and he keeps looking around like someone's calling his name. I don't know if these are effects of coke, or if he's drunk too, or if he took some other kind of drug. This is bad.

When the others show up, Emmett and Jasper pick up Edward and support him between the two of them. Edward's hand suddenly reaches out and grabs mine, pulling it to his face and kissing it fiercely in random spots. Then he starts cracking up like it's the funniest thing he's ever seen. And then he gets a sudden burst of energy and tries to run out of Emmett and Jaspers' grasp.

It's weird and scary to see calm, cool Edward acting so different. I hope I can handle him in my house alone. He just keeps babbling incoherently.

We finally get to the car; the guys shove Edward into the passenger seat and dig through his pockets for his keys. Edward is giggling madly and squirming away from their hands like a mischievous toddler. I reach into his front jean pocket and instead of squirming away, he leans his body into mine and smiles seductively.

I feel something that is definitely not his keys, and know that he is going to be really embarrassed in the morning when the guys make fun of him for this.

Hell, I'm embarrassed _for_ him.

I finally find his keys in the inside pocket of his black leather jacket and start up the car. I wave goodbye to the others, thanking them for their help and promising to call in the morning.

The drive home is irritating and bizarre, with Edward singing along to some weird Spanish song he finds on the radio; he doesn't even know the words. He's just speaking random things in time with the music. It would be hilarious if he wasn't annoying the shit out of me.

I attempt to distract myself from thinking about all the crazy crap that happened tonight, and the painful throbbing on the side of my face. I think about the fact that I have officially broken up with Jacob. It's surreal and hasn't sunken in yet. I just can't believe how things have turned out. I mean, I used to dream of marrying that boy. These thoughts aren't doing a good job of distracting me, so I force myself think about how Edward's Volvo is seriously smooth and easy to drive; now I see why he loves the damn thing so much.

I pull into my driveway and say a quick thank you to whatever deity it was that decided to make Charlie be gone for the whole weekend. Edward is going to be sleeping this off for a while.

I miraculously get him upstairs to my bed without falling down the stairs. I pull off Edward's shirt, too pissed off to really care that his perfect body is shirtless in my bed. He's still singing, actually in Spanish this time. I didn't even know he knew Spanish.

After I get him tucked in, he stops singing and tries to pull me into bed with him. When that doesn't work, he tries to get up and follow me out of the room. I have to turn around and push him backwards to the bed, and now he's trying to take off _my_ shirt. I smack his hands away and he pouts, managing to look adorable and annoying at the same time.

Then the giggling starts up again and he won't stop until I get in the bed with him. Finally, after I've kicked off my shoes and gotten under the covers with him, he shuts the hell up. Although he keeps wriggling around trying to get comfortable.

I hold him down, attempting to get him to cease his movement, but I think that turns him on or something. Maybe coke just does this to a person. He grins and snuggles up with me, pressing me against him and allowing me to feel his arousal.

Damn him for being sexy even when he's high as a kite. He's whispering nonsense into my ear and his breathing is erratic. But not in a turned-on way; more like in a drug-induced way.

I look over and his eyes are closed. He's all sweaty and pale, feverish and sick looking. I run to the kitchen to get a glass of ice water and wet some washcloths with cold water.

I run back upstairs full speed, quickly sitting him up and get him to drink some water, and then put a washcloth behind his neck, on his chest, and over his forehead.

I'm trying to think of other ways to cool him down, because this isn't working fast enough. I think about what I've seen on TV about this sort of thing and all I remember is cold showers. I go as fast as I can into the bathroom and run an ice cold bath, knowing that holding him up in a slippery shower would be impossible.

Once the tub is almost full, I rush back into my room to find Edward shaking and shivering on the bed, sweating profusely. I practically drag him over to the bath and use all my weight to toss him in, shoes and all. He lands with a splash and a loud curse, "FUCK!"

He tries to jump out, but I use my last bit of strength to hold him down. It's not too hard considering he's really weak and tired out by now. He sits in there for a while with his eyes closed. I hold my ear to his mouth and then his chest, trying to listen for his breathing pattern and heartbeat.

Thankfully, he's breathing fairly normally. His heart is still beating really fast, but it's not as bad as it was earlier. He's stopped shaking so violently, now only slightly shivering from the cold.

After about twenty minutes, I figure he's been in there long enough and put his arm around my shoulder. My muscles scream in opposition as I strain to lift Edward's now wet and limp body out of the tub.

Suddenly he gains a little strength and helps me lift him. His eyes flutter open and he stares at me for a minute, blinking rapidly. He mumbles, "Bella, you're so pretty" and weakly reaches up to touch my face.

I roll my eyes. Even delirious, the boy's a charmer. We slowly make our way back to my bed and I set him down, grabbing his legs and pulling them up so he's lying down. I get a couple of extra quilts from the cabinet and put them over his shivering body. He tries to pull me down with him again, and this time I'm too tired to resist. The last thing I remember is reaching for the remote to my stereo and pressing play, letting Death Cab for Cutie's '_Company Calls Epilogue (Alternate Take)'_ fill the room.

**Playlist: Cartel- **_**Wonderwall**_** (Really any version works, but this one fits the mood best. I also like Ryan Adams' version), Ash- **_**Vampire Love**_**, Death Cab for Cutie- **_**Company Calls Epilogue (Alternate Take)**_

**Have any of you guys seen that video of Robert Pattinson singing? His voice and music style weren't what I was expecting, but it wasn't TOO horrible lol. What do **_**you**_** think?**

**Please Review!**


	11. Drugs or Me

**Hey guys, thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter and I'm sorry I took so long to update (and that this one's a bit short). Enjoy and please review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters; Stephenie Meyer does. I've only messed with their stories and personalities.**

_**Chapter Eleven**_

_**Drugs Or Me**_

_**Stay with me  
You're the one I need  
You make the hardest things  
Seem easy  
Keep my heart  
Somewhere drugs don't go  
Where the sunshine slows  
Always keep me close**_

If only you could see the stranger next to me  
You promise, you promise 

_**That you're done  
but I can't tell you from the drugs**_

Don't let go  
We'll dig a great big hole  
Down an endless hole  
We'll both go  
You're so blind!  
You can't save me this time  
Hope comes from inside  
And I feel so low tonight

If only you could see the stranger next to me  
You promise,  
You promise that you're done  
But I can't tell you from the drugs  
I wish that you could see  
This face in front of me  
You're sorry, you swear it: you're done  
But I can't tell you from the drugs

I need your hands to pull me up  
To pull me up  
Take the wheel out from me  
Take me so far

Keep my heart  
Somewhere drugs don't go  
Where the sunshine slows  
Always keep me close

I'm woken up around noon by a bunch of loud shuffling and muttered curses. Not the most fun way to wake up, but when you open your eyes and see Edward Cullen standing in front of you half naked, trust me-- you'll take it.

I perk right up at the beautiful sight that is Edward shirtless, but then grimace at the realization that I probably look like crap. He looks over at me with a grimace of his own, but I'm hoping that it's at the raging headache he's probably experiencing and not at my horrendous appearance.

I remember the events of last night, and my subsequent annoyance and disappointment in Edward; suddenly his grimace seems justified. I can't believe it was all real. But one touch to my face proves it; the bruise Jacob left there is proof enough that it all really did happen. This morning is going to be awkward. I can't imagine how Edward felt waking up next to me, since I doubt he remembers much of what happened. We obviously need to talk.

He looks at me blankly and says quietly, "Hey. Thanks for taking care of me last night. I'll just get dressed and be out of your hair."

Maybe he does remember…I wonder if he remembers how many times he tried to take my clothes off…

With that in mind, I scramble out of bed gracelessly, "No, don't worry about it; we can talk about it later. And don't go yet! I'll make us breakfast. I'm guessing you're in need of a lot of strong coffee and maybe some pancakes?"

He hesitates, but eventually nods, "Alright. I'll let you take a shower and meet you downstairs."

He heads over to the door and makes his way to the living room. I hear the TV come on and I rush into the bathroom, intending to take the fastest shower possible. But once I'm under that hot water, things slow down considerably. It just feels so damn _good_ that I almost forget there's a very gorgeous, very hungover boy in the living room waiting for me to make him breakfast.

I rush through the rest of my routine, towel drying my hair and pulling on some comfortable jeans and a soft, light grey T-shirt. I stumble down the stairs to find Edward sitting in one of the mismatched kitchen chairs, arms on the table, head down.

"Hey, sorry I took so long. So pancakes, right?"

He raises his head slowly and squints against the light filtering through the windows, rasping, "Coffee."

I chuckle softly and lean over the sink to close the curtains and block out the sunlight, "Oh yeah, sorry I forgot. Coffee coming right up. "

His mouth smiles slightly, but his eyes look inexplicably sad. After that we fall into an awkward silence. It's unfamiliar territory; Edward and I rarely have awkward silences. He usually fills any halt in conversation with music banter and jokes. He seems too preoccupied and bothered to be chatting mindlessly. I can't take it anymore, so I sigh and start to prepare the coffee.

"Edward, are we going to talk about what happened last night?"

He looks down and studies his hands with a scowl, suddenly pissed, "Nope."

Needless to say, I'm already exasperated, "Seriously, why did you do that? Why did you break your promise? I know it's hard, but you said you'd try. You were doing so well until last night! Do you realize you hadn't touched any coke for over two weeks? What made you go back on all that?"

I'm afraid to hear his answer, because I'm pretty sure he's just going to confirm what I already know: it's my fault. He growls and runs a hand through his hair, irritated.

"Bella, I'm not talking about this. I mean it. I guess I'm just not strong enough to quit, okay? I'm sorry! Okay?"

His tone turns mocking, but I can hear the hurt underneath it, "I'm sorry I'm not as perfect as you want me to be."

I sigh frustratedly, "Edward, come on. I'm not Miranda here. You can tell me whatever it was that made you break your promise." I add silently in my head, "_and what's making you so upset"._

He looks up sharply, "Bella, I don't want to talk about this. You know what set me off. Let's just drop it, okay?"

"No, it's not okay! All I know is, Jacob cornered me and started kissing me while you were off doing lines with a bunch of cokeheads! You promised me Edward!"

His shoulders tense and he shakes his head confusedly, "_What_?! He cornered you? But I saw you guys talking and making out, and then he…he _smiled_ at me like he…he…_won_ or something. I thought you were going to take him back…"

I laugh humorously, "Edward, you're an idiot. Honestly, didn't you see the look on my face? How could you possibly misinterpret shock and disgust for forgiveness and love? You're so ridiculous! Look at the bruise he left on my face. Not exactly conducive to getting back together."

He growls defensively, "Hey, how the hell was I supposed to know? You've stayed with him this long! What's keeping you from going back to him this time, huh?"

I sigh resignedly and whisper, "You are."

His eyebrows raise as high as they can go, "What?"

My voice gets louder without my permission and I cross my arms tightly across my chest, "I said _you are_. You are keeping me from going back to him. Are you happy now?"

He shakes his head and looks up at me, "I still don't know what you're talking about. What am I supposed to be happy about?"

I'm yelling at him now and can't really control what is coming out my mouth, "You're keeping me from going back to Jacob because I don't want _him_ anymore. I want _you_! _You_, you dumbass!"

Silence.

Oops. That was definitely not supposed to come out that way. I can't take it back, but then again I'm not sure I want to; he needs to know how I feel about him. How I've felt about him since the beginning.

Edward's face is shocked and filled with some unidentifiable emotion, and he doesn't say anything for the longest time. I feel tears brimming at the rejection I already know is coming. Okay, maybe he didn't need to know.

He takes a deep breath and looks down at his hands.

"I-I don't know what to say, Bella. I'm…sorry…but…this--this can't happen. I can't let it happen. I'm no good for you. I don't want to hold you back."

There's a tense silence and he refuses to look up at me.

"You…don't…want…me?" My voice comes out thick and hoarse. I can't process what he's saying, only picking up on the most painful words and trying to string them together into coherency.

He shakes his head, "I'm sorry Bella. My parents called while you were in the shower. They told me that after I didn't come home last night, they realized that I need more help than just therapy. Like you said, I can't keep going like I'm going and expect things to just work out for me. So they've arranged for me to go to a rehab center in Colorado, and I agreed to it because I thought you were back with Jacob. But even though you aren't, it still doesn't change anything. I don't know how long I'll be in rehab, and it's not fair to you. You deserve better than me."

The tears are leaking down my face at his blatant dishonesty, "You don't have to lie to me Edward. If you don't want to be with me, just say it. Just please don't ever lie to me like that. I-I-I think you should…leave."

His mouth tightens into a thin line and he nods curtly. He replies in a strangled voice,

"Yes, I think I should go. I'm sorry Bella, but it's for the best. Trust me, you don't need someone like me in your life. I'll just screw it up even more."

I shake my head, holding the sobs back stubbornly. I'm not crying in front of him again. I should have known this would happen. Edward has it wrong--it's me that doesn't deserve him. Haven't I said that all along? '_It doesn't change anything.'_

He stands and grabs his leather jacket off the back of the kitchen chair, walking quickly out into the hallway.

I follow him in a trance-like state, looking at the back of his bronze head the whole way to the front door. He opens the door and steps out, but then turns back abruptly and grabs my hand. He pulls it up to his face and kisses my palm, trying to look into my eyes, but I refuse to look up from the ground.

He gently presses that familiar leather jacket into the hand he just kissed and whispers close to my ear, "Goodbye, Jingle Bells."

I watch as he runs through the pouring rain to his Volvo, getting in quickly and speeding off. I stand there staring at the corner his car disappeared around for a good hour, clutching his sweet smelling jacket to my chest.

Occasionally I press the palm that he kissed up to my own lips, desperately trying to memorize the taste he left on my skin. '_It doesn't change anything.'_

This feels like a bad dream—it's surreal. I am so pathetic, and now I have no one. Maybe I should have just stayed with Jacob after all. At least then I wouldn't be alone. Why does this always happen to me?

Life allows me to be happy for the briefest instant, but then rips it away just as quickly. I was so happy with Jacob at first, when we were younger, before he lost his mom and everything turned to shit. Then I was miserable for over a year, until I met Edward.

I wasn't quite happy, but I could see myself getting there eventually, as long as he was with me. But now he's gone, just as I knew he would be soon enough. I guess I really don't deserve happiness. I'm back to where I started, except Jake isn't even here. I took a chance by telling Edward how I felt, and it blew up in my face. _He left me_.

Maybe I'm meant to be alone. I feel like shouting, "I told you so!"

I tried to tell myself all along, I knew this would happen. Tried to protect myself by not feeling anything for anyone. Dead inside, that's what I was. Empty and dead, that's what my eyes were in Edward's portrait of me. _Edward._

I was a fool to think that he and I could help each other. That I could do him any good, or that he could pull me from my depression. He doesn't want me—he never did. _'It doesn't change anything'._

Apparently, it was a good thing to be so vacant. It would have prevented this feeling that is worse than any amount of emptiness. Sorrow, regret, disappointment, _pain_. This is what my life is, what I have become. _'It doesn't change anything.'_

**Playlist:**** Jimmy Eat World- **_**Drugs or Me**_**, Brand New- **_**The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot**_** (I had a hard time choosing between this and **_**Drugs or Me**_** for the chapter title, because these lyrics are perfect too), Copeland- **_**Love Affair**_**, Damien Rice- **_**9 Crimes**_

_**Please Review!**_


	12. Storm

**Hey guys, thanks SO much for the awesome reviews I got for the last chapter! I'm bowled over by all of you support and suggestions. Warning, this chapter is very depressing. But I hope you like it anyways ******

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns these characters, not me. So don't sue please.**

_**Chapter Twelve**_

_**Storm**_

_**How long have I  
Been in this storm?  
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form  
Water's getting harder to tread  
With these waves crashing over my head**_

If I could just see you  
Everything will be alright  
If I'd see you  
The darkness will turn to light

And I will walk on water  
And you will catch me if I fall  
And I will get lost into your eyes  
And everything will be alright  
And everything will be alright

I know you didn't  
Bring me out here to drown  
So why am I 10 feet under and upside down?  
Barely surviving has become my purpose  
Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you  
Everything will be alright  
If I see you  
The darkness will turn to light

And I will walk on water  
And you will catch me if I fall  
And I will get lost into your eyes  
And everything will be alright

And I will walk on water  
You will catch me if I fall  
And I will get lost into your eyes  
And everything will be alright  
I know everything is alright  
Everything's alright

Depressing. Boring. Annoying. Lonely.

These words describe therapy for the past three months. God. It's been a whole three months since _he's_ been gone. A whole three fucking months.

In those three fucking months, I've gone through all of the stages of grief, according to Miranda.

Denial: _"I don't care that he is gone. It's not that bad. I'm not really even upset anymore."_

Anger: _"Why would he just leave like that? God, I'm so over this! I hate him for having this effect on me!"_

Bargaining: _"If I never talk to Jacob again, maybe Edward will come back. I'll do anything he wants me to, if he would just come back."_

Depression: _"I deserved this anyways. There's no point in trying to forget about him. Why should I even try?"_

Acceptance: ….Actually, I've yet to master this stage. I think I'm forever in limbo between depression and acceptance. I've accepted that he never wanted me. I've accepted that he's never coming back for me. But this acceptance just leads to more depression. What a sick fucking cycle.

But life goes on, even when I don't particularly want it to. Charlie still forces me to go to therapy, even when I throw big fits about it. Well, I threw big fits when I was still in the anger stage. Now, I just shuffle out to my truck without complaint.

Edward is gone. But unfortunately, Miranda is still hanging around, giving out stupid advice and 'inspirational' messages like always. No one understands why his leaving had such a big affect on me, not even the other group members.

"Come on Bells, we're all going out for pizza tonight. And you're coming, no matter how much you fight it."

I roll my eyes and shrug my shoulders at Alice, not bothering to say anything verbally. I think this worries her even more, instead of being faintly reassuring like I meant it to. I've never been good at pretending.

I squeeze myself into her tiny, bright yellow Porsche and she speeds off, driving faster than even Edward did. It's sick how my every thought revolves around him.

Have you ever noticed how hindsight makes _every little fucking detail_ of what you did wrong crystal clear in your mind? It's not really helping me recover when all I do is think about how stupid I was to have waited so long to break up with Jacob.

Or how stupid I was to have pushed Edward into quitting. If I had just left him alone about it, he might have quit on his own. And then he wouldn't have relapsed, and then his parents wouldn't have sent him to rehab.

Or if I had never talked to Jacob the night of the party. If I'd never left Edward's side, he wouldn't have seen me and Jake kissing, assumed I was taking him back, and agreed to go to rehab. He would have fought to stay here. To stay here with me.

That last thought is what always gets me: He would be here with me _right now_. And any way you look at it, it's my fault he's not.

Can you believe how pathetic I am, wallowing over this boy that I spent weeks hating, then weeks loving, and now three months without? I've spent more time without him than I did with him! It's sad, really.

But I can't help it that he left a permanent mark on me. Not the way Jacob did. Edward didn't leave bruises or scars on my body. Well, maybe he did mark me physically, in a way. Sometimes it's like I can feel it, feel the break in my chest. Sometimes I can't breathe because of it, like I'm suffocating because of it. Sometimes it hurts so bad that I can't even cry. I'm just….numb because of it.

Have you ever felt that way, or am I the only one? Am I just crazy, to feel like this? If you say I'm insane, I'm not gonna argue; even I think I'm crazy sometimes.

We pull up to the pizza place and Alice dances around to my side of the car, dragging me out the second my seatbelt is undone. Alice will be Alice.

The others park next to us in Emmett' huge red jeep that makes Alice look like a dwarf whenever she stands anywhere near it. Its hulking shadow looms over her and she has to crane her head nearly all the way back to look up at Jasper, who has just opened his door. I bet from up there, Alice looks like a toddler to him; you know, with those big eyes staring up at you and those little arms reaching out, waiting for you to pick them up?

Jasper jumps down from the seat and grabs Alice up into a hug like they haven't seen each other in days, instead of just the ten minutes it took to drive over here. The sight of them is bittersweet. I'm happy for them, but they have what I want. What I would have if _he_ were here.

Well, actually, probably not. Because he made it clear that he doesn't want me. Then again, since he's not here, I can imagine whatever I want and he can't dispel my hopeful thoughts. Those thoughts that are the only thing keeping me going at this point.

But on the flip side of that argument, if he was here I wouldn't need those thoughts to keep me going-- because he would be here to do that. Okay now I'm just rambling in circles; never a good thing.

Suffice to say, I'm envious of Alice and Jasper. And Rosalie and Emmett too, who get closer every day. In fact, Emmett has mostly cracked through Rose's tough exterior. She's much more willing to be vulnerable in front of him—she laughs and jokes and even playfully punched him in the shoulder once last week.

Their relationship is strange to witness if you didn't know both of their backgrounds. Emmett follows Rose around like a (humongous) lost puppy, but never gets close enough to touch her. She has to be the one to come to him, and she seems to prefer it that way.

Maybe it makes her feel stronger if she sees that a huge guy like Emmett is totally at her mercy.

And Emmett…well, Emmett doesn't mind as long as he gets to be within a ten foot radius of Rose. His admiring eyes follow her wherever she goes, which I'm sure makes her feel more confident and protected. I know I would, if I had a boy doting on me the way Emmett does on her.

About a month ago, Rose started one on one therapy with a different psychiatrist, and since then she's been a little less distant. I'm guessing that means her psychiatrist is actually helpful, unlike Miranda. They moved her out of her father's house, much to Emmett's relief. Now she lives in a boarding house with a few other kids in her same situation.

She told us that she gets along well with everyone there, except for this one girl, Tanya. Apparently Emmett, Alice, and Jasper came to pick her up from the house one evening, and Tanya was all over the boys. Alice put Tanya in her place fairly quickly, but Rose (as much as she wanted to) couldn't do anything for poor Emmett, because she really has no claim on him.

I told her that was a bunch of bullshit. All you have to do is look in Emmett's eyes and you can see the claim Rose has on him. She giggled and shook her head. Denial.

I got kind of pissed at her for ignoring her feelings for Emmett. I told her she needs to appreciate what she could have with him if she just got the guts to tell him how she felt. She can't take Emmett for granted, because she's so lucky that he feels the same way for her. She knows he would never leave her.

Then I burst into tears because I wasn't really talking about Rose. Damn hindsight was sneaking up on me again.

Pesky little bugger.

But Rosalie seemed to understand and gave me a hug, rubbing my back and telling me it was okay. Which completely caught me off guard. She never allows physical contact, even with other girls. I suppose she really is getting better.

Rose saunters up to Emmett after they both exit the monster jeep and his jaw is about to fall out of its socket. I guess he hadn't seen what she was wearing until she got out of the car. She does look pretty amazing: tight faded jeans and a grey tube top with silver heels. I have no clue what I'm wearing until I look down at myself.

I haven't been paying much attention to my appearance lately, much to Alice's chagrin. I look plain and boring as always in ratty old jeans, a tight royal blue T-shirt, and old beat up Converse. Oh, and Edward's leather motorcycle jacket, even though it's way too big on me. I still wear it every day, to the point where it doesn't really smell like him anymore. It's depressing and comforting at the same time.

Anyways, I'll admit that this isn't my most attractive outfit. But then again, it's not like I have anyone to impress. I've lost all the weight I had gained back, and then some.

Gaunt and lifeless, just like before_ he_ came into my life. Except there are no hand shaped bruises decorating my arms or face. No abusive boyfriend waiting for me at home. No one waiting for me at home at all, actually.

Charlie's been gone for the past week at some conference or other. Who knows? We barely speak anymore unless he's telling me he won't be home for dinner. I guess he's noticed that I'm worse off than before, but he doesn't know what else to do with me. That would explain the concern and fear I see in his eyes whenever he looks at me.

Emmett holds out his hand to Rosalie, letting her choose whether to touch him or not. She grabs his hand delicately and his face lights up like she just agreed to marry him. She smiles gently and Alice hops over to me and stage whispers,

"Ohmygod Bella, did you see that? How cute are they? I just know they're going to end up together. Look how perfect they are for each other! This is so awesome!"

She then proceeds to squeal directly in my ear, causing me to cringe and hurriedly walk backwards, unknowingly right into Jasper's waiting arms. He gives me a short hug and whispers quickly,

"Cheer up Bells. We miss you, you know. Alice misses you the most. Come back to us, for her sake."

I shake my head and look innocent like I don't know what he's talking about. But I know. I know all too well. Stupid Jasper and his emotional sensitivity. He's trying to ambush me so I have no time to argue or get defensive. I sigh dejectedly and go back over to Alice, saying quietly,

"Yeah Alice, I'm so happy they're getting closer."

She nods her head up and down approximately four times; I can't keep track accurately because she's nodding too fast. The others walk into the pizza place; Emmett and Rose are pressed together and holding hands (oblivious to the outside world) and Jasper is behind them, winking at Alice discreetly. I think I know what's coming. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Pixie seems to have made a plan with Jasper to tag team me tonight. She grabs my shoulder to stop me from following the group and commences Phase Two of Operation Get- Through- to- Bella. She says quickly,

"Bella, listen-- I know you're unhappy. But I miss my friend! If there's anything you want to talk about, I'm here okay? And Jazzy and the others too. We love you, and hate seeing you so depressed. You can't let Edward affect your progress, you know? We want you to get better. Plus, how much would it suck if we all get to leave therapy and you're still stuck there alone?" She chuckles quietly and I laugh a little under my breath.

"Yeah, yeah Alice, I'll try. It's just….I just miss him so much, you know? It's….hard without him. I know you guys don't understand what all happened between us, but it was….important to me. I-I _miss_ him being here."

Now I'm trying to hold back the tears that are clouding my vision and Alice is pulling me down to her height so she can hug me properly. I'm shaking from the effort it takes not to sob out loud. I'm also angry at myself for letting her see me like this.

I force myself to chuckle through my tears and say hoarsely, "Al, we need to get inside before Jasper has a coronary. You know he can't handle you being out of his sight for more than ten minutes without assuming that you're dead and having a nervous breakdown."

Here's a tip: If you ever want to get Alice off your back so you can stop lying to her about getting better, mention Jasper. She goes all bubbly and forgets that there's anyone in the universe besides him.

She giggles her high soprano giggle and tugs on my hand, eagerly leading me inside to the table the others are seated at. Emmett is already scarfing down his own pizza, and Rose is nibbling on a salad next to him. The contrast actually has me giggling along with Alice, for the first time in a long time.

It's like I'm on autopilot. I let all my surface emotions show, so no one suspects how deeply depressed I am. It works better than I thought it would.

I can tell because Emmett's mouth (still full of chewed up pizza) is hanging open at my sudden mood change and Jasper is watching me with smugness and pride in his eyes. He thinks the mission was accomplished. They are all looking at me and I point to Emmett, indicating that I was laughing at him.

The others look over and sure enough, Emmett's mouth is working rapidly again, swallowing huge amounts of pizza without really chewing. Have you ever seen a snake eat a mouse? That's what Emmett looks like when he eats. It's revolting and hilarious at the same time.

Everyone else is cracking up now and people in the restaurant are starting to look at us like we're all crazy. Which we are. Emmett's laughter is shaking the booth and a little girl on the other side is bouncing up and down from the force of it. The girl's dad is glaring at Emmett because every once in a while, he'll laugh so hard that the kid almost slides off the seat, and the dad has to catch her before she hits the ground. This makes us all laugh even harder.

It feels good to laugh like this, even if deep down I know it's not completely authentic. I don't think I've cracked a smile in three months, let alone a genuine laugh. The rest of the night goes in pretty much the same fashion, Emmett doing stupid stuff and making the rest of us laugh.

While Alice drives me back to the parking lot, I'm remembering all the times Edward did the same thing. Images flash through my mind of the two of us singing along to various songs, doing funny dance moves and mocking each other. Things are so different now. I barely listen to music anymore; I can't bear to. The only things I do listen to are depressing, whiney songs that Edward would make fun of me for. That's probably the only reason I can stand it; because I know it's nothing he'd ever listen to. Any song he might have possibly liked, I steer clear of. Basically all of my music is off limits.

Alice drops me off at my rusty red truck and waves out the window as she drives away, smiling hugely. I wave back feeling guilty, because I know I'm getting her hopes up. She thinks I'm getting better, when I know I'm not. One night doesn't change the fact that I'm miserable.

I drive home in silence, due to the aforementioned musical dilemma. Not that my radio works anymore anyways. Edward broke it one afternoon when he got impatient and jammed the power button too hard. It's been stuck on this weird classical station ever since.

Two days after he broke it, we had been driving around with nothing to do when a song came on that made us pause to listen. It started slow and soothing, just a simple piano. Then it built and built and became this beautiful, complex melody that was stuck in both of our heads for days. It was called '_Clair de Lune' _by Claude Debussy. It became one of our favorites after that, and Edward bought it so we could listen to it in his car any time we wanted. Now it's my least favorite song in the entire world, for obvious reasons. Hindsight rears its ugly head yet again.

As these memories are flooding back, tears are flooding out. I'm driving in a haze, my vision blurred and fuzzy. I stop when I realize that I'm not on my way home anymore. I guess I took the turn to La Push without even really thinking about it. I'm parked right by the cliffs that Jake and his friends used to dive off of. At second glance, I realize that I'm actually on the higher cliffs that are too dangerous to jump from. I have no clue why I'm here.

I turn off my truck and hop out, leaving Edward's leather jacket inside. I walk slowly over to the edge of the rock face and remember when I used to be too scared to even go near the edge, afraid my clumsiness would kick in and I would fall.

Now that I'm already partially dead, that fear is overpowered by curiosity and….something else.

An idea, in the back of my mind.

An idea that is now leaving the idea stage and quickly moving into the planning stage.

A very dangerous, very beautiful idea.

I would get relief from this constant state of pain and misery. Of guilt and shame. Of love for him and hate for myself for driving him away.

I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. I wouldn't have to look at the worry in Charlie's eyes every time he looks at me. Or the pity in Miranda and the groups' eyes. Or the accusations in my own eyes every time I pass a mirror. I drove him to leave me.

'_It doesn't change anything.'_

Edward, why? Why did you go? What did I do wrong?

'_I'm sorry Bella'_

'_It still doesn't change anything'_

With his voice in my head, repeating the words that he used to shatter me, I shuffle closer and closer to the cliff's edge. I look down to see waves breaking violently over sharp rocks at the craggy cliff bottom. I hope I don't land on those.

I take a deep breath, the deepest I can handle with the gaping hole in my chest. Tears are leaking down my face in a steady stream, but I'm not sobbing or upset. It's like my body knows what I'm about to do and is sad that I'm going to kill it. But my mind is rejoicing that this torture is almost over. Edward's words repeat again, as if my brain is reminding my body why it's doing this. That is the last push I need.

I raise my arms above my head slowly and stand up on my tip toes, letting the cold wind whip my hair around wildly. I calmly say my goodbyes to everyone.

Alice, I'm sorry.

Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett, even Miranda, I'm sorry.

Renee, I'm sorry.

Charlie, I'm sorry.

Edward, I love you.

'_It doesn't change anything.'_

Goodbye.

I arch my back and stretch my arms higher, closing my eyes and jumping gracefully into nothingness without a second thought.

I'm silent on the way down and my eyes stay sealed shut. After what seems like an eternity of freefalling, I hit the water hard; the freezing temperature is painful and then quickly becomes numbing. Now my body can be numb like my mind.

I realize after a minute that I'm still alive. I barely missed the rocks, thankfully. I've always preferred to drown. It seems much less messy.

I'm getting my wish now. My limbs slowly stop attempting to swim to the surface. The tide is pulling me further away and further down, violently and inexorably. I let it take me without a fight, opening my eyes and being greeted with velvety blackness. They slowly adjust and now everything is a deep, dark, midnight blue. I watch the bubbles that my fall caused rise to the surface as my lungs start to feel the need for air.

All of my senses are useless except for sight-- the view down here is beautiful. This was a good choice. I'm peacefully suspended in the water, not moving. It's quiet; I can't hear the waves anymore. I can't even feel my own heartbeat-- I might as well be dead already. I feel nothing but my lungs burning.

I use this time to come to terms with what is about to happen. I'm going to die down here, at the bottom of this deceptively tranquil, murky ocean.

Eventually, my bodily reaction will be to gasp for air, even though my mind knows that doing so will not give me what I crave.

Instead I will choke on the black sea water, letting it fill my lungs and suffocate me. My consciousness will slip when my brain doesn't get any oxygen, and I will slowly die.

My body will wash up on shore unrecognizable, because although I escaped the rocks on my way down, the tide will shift and push my corpse right into their waiting arms.

Or maybe my broken body will be found by some fishermen tomorrow, all swollen and chewed up by fish.

Either way, this is the end. The end of everything. I find that I don't mind at all.

Another few seconds and I won't be able to take the ache in my lungs any longer.

'_It doesn't change anything.'_

Goodbye Edward_._

'_I'm sorry.'_

I'm sorry too.

I love you_._

I wish you could say it back.

**Playlist: Lifehouse**_**- Storm**_**, Brand New- **_**Play Crack the Sky**_**, Death Cab for Cutie- **_**Transatlanticism**_**, Mazzy Star- **_**Into Dust**_

_**Please Review!**_


	13. Lie In the Sound

**Hey people! Thanks to **_**everyone**_** who reviewed the last chapter. I got the most I ever have for one chapter! It's good to hear what you're thinking, just to get a feeling for what you want more of and what you dislike. Read and enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the characters, not me. So there.**

_**Chapter Thirteen**_

_**Lie In the Sound**_

_**I love you more than I should  
So much more than is good for me  
More than is good**_

Oh the timing is cruel  
Oh I need and don't want to need  
More than I should

I am falling  
Say my name  
And I'll lie in the sound  
What is love but whatever  
My heart needs around

Oh my sheet is so thin  
So I say I can't sleep because  
It's so very cold

But I know what I need  
And if you were just near to me  
Would you go...

I am falling  
Say my name  
And I'll lie in the sound  
What is love  
But whatever  
My heart needs around

I am falling  
Say my name  
And I'll lie in the sound  
What is love  
But whatever  
My heart needs around

And it needs you  
Too much  
_**Now.**_

Bright lights. Well, the movies got that right at least. All I can see are bright lights through my eyelids, and all I can hear is this obnoxious beeping noise and soft murmurs in the background. Wait, aren't the white lights only for people going to heaven? I thought all suicides went to hell. All I know is that I'm extremely uncomfortable. Something is scratching against my skin and I try to open my eyes to see what it is, but my eyelids are too heavy. Then I faintly hear voices, but they're slightly distorted.

"Shhh, I think she's waking up!"

"No she's not. Back up Emmett, I can't see!"

"Yeah she is you guys! Look, her eye is twitching. Man, I've never seen someone's eyelid twitch like that. Maybe she's about to have a seizure!"

"Emmett! She is not having a seizure. Now I told you to move your fat head, I want to see her!"

"Ouch! Jasper, control your demon pixie girlfriend! She bit me really hard! I think I have rabies!"

"Shut up, both of you. If Bella is awake, I doubt the first thing she wants to see is your ugly mug, Emmett."

"Rosie, I thought you liked my ugly mug."

Feminine giggles. "Emmett, you know I think your ugly mug is cute."

More feminine giggles.

"Dude Emmett, you giggle like a girl."

"I do not! Whatever Jasper, you're just jealous that I can actually be eye level with _my_ girlfriend."

"God, both of you! Shut up! I think Emmett was right, Bella is totally awake. Bella, can you hear me?"

I'm confused, and I get the feeling that I'm not actually dead. But that's impossible. I squint and then pry my eyes open fully to see four people crowded around the hospital bed I'm lying in. So that's why I feel so uncomfortable. You'd think that, considering how many times I've been in the hospital, I would have realized it sooner.

I guess that means I'm really not dead. I feel a slight hint of relief that I'm not in hell, but mostly disappointment that I can't even commit suicide without failing. Great.

I try to speak but my voice is really scratchy and hoarse. All I can ask is, "Water?"

Alice bounces over to a side table and comes back holding a glass. She tries to hand it to me, but when I try to move my hand, it only gets about six inches off the bed before I have to drop it. It's too heavy to lift.

Alice rolls her eyes, "Well, that's what you get for scaring us like that."

And with that, she holds the glass up to my lips for me. I take huge gulps of it like I haven't had a drink in years. My throat still throbs and my eyes feel kind of swollen. My whole body aches and my joints feel stiff. I probably look like crap.

Alice sets the glass back on the table and turns to me with a pained expression. Here it comes. But I have a few questions first.

I whisper softly, "How did I get here? How long have I been in the hospital? When can I leave?"

"Whoa, one thing at a time. First question: Some guy from La Push saw you jump and went in after you. He towed you to shore and brought you here. Everyone had been out looking for you when you didn't come home and the last thing they did was check the hospitals. You've been here for three days because you were in a coma. You can't leave any time soon, because you're under suicide watch. Which brings me to the question: How could you? Why would you do that to us? To your family?"

I sigh, but it comes out hoarse and broken, "I don't know. I just wanted it to be over. Who is the guy that saved me? Is he okay? Are my parents here? What time is it? How long have you guys been here?"

The entire group sighs this time. Rosalie bends down and gives me a relieved hug, tears leaking out of her blue eyes, but I'm too weak to hug her back.

"Bella, why would you try and leave us like that? I missed you and you were only in a coma for three days! I can't even imagine how it would feel if you had actually died. Your parents are both here, and they are really freaked out. Your mom couldn't stop crying. We've all been taking turns visiting you."

Seeing Rose cry is heartbreaking. Even when telling the story of her rape, she didn't cry. It's unbelievable that she would cry over something like this. I feel immensely guilty, which causes me to start crying. Pretty soon, Alice is joining our hug and bawling with us. I can't stop the tears; it's like a release. I guess I'm not completely empty after all.

I look over Rosalie and Alice's shoulders to see Jasper and Emmett standing there awkwardly with their heads down. I weakly reach out to both of them and whisper,

"Aw you guys, come here."

They rush over to our little group hug and join in, Emmett unsuccessfully attempting to muffle his sniffles. I didn't realize that this would affect them all so much. My guilt increases when it hits me how selfish I'd been. But that doesn't make the desperate pain, that horrible feeling of powerlessness, go away. I still miss Edward, and the fact that he's not here holding me is just magnified when we're all together like this. I need him.

Then a memory strikes me and I whisper- shout,

"Wait a minute. Did Emmett just call Rosalie his _girlfriend_?! When did that happen?"

Emmett and Rose look at each other and grin back at me. Emmett speaks up (no surprise there),

"Yeah! I asked Rosie the first day we visited you in the hospital! She was really upset about you and um….everything. And I hated to see her like that; I just wanted to make her feel better. So I finally got the balls to ask her out, and she said yes! I guess I owe you one Bells, cuz if it wasn't for you going all kamikaze, we never would have gotten together!"

Everyone looks at me like they're waiting for me to start crying all over again at Emmett's little declaration, but I just start laughing. Really, truly laughing. Rosalie deserves to be happy, and I only feel a small prick of envy this time. I know she and Emmett belong together, and they need each other. Who am I to begrudge them their happiness? At least one good thing came out of my little stunt.

Suddenly the door bangs open and I hear a shriek,

"Charlie she's awake! Oh my god, Bella's awake!"

I sigh brokenly and pull away from my friends as my mother runs over and crushes me to her, sobbing.

"Bella, oh my baby! I was so worried! Are you okay? Do you need anything? Can I get you anything?"

I don't let the fact that Renee seems happy fool me. I know she's going to be furious in about three….two….

"Isabella Marie Swan! How could you do that? What were you thinking? No, you weren't thinking! Why would you ever even try something like that?! Oh my god!"

"Renee, calm down. Give her some breathing room. She's still weak; you can't manhandle her like that."

Charlie walks into the room and after he has calmed Renee a little, he turns to me with a stern expression,

"Bells. How are you feeling? I guess that's a stupid question, I mean you did _jump off a cliff!! _Bella! _How _could you be so _stupid_? Didn't you _think_ about what this would do to your mother and me? You would have left behind all the people who love you!"

No. I would have left behind the one person who _doesn't_ love me. But I can't tell them that.

I look down sheepishly, but inside I still feel a little defiant. I mean, Charlie is never around! He barely talks to me, but now he's all self-righteous like he would be truly hurt if I died. And Renee is too wrapped up in Phil to even notice me. Like she would care if I was dead. I want to tell them both to back off.

Then the guilt hits me again, only ten times harder. How could I think my father wouldn't care about me? Of course he does, he just works a lot. It's not his fault. And my mother just remarried; she's bound to be preoccupied. I know they both care about me.

"It was kind of a last minute decision. I didn't really think it through, I guess. I'm sorry I worried you all so much."

That bit about not thinking it through is a lie, but they don't need to know that. It will just worry them more, and make them even angrier. The last thing I need is to have my every move watched from now on. How annoying would that be?

After my little apology, a young blonde doctor knocks on the door and smiles serenely. The atmosphere is still tense after Charlie yelled at me, but the doctor's entrance calms everyone back down. He strolls in with a clipboard at his side.

"Hello Bella, it's nice to see you awake. How are you feeling? Any pains in your limbs or throat? I'm sure you feel a little out of it; that is because of all the pain medication we've had you on to keep you in a medically-induced coma. You gave us all quite a scare! For a while there we weren't sure you were going to make it. You had the worst case of hypothermia I've ever seen, and you were unconscious due to lack of oxygen. Mr. Uley got to you just in time. A couple more minutes and you would likely have suffered permanent brain damage. As it stands, you don't seem to have any memory loss, so it's fair to assume that you will make a full recovery."

"Wait, did you say Mr. Uley? Is Sam the one that saved me?"

Charlie answers for the doctor, "Yeah Bells, he and Emily had been up on the cliffs and saw you….ah, jump. He jumped in after you and brought you to shore! Can you believe it? You owe that boy your life."

This is all a lot to take in, to say the least. One of Jacob's friends saved me? And Emily is Leah Clearwater's cousin. I thought for sure they both wouldn't mind too much if I died-- I guess I underestimated them. Wow. Sam Uley saved my life.

He's always been on the fringe of Jake's group, so I never really got to know him very well. He's older than Jacob and his friends, and much more serious. I suppose I shouldn't be so surprised that he would be a good guy. Oh my god, does that mean Jake knows I jumped too? I bet everyone in town knows by now. Wonderful.

I turn my attention back to the hot doctor, just now realizing that I have no idea what his name is.

"Um, yeah I definitely owe Sam. Uh, I'm sorry, but what did you say your name was, doctor?"

He looks sheepish, "Oh, I beg your pardon! I can't believe I was so rude as to not introduce myself! It's just that I feel I already know you, after all I've heard from E—uh….everyone. Ah, I'm Dr. Cullen, but you can call me Carlisle."

No. No. NO.

Dr. Cullen.

Carlisle Cullen.

Dr. Carlisle _Cullen._

As in, Edward Cullen's father, _Carlisle Cullen_.

What. The. Fuck.

I literally cannot escape thoughts of Edward. No matter where I go or what I do, he's there, haunting me. More like taunting me, actually. Life can't be this cruel.

Dr. Cullen said he's heard so much about me from….everyone. He hesitated for a second, like he was going to say something else. Like he was going to say that he's heard so much about me from _Edward._ Edward talked about me to his parents? He never told me much about his home life after he explained his childhood. I only know that he was adopted by a young doctor and his wife, and that they treat him as if he were their own son. And that their last name is Cullen.

What a sick coincidence this is. Fucking karma, for trying to kill myself. Somebody up there is enjoying this. Enjoying torturing me.

"Oh…um…okay…"

I'm stuttering and when I look over at my friends, they're all giving me a knowing look. They knew it was Edward's father and didn't warn me? Some friends they are.

Well, I guess they didn't really have much time to warn me, considering we had about five minutes to ourselves before Renee barged in, screaming like a banshee. I just keep wanting to lay the blame on other people. It happened-- there's no avoiding it. But even though I'm not completely ready to face the consequences for what I've done, I can't say I regret it. I'm too selfish, not to mention confused and frustrated. I was wholly prepared to face the consequences of my death, but I have no clue how to deal with the fact that I'm alive and everyone's mad at me.

In an effort to shake these thoughts, I examine Dr. Cullen. I look at him in a new light now that I know he's Edward's father. I thought he was incredibly good looking when I first saw him, but now that I'm comparing him to Edward, there's no competition. Edward will always be the most….strangely…._beautiful_ guy I've ever seen. He truly is gorgeous. No wonder I have no chance with him.

As these thoughts spin around and around in my mind, I feel my eyes getting heavier. Suddenly I'm beginning to feel the effects of the jump, and my strength is practically nonexistent. My head falls back onto the pillows and before I slip off into sleep, I dimly hear,

"Okay, everyone out. Bella needs to rest and give her body a chance to recover. She would be able to go home tomorrow, but we have to keep her under suicide watch for the next 72 hours. I'm sorry."

**xxxxxxxxxxx**

_I'm on the cliffs where I jumped. It's raining, the wind is blowing fiercely, and I'm just sitting on the edge with my feet dangling off. The rain has soaked my clothes but I don't feel the cold. Then suddenly, someone sits down next to me, dangling their feet off as well. I turn, already knowing who it is by the electricity than runs through my body whenever he's near. _

_Edward takes my hand in his and leans down to whisper in my ear, _

"_Hey Jingle Bells. What are you doing up here?"_

_I smile at him and lean into his body to answer, _

"_I'm waiting for you. Where have you been?"_

_He chuckles, _

"_Silly Bella. You're going to catch a cold up here. Where's the jacket I left for you?"_

_I frown. I knew something was missing._

"_I don't know what happened to it. I'm so sorry I lost it Edward."_

_He shakes his head and puts his arm around me, _

"_Don't worry about it. I missed you, you know."_

_I look up into his emerald eyes and see that he's telling the truth. He really did miss me._

"_I missed you too, more than you know. Why did you leave like that? Don't you love me?"_

"_You know I had to go. I told you that you deserve better than me."_

"_I thought you were just saying that. I thought you didn't want me."_

_He looks inexplicably angry,_

"_That's crazy. I'll always want you, forever. You really don't see yourself clearly."_

_My answering smile is radiant and genuine,_

"_You love me?"_

_His anger fades quickly and he grins back, sincerity and truth in his eyes,_

"_Of course I love you, silly girl. I've always loved you. And I always will, forever."_

_We sit up on those cliffs together, and it's just like before he left. Except this is a thousand times better. Because he loves me._

**xxxxxxxxxxx**

I wake up the next morning and feel empty again, because it was all a dream. But then I feel a familiar leather jacket wrapped around my body, and hope blooms in my chest. I open my eyes and the hope dies quickly, because he's not here. He's not coming back. Instead of Edward, I find Alice sitting by my bed, looking at me with worried eyes.

"Hey, are you okay?"

I summon my strength and struggle to sit up. With Alice's help, I'm able to at least lean against the pillows in a sitting position, but I still can't hold my own weight.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Why?"

She looks at me and knows I'm lying. She shakes her head,

"Bella, you're not fine. You were calling out his name in your sleep. I went to your house while you were sleeping to find his jacket. I thought maybe it would help."

I sigh, "No, I'm not fine. But thanks for getting the jacket. It does help. I won't be fine for a while, but thanks for being here. It means a lot. I thought you guys would hate me after what I did."

Alice laughs without a trace of humor, "We couldn't hate you, or we would have to hate Jasper too. Or did you forget you're not the only one to ever attempt suicide? Jazz really understands how you're feeling, you know. You can talk to him any time; he wants to help. We all do-- we love you Bella. And that's why we'll be here to kick your ass if you _ever_ do anything like this again. Okay?"

I chuckle and nod slowly, still getting used to moving my stiff body, "Yeah I get it. I love you guys too. I don't think I regret trying, but I won't do it again. I won't disappoint you all anymore."

She reaches over and hugs me gently, "Good. Well, now that that's all settled, we talked to Dr. Cullen."

I wince at his name and she pretends not to notice.

"He said if we got you to promise not to try again, he could pull some strings and get you out of here tomorrow. Then you can go home and rest up, because once you get your strength back, we're going shopping! Those baggy, depressing clothes are not cutting it missy. You need to wake up from your haze and get back to the land of the living. And the best way to do that is to look your best! I'm so excited! I haven't been shopping in _days_ because we've been here all the time. And plus, Rose wouldn't come with me. I think your little stunt really freaked her out. You guys are the closest, and she trusts you the most. She was seriously scared that you would die and leave her without anyone to confide in. You need to talk to her."

What Alice said is right. I knew this would hurt her and Rose the most. At the time, I was too wrapped up in my depression to really care all that much, but what I promised Alice is true. I won't try it again. I think, as long as I have the group to help me, I can handle this. Right now I'm not sure, but I hope I can. I feel too guilty to do it again. But I'm going to suffer for making that promise. Because I still _want_ to be selfish and end it all. I just _can't_ do that to them. Damn them for caring so much.

I sigh deeply and make an effort to be grateful that Alice is trying so hard to cheer me up, "I know. Is Rose here?"

Alice smiles, probably because she got her way, "Yep! I'll send her right in!"

She gives me one more soft hug and dances out of the room. It's quiet without her rapid chatter. I take these few minutes to wrap Edward's jacket tighter around me and pull it up to my nose. I can barely smell him on it still. The scent comforts me like nothing else can. The door opens silently and Rosalie gracefully makes her way to the chair Alice just vacated. She smiles at me cautiously and takes my limp hand in hers.

"Hey Bells. How are you feeling? Do you need anything?"

"No Rose, I'm fine. How are you doing?"

I know this small talk is going to end pretty soon. If I know Rose as well as I think I do, her temper is about to explode, and I'm going to bear the brunt of her anger.

She gives a small smile and shrugs, "I'm okay, I guess. I'm happy that Emmett and I are finally together. I wish you had been there to see it."

Her voice raises, "But what I really wish is that you hadn't jumped off that damn cliff! How could you Bella? How?"

I sigh for the millionth time today, "Rose, I know you're mad at me. I'm sorry for not thinking about how it would affect you. But you know how miserable I've been. You can't honestly tell me you weren't expecting it."

She shakes her head, "I really wasn't. I thought you were stronger than that. You put up with an abusive boyfriend for over a year, but you can't handle Edward being gone for three months?"

I wince at her tone, "You know how much he meant to me, Rose. When he left, I felt unwanted and hurt. I felt like I could never be happy again. I still feel that way. I need him, and I thought he needed me. But I wasn't good enough, so he left me. How would you feel if Emmett did that to you?"

Rose looks on the verge of tears again, "Bella, how could you think that? He loves you, we all could see it. He does need you; don't you remember how much he changed when you guys became friends? He was a better, more contented person because of you. But he still has issues, and he needs more help than you can give him. That's not your fault. Trust me, he didn't leave because he doesn't want you. He left because he needs help and he doesn't want to hold you back. You deserve someone who can take care of you and love you, and he can't do that if he's addicted to coke. So he went to get better. You should be proud that you made him want to quit, you know?"

I'm shaking my head, because she's just telling me things that I already know are not true. Edward doesn't love me.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore. Let's talk about you and Emmett. How did he ask you to be his girlfriend?"

She looks at me with a pleading expression, "Bella, stop it. Stop trying to change the subject. I can tell that you don't believe me, but it's true. Edward loves you, and he'll come back. I know he will. He's just as stubborn as you are, remember? I need you to promise me that you won't leave me. Promise you won't attempt suicide again, because I know he's coming back. You can't die when there's a chance that I'm right. Even if you think there's a small chance that he'll return, you have to promise you won't. "

I roll my eyes, "I already promised Alice."

It's her turn to roll her eyes now, "I know that, stupid. I'm asking you to promise _me._"

I look down at my hands, "Alright Rose. I solemnly swear that I will not try to kill myself again."

She grabs me into a fierce hug, "Good. I love you Bella, and I need you here with me. I just want you to be happy."

I hug her back with as much strength as I can, which isn't saying much.

"I love you too, Rose. I'm glad that you and Emmett can finally be together. Who'd have thought that when we started therapy, everyone would end up coupled off, huh?" _Well, except for me._

We laugh and she tells me all about how Emmett finally asked her to be his. Apparently, he got down on one knee in the waiting room of the hospital, and made a huge scene when she said yes, picking her up and shouting to all the nurses that he'd landed the most beautiful girl in the world.

As she's telling me all this, her eyes shine with love and adoration, and I feel that prick of envy again. A small one, but still there. I suspect that as long as I keep having dreams of Edward, I'm going to be feeling that way. But I wouldn't stop the dreams for anything, because when I'm in them, I'm the happiest I could possibly be.

**Playlist: Trespassers William- **_**Lie In the Sound**_**, Ivy- **_**Edge of the Ocean**_**, The Dandy Warhols- **_**Sleep**_


	14. You Could Be Happy

**Hey faithful readers! Thanks for putting up with so much emo-Bella-ness lol. I think you're going to like the end of this one. So read on, enjoy, and then review!**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the characters. I play around with them. Also, I keep forgetting to mention that I borrowed the phrase "crouching tiger, hidden pixie" two chapters ago from **_**teamedward23. **_**Thank you!**

_**Chapter Fourteen**_

_**You Could Be Happy**_

_**You could be happy and I won't know  
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go**_

And all the things that I wished I had not said  
Are played on loops 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were?  
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure  
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are  
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you  
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to  
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you go  
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

The next afternoon I'm finally released from the hospital. I've never been more ready to leave any place, ever, in my entire life. Mostly because seeing Carlisle is just too awkward. Luckily, I was able to avoid an excess of weirdness by pretending to be asleep every time he came to check on me.

Anyways, even though I'm out of the hospital, I'm still pretty much immobile. So Rose and Alice are going to have to take turns helping me take care of all those stupid human necessities, such as peeing and bathing. Who _really _needs to do either of those things anyways?

Overall, I would say that I'm feeling annoyed and grateful at the same time. Annoyed for obvious reasons, and grateful to my friends for being so understanding. I'm extremely thankful that Charlie has adopted a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. I think it scares him that his kid jumped off a cliff, but he's even more freaked out at the possibility of actually having to talk about it.

Renee left early this morning, so I don't have to deal with her fussing anymore, thank god. Also, I'm grateful that because of my aforementioned immobility, I don't have to go to therapy sessions until I'm back on my feet. No Miranda to deal with? Yeah, I'd say I have a lot to be grateful for.

I'm sitting in the living room curled up in Edward's leather jacket, as I have been for the past three hours since I got home, when the doorbell rings. I suspect that a mob of Forkians have been creeping around my house, waiting for me to come back from the hospital so they can satiate their morbid curiosity.

The chief's troubled teen daughter trying to off herself? I bet you a hundred bucks that was the headline of today's issue of _The Forks Daily,_ or whatever they call the pathetic excuse for a newspaper they have in this miniscule town.

Obviously I'm in no condition to get up and answer the door, and Charlie went to work for a few hours, so I'm pretty much out of options. I just yell as loud as my still hoarse voice will allow,

"Come in! It's open!"

I figure that the odds of it being a psycho killer are rather slim. Besides, what kind of amateur killer would stop to knock before they murdered me? I hear hesitant, shuffling footsteps and lean my head up on the couch to get a look at whoever it is. And I'm confused on how I should feel when I see that it's Sam Uley.

I give a weak smile and beckon him over, saying bluntly,

"Hello Sam. I was definitely not expecting you. Um, have a seat."

This is going to be a strange conversation, to say the least. What do you say to the man who risked his life to save you, when you didn't even want to be saved in the first place? He ambles over to Charlie's recliner and smiles back at me awkwardly. He starts in a quiet, polite voice,

"Thanks Bella. How are you feeling?"

I appreciate his attempt at normalcy.

"I'm doing fine, thanks for asking. How are you? You weren't hurt when you, ah….jumped, were you?"

Apparently, I don't know how to be normal. I just dive right in (no pun intended).

He chuckles and shakes his head slowly,

"No Bella, I've jumped off those cliffs quite a few times over the years. I wasn't in any danger. I can't say the same for you though, I suppose."

I look down at my hands and reply softly,

"No, I suppose you can't. I'm sorry you felt the need to jump in after me. I didn't particularly want to be rescued. Not that I'm not grateful, I mean. I-I….yeah….I guess that was my bumbling way of saying thank you. Thank you for saving my life."

That last line is said half-heartedly, and he laughs loudly,

"No problem. I was up there with Emily when she all the sudden started freaking out, and I looked over just in time to see you leap. It was mostly instinct to go after you. But I hope I won't need to do it again. That water was pretty damn cold."

I laugh softly along with him and realize that Sam really is a good guy. Here I am, basically telling him that I wish I had died, and he's cool enough to joke about it with me. He doesn't seem all overly concerned, and he's not pressing me for details, but he gets his point across just the same. I like him; his strange sense of humor reminds me of Edward.

I visibly wince at Edward's name popping up unexpectedly, and Sam notices. He puts his hand on my shoulder in a surprisingly brotherly fashion and says calmly,

"If you don't want to tell me, I understand, but I have to ask. Why did you do it?"

Ah, the million dollar question. I guess I should get used to it, because when school starts up again I'm sure everyone is going to be asking me that. I decide to give him a fairly simple and truthful answer.

I sigh heavily and look up into his intelligent dark brown eyes,

"That's sort of a complicated question. There were a few reasons I did it, but mainly I was just depressed. But I've since promised a lot of people that I wouldn't take any more 'drastic measures', so no worries-- you won't need to be saving me again anytime soon."

I chuckle humorlessly, but his face stays thoughtful,

"I see. Well, I thought it might have had something to do with Jacob Black. I'd seen you around with him pretty often, but lately he's been with Leah Clearwater 24/7. I thought maybe you guys had a messy break up or something."

He's pretty perceptive, and normally I would be annoyed by this fact. But for some reason, his prying doesn't bother me. It feels good to be talking to a relative stranger about this. Someone who doesn't know anything about the situation and won't smother me with questions or presumptions. I guess I feel like Sam won't judge me. I nod quickly, thinking that it will be better to just tell him all of it.

"Yeah, Jake was the start of it. We had a….dysfunctional relationship, to say the least. He treated me badly, and I was too forgiving to leave him. But I met someone else, who helped me see how messed up I was. So I dumped Jake, and from what you said, he hooked up with Leah right afterwards. Well actually, he had cheated on me with her quite often, so I'm not surprised they're together now. I'd been having a rough time after Jake and I broke up, and that same friend helped me through it. But then he left, and I just sort of….lost it. I gave up, basically."

He nods understandably and gently pats my shoulder in a comforting gesture,

"I know how you feel. After Leah and I broke up, Emily helped me through it. And after Emily was attacked by a bear last fall, I helped her. We've been inseparable ever since, and I don't know what I'd do if she left me. So I get where you're coming from, and I'm not going to overstep my boundaries by attempting to give you advice. I just want you to know that Emily and I are here, if you want to talk. And there are a lot of people who care about you. So I hope you don't do anything…'drastic', as you put it."

I smile at him in thanks and lean over to shake his hand. We bonded so quickly that it's hard to believe I basically just met him. Maybe it's a victim/rescuer thing? Not that I'd call myself a victim, since it was my own doing, but you know what I mean. I'm finally starting to be a little appreciative that he jumped in after me. For the first time, I'm sort of glad that I didn't die.

He smiles back and pulls me in for a light hug. I'm surprised and pleased that I'm not feeling uncomfortable with this random guy hugging me. I usually don't appreciate unnecessary touching, unless it's Edward of course.

We stay like that for a few seconds, until I hear a throat clear. We both look up and I almost have a heart attack when I look over Sam's shoulder to find Jasper and Emmett standing in the doorway. Did I mention the intimidating, protective looks they're both sending in Sam's direction? I chuckle nervously, because I know what they're thinking. I lean back onto my makeshift bed and break the threatening silence,

"Uh…hey guys. This is Sam Uley. He's the one who saved me when I-- er, you know….jumped."

Both boys wince at the mention of my jump, but I'm happy to see that the intimidating looks are replaced with awe and admiration. They practically run over to poor Sam, and Emmett pulls him into a weird…man hug. After about a minute, Jasper is still thanking Sam profusely and Emmett is finally loosening his bear hold.

Sam laughs and looks over at me like, _'are they always like this?'_ and all I can do is glance fondly over at Jasper and Emmett and nod at Sam as if to say, _'yeah, but you gotta love them'._

He laughs again and comes back over to me to give me one more brief hug,

"Remember what I said. We'd be happy to have you any time."

I grin back, "Thanks Sam. Really, thank you. I'll see you around."

As Sam heads out the door, Jasper and Emmett come over and try squeeze onto my tiny couch/bed, nearly crushing my already crippled legs. But I can't tell them that, because they look so excited to see me. I'll just suck it up, I suppose.

Emmett cracks a grin so big his dimples show, and Jasper reaches over to mess up my hair. They really are like my annoying older brothers.

Jasper says, "Hey Bells. How's our little patient doing?"

Emmett says, "Dude, if she's your patient, shouldn't you be wearing a nurse's costume?" and then proceeds to laugh at his own joke. Or perhaps he's laughing at the mental image the joke conjured up.

Jasper rolls his eyes and says mischievously, "No, I usually reserve the nurse costumes for Alice."

Emmett abruptly stops laughing and starts covering his eyes, like Alice popped out of thin air and is now standing in front of him in a naughty nurse outfit.

I chime in, "Sorry Emmett, I don't think covering your eyes is going to burn that image out of your brain."

It's funny how easy it is to slip into a joking pattern with them, considering the serious talk I_ just_ had with Sam. It feels good to be lighthearted right now. And unlike the night I jumped, my smiles are a little more genuine. I'm not relying on autopilot as much anymore.

Emmett groans, "Why god? Why? She's like my little sister! Okay, I know how to fix this. I'll just picture Rose in the outfit instead! Hah! Yes, that definitely worked…"

There's a dreamy silence on Emmett's part for a few seconds, until I realize what he's doing on MY couch.

"Eww Emmett, don't think dirty thoughts on my couch! I have to sleep here, you know! Ugh, now I have to have this thing fumigated, or sanitized, or whatever you call it. I'm telling Rose you said that!"

He looks panicked, "No Bells! You can't do that to me! She'll freak out and think I'm some kind of perv or something! Please Bella, I'll never think dirty thoughts anywhere near this couch ever again."

I give him a stern look and he holds his hands up,

"Okay, okay. I'll never think dirty thoughts anywhere near this _house_ ever again. Happy?"

I grin smugly, "Very. So what brings you guys here anyways? You do know that I'm not letting either of you help me in the shower, right?"

Emmett groans again, "Bellaaaa! I was just getting over the Alice image, and then you had to go and bring that up?"

I give him a fake offended look, "Are you saying you think I'm unattractive? That's really mean. I'm crushed."

He shakes his curly head and laughs, "You're a terrible actress. And you know you're beautiful. But you and Alice are my beautiful little _sisters_, whereas Rose is….just…._amazing. _And definitely NOT my sister."

My offended face softens at the complete devotion I see in Emmett's twinkling eyes. Rosalie really is amazing, and I'm so thankful that she found someone who will appreciate and worship her, the way she deserves. I look over to see Jasper in a similar state as Emmett, no doubt thinking of Alice. And once again, I'm the one left out.

I sigh dramatically to bring them out of their stupors and ask again, "No seriously. Not that I'm not glad to see you both, but why are you here? How come the girls aren't with you?"

Jasper is the first to break out of his Alice-induced haze and replies, "Rosalie and Alice thought it would be a good idea if I came to talk to you. You know, since we sort of have something in common now."

"It's a hell of a thing to have in common."

We both chuckle and he continues, "Yeah, no kidding. Anyways, when I told Emmett I was coming over here, he whined like a two year old until I said he could come too."

We look over at Emmett who is grinning sheepishly. I ruffle his hair and reply,

"Well, it's good to see you _both_. I'm glad you came."

Jasper clears his throat and I immediately know the funny banter is over. Here comes the heart to heart. Wonderful.

I guess I shouldn't be so sarcastic, I know they're trying to help. And Sam's talk helped a little; who's to say Jasper's won't? I'm just too cynical these days, to the point where I don't even notice that I'm doing it anymore. It just pours out. Probably some sort of convoluted defense mechanism or something.

"Okay Bella. You know why I'm here, and I know you don't want to talk about this. But trust me, I honestly know what you're going through. You feel disappointed and relieved at the same time. You are angry at Sam for saving you, and angry at yourself for not dying like you wanted to. Am I close?"

My mouth is gaping, because he truly has me all figured out, right off the bat. Am I that transparent? I just nod dumbly, in awe at his ability to put all my feelings into words so simply, when I've been struggling to do so since I woke up.

He continues, "I thought so. What went through your mind right before you jumped? Right before I started swallowing pills, I was just thinking that it was a good way to go. That it would be like I was falling asleep, and I would never have to wake up. I felt like I was ready to die. Is that sort of how you felt?"

Again, I nod dumbly, but add, "Um, yeah, pretty much. I was looking around as I was sinking to the bottom, thinking about what would happen to my body. I was thinking that I was perfectly alright with ending everything right then and there. I was…at peace with it. So you can imagine my shock and disappointment when I realized I had failed. I was pissed that I couldn't do anything right, even kill myself."

Emmett is watching this entire exchange with a look of pain on his face, and after my last confession, he grabs me and Jasper into a tiny group hug. He's really into hugs, in case you didn't figure that out yet. In fact, this whole day has been one big hug-fest. It's starting to get sickening.

I pull away, signaling Emmett and Jasper to do the same. Jasper continues like nothing happened,

"Bella, I know you're not going to get over this for a long time, but believe me; it gets so much better. I know this sounds stupid and cheesy, but when I met Alice, I was so grateful that I didn't die. It hurts to see you in the same place that I was in a few months ago. I really want to help you, but I can only do so much. I don't know a lot about your relationship with Edward, but I did see how close you guys were. I understand that his leaving was hard on you. But you have so many other things in your life besides Edward. And think about it: how would he feel if he found out that you tried to kill yourself because of him? He would never be able to forgive himself. I know he really likes you-- maybe even loves you. The way you both looked at each other….it was intense. I don't think that he would leave because he didn't want you anymore. I seriously think he'll come back. And you need to be here when he does."

Wow. I think he and Rose compared notes or something. She said almost the exact same thing to me yesterday. Talk about déjà vu. At least I was prepared for it today, and there are no embarrassing tears. Well, not coming from me. Emmett is once again trying to disguise his sniffles as coughs.

I look into Jasper's clear blue eyes and see that he's being sincere. He really does think Edward is coming back. But I refuse to let myself hope, until I hear it from Edward himself. Even so, I have to thank Jasper for talking to me about his suicide attempt. I know he doesn't like to talk about it either. It's not exactly the most joyous of topics. Fortunately, this is where Emmett comes in.

"Okay, enough of this girly crap. Come on Jasper, we need to go do some manly things….chop wood…barbeque something…go fix something with a power saw…"

Jasper and I look at each other and try not to break into hysterical laughter at Emmett's definition of 'manly things'. The look of pure concentration on Emmett's face as he continues his rant is enough to make me lose it. We all have to lean on each other for support, because even Emmett is laughing at himself now.

After a few more minutes of poking fun at Emmett, and a few sincere thanks, Jasper and Emmett finally leave me in peace. I have kind of a lot to mull over. It's good to know that Jasper really does know _exactly _how I'm feeling. It….comforts me, I guess.

After about an hour of mind numbing television viewing (what is up with reality TV these days?) I hear the doorbell ring _again_. You've got to be kidding me. I obviously still can't get up, so I must resort back to calling out,

"Come in! It's open!"

I hear footsteps approach the entrance to the living room and I start to turn my head to see who it is this time. But an achingly familiar velvet voice makes me freeze completely.

"You know, you really shouldn't let just anyone into your house like that. I could be a psycho killer or something. But on second thought, what kind of amateur killer would stop to knock before he murdered you?"

Oh. My. God.

**Playlist: Snow Patrol- **_**You Could Be Happy**_**, The Motorhomes- **_**Into the Night**_**, Annuals- **_**Fair**_**, Space Needle- **_**Never Lonely Alone**_

_**Gah! How many of you liked the second Twilight movie teaser trailer? I liked most of it, but some parts were just too cheesy. Like the shot of them bumping hands in the car…so stupid and unnatural! And James overacts like nobody's business lol. Other than that, I really liked it. But I love pretty much anything concerning Twilight, so I'm not a very good judge lol. Please review and let me know what you thought!**_


	15. A Message

**Holy crap you guys! I got so many reviews within hours of posting the last chapter. I wasn't planning on updating until Monday at the earliest, but so many of you were begging me to update soon. I just couldn't say no! So here's to everyone who reviewed—Thank you so much! Now read on and enjoy some ExB goodness.**

_**Chapter Fifteen**_

_**A Message**_

_**My song is love  
Love to the loveless shown  
And it goes on  
You don't have to be alone**_

Your heavy heart  
Is made of stone  
And it's so hard to see you clearly  
You don't have to be on your own  
You don't have to be on your own

And I'm not gonna take it back  
And I'm not gonna say I don't mean that  
You're the target that I'm aiming at  
Can I get that message home?

My song is love  
My song is love unknown,  
But I'm on fire for you, clearly  
You don't have to be alone  
You don't have to be on your own

And I'm not gonna take it back  
And I'm not gonna say I don't mean that  
You're the target that I'm aiming at  
And I'm nothing on my own  
Got to get that message home

And I'm not gonna stand and wait  
I'm not gonna leave it until it's much too late  
On a platform, I'm gonna stand and say  
That I'm nothing on my own  
And I love you, please come home

My song is love, is love unknown?  
And I've got to get that message home.

"You know, you really shouldn't let just anyone into your house like that. I could be a psycho killer or something. But on second thought, what kind of amateur killer would stop to knock before he murdered you?"

Oh. My. God.

I turn my head around so fast I'm pretty sure I give myself whiplash. I think I'm dreaming.

He walks towards me with his usual swagger and gracefully seats himself on the recliner opposite me, where Sam had been sitting just a couple of hours ago.

Yeah, this is definitely a dream. One of the best dreams I've ever had. But then again, I can _feel_ that electricity running through my body. I can feel it like he's really here.

He chuckles, "You still have my leather jacket, I see."

I pull the familiar jacket tighter around my body unconsciously. I can't even imagine what expression is on my face, but Edward seems to find it hilarious. He's staring at my face and laughing, but I detect a hint of relief in his eyes. Relief? I'm….confused. And a little angry that he's still laughing at me.

I struggle to find words and end up just blurting out,

"I-I….What are _you_ doing here?"

His face immediately betrays his shock and hurt. At least he's done laughing.

"Do you not….want me here?"

I try to sit up abruptly, but end up struggling just to lift myself enough to lean my back against the pillows.

"No! I mean, yes! I want you! Uh…._here,_ I mean. I want you _here_."

His expression brightens again and he chuckles, sitting forward with his hands entwined in a fist on his knees. Awkward pause.

"Sooo…how are you feeling?"

Okay, now I understand the relief I saw in his emerald eyes. Someone told him. And he was afraid that I would be a big wreck or something. He probably even knows that I did it because of him. And that I _am_ a big wreck without him. God, could this be any more uncomfortable?

"I'm fine." I say it a little too quickly, and he rolls his eyes.

"Yeah sure, and that's why you jumped off a cliff."

A wave of inexplicable anger and defensiveness hits me, and my face turns red in agitation.

"Excuse me, but who told you that? Seriously, you have no right to throw that in my face. You have no idea. No idea."

He shrugs, "Alice called me yesterday. She told me what happened and that you were in bad shape. I called Carlisle to ask how you were doing, and he confirmed what Alice said. So I figured I should come and check on you."

His little explanation does nothing to soothe my rage.

"Oh, so you felt obligated to come and make sure I wasn't dead? What, did you feel guilty? What else did they tell you, huh?"

He holds his hands up in surrender, balking at my anger. He's never seen me get this worked up. But in response, he's starting to get angry too.

"Look, that's all they told me. And why the hell would _I _feel guilty? _You're_ the one who tried to kill yourself! You should feel guilty for almost giving me a heart attack! When Alice told me you _jumped_ off a _cliff_, I thought you were _dead_! What the fuck were you thinking Bella? I never thought you would be so fucking stupid!"

Things are starting to escalate faster than I even thought possible. It's like I never knew I was angry at Edward for leaving until he showed up here, and now all my pent up aggression is being released. This time, my anger gives me an adrenaline rush **(it's very common, you can Google it! lol)** and I'm able to sit all the way up, leaning towards him and pointing a finger in his face.

"Fuck you! You don't know what it's been like here without you! You've been gone for three months! You have no clue what I've been through in those three months. So don't you_ dare_ lecture me. Why would you care if I was dead anyways? You left! You left me here alone!"

After that reality sinks in all over again, my anger is gone and the hurt and vulnerability are back.

He stands up and starts pacing, running his hands through his bronze hair frantically. His voice is a little more subdued.

"I left _for_ you! I told you that. I told you I needed to get better. Why do you think I left you my favorite jacket? So you'd know I was coming back for it. _God_, you can be so frustratingly blind sometimes Bella. I told you in plain words that I wanted you, but I could tell even then that you didn't believe me."

I sit back in shock, not even knowing how to respond to that statement. He left me his jacket because he always planned on coming back? I thought he left it as a memento, or because he felt guilty for leaving me. And he most certainly did NOT tell me he wanted me. He told me that my breaking up with Jacob didn't change anything! But if he really did leave _for_ me….

I say softly as I lean back into the couch, "Well, _that_ changes things."

He barks out a laugh and stops pacing, coming over to the couch and kneeling on the floor in front of it, so he's eye level with me. He stares deeply into my eyes and brushes a lock of hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear lovingly. Why is he acting like this?

"Yes, many things have changed. I've been clean for three months now. I don't even smoke cigarettes or drink anymore. And I did it for you. Because you deserve someone who isn't an addict. Someone who can take care of _you_, instead of the other way around."

I look at his beautiful face carefully, searching for the sincerity I'm hoping is there. I find it quickly and easily, because his eyes are practically sparkling with honesty and….tenderness?

Something inside me breaks. Right when he walked in here, I wanted to run over and throw myself into his arms. But I've been holding myself back from getting too physically close to him, because I knew that when he left again, it would hurt even worse if I had touched him and proved to myself that he was really here. If he left again and I hadn't actually touched him, I would have been able to tell myself that it was all just a dream. But the look in his eyes crumbles my resolve and I have a sudden, violent _craving_ to feel his skin on mine.

My lips pull into an uncertain smile and I slowly wrap my arms around him, burying my face in his neck and breathing in that delicious scent that I've missed more than anything. If I'm going to touch him, I'm going to memorize this moment so if he leaves again, I'll at least have this.

It feels so familiar and wonderful to be in his embrace again. If this is a dream, and it all comes to an end, I don't care how many people I promised. I'll surely kill myself out of disappointment. But it feels too real to be a dream. Besides, there's no way my brain is this creative.

He sighs contentedly and pulls me closer into his embrace, burying his own face in my hair. He breathes in deeply through his nose like he's doing the same thing I am, memorizing the moment. Maybe he is.

"Mmmmm you still smell the same, with a bit of the ocean mixed in. God, when I thought you were dead, it took all of three seconds for me to have my own suicide planned out. I couldn't live, knowing you were gone."

I pull away lightning fast and look at his face, shocked beyond belief,

"Wait, _what_?! Edward Cullen, why would you tell me that? Are you crazy? To think you would do something like that because of _me_…."

He shrugs, "Well, now you know how I feel. Seriously, were_ you_ crazy? How could you try and take yourself away from me, Jingle Bells? You know how much I need you."

I grin at the use of my nickname, knowing that the fact that he used it means he's really not that mad at me. And he knows that when he uses my nickname, I can't stay mad at him either.

I confess quietly, "I thought you didn't want me. I thought that when you left, you were just trying to get rid of me. I didn't want to live anymore if you didn't want me."

He looks angry again, "That's crazy. I'll always want you, forever. You really don't see yourself clearly."

I gasp loudly, because that is _exactly_, word for word, what he told me in the dream I had in the hospital. Maybe my subconscious has been trying to tell me the truth all along. How….maddening.

I roughly pull him towards me again, leaning into him and gripping his shirt tightly, like I'm never letting go. Which I'm not, if I can help it. This is real. And he's not going to leave me.

He holds me to his body just as tightly, rubbing my back and running his fingers through my hair. He turns his head to lightly kiss my neck and I pull back out of disbelief, only to lean in again and kiss his neck. I let my joyful tears spill over onto his shoulder and he caresses my cheeks softly. He's touching every part of me, as if to make sure I'm really here. I'm doing the same thing to him, and I decide once and for all that this is definitely not a dream.

I whisper into his ear quietly,

"I love you, Edward. I really, really do."

He looks into my eyes while still holding onto me, making sure I won't fall.

"I love you too, silly girl. I've always loved you. And I always will, forever."

I look back at him for a second, and then with no warning, I throw myself at him. Literally. There's no other way to describe it—I gather my strength and launch myself into his lap, tossing my arms around his neck and kissing him furiously. And it's the best kiss of my life, because he's kissing me back just as passionately as I'm kissing him. Maybe even more. It's so different from Jacob's possessive kisses. This is raw, full of unadulterated hunger and love.

Our warm lips move together perfectly, like we've been kissing each other this way for years. Or like we were made to kiss this way for the rest of our lives. His hands are on my back, my shoulders, my neck, my cheeks. My hands have taken up residence in that unruly bronze hair, grasping it with no plans on letting go anytime soon. We continue in this position for a few minutes, but all too soon I'm reluctantly pulling away for air. He's placing light, feathery kisses all over my face, breathing just as heavily as I am.

I rest my forehead against his and stare intensely into those unbelievable emerald eyes. He's grinning widely, and there's no doubt in my mind that my face is mirroring his. Like I said, it was the best kiss of my life. I think it's quite possibly the best kiss anyone's_ ever_ had. If my living room had a skylight, I'd be floating out of it right now.

After about five minutes of intense eye contact, we simultaneously burst into uncontrollable laughter. I'm leaning against his chest, taking in his wonderful masculine scent once again, and he's resting his head on top of mine, both of us trying to regain composure.

Finally, we're able to look at each other without laughing or attacking the other's lips.

I sigh with satisfaction, "So, does this mean we're together?"

He laughs and holds my face between his hands,

"Yes. I think it's safe to say that we are together. You are mine and I'm not letting anyone else have you. God, I missed you Jingle Bells. The only thing that made those three months worth it was the thought that once I was out of rehab, I would come back to you."

I giggle. Seriously, what is it about this boy that makes me go from suicidal to giggling school girl in less than an hour? It really must be love. I'm just so relieved and ecstatic at the same time. I won't have to be the fifth wheel anymore, and I won't feel the urge to cringe when I see other couples kissing. I have my own boyfriend to kiss. My own boyfriend that loves me. This is so fucking surreal. Only Edward could leave me miserable for three months and then barge back in here and make everything better. Like the hole in my chest never existed in the first place.

"Well, I wish you'd told _me_ that. Here I was, thinking you hated me. Not that I'm blaming you, of course. If you'd told me you loved me before you left, I wouldn't have believed you anyways."

He raises his eyebrows, "Then why do you believe me now?"

"Good question. Maybe it's because I want to believe it so badly that I'm not questioning it as much as I normally would. Maybe you're just really good at convincing me…." I trail off suggestively and he growls low in his chest.

"Wait. Did you just growl?"

He shrugs nonchalantly, but I can sense a small amount of embarrassment.

"Maybe."

I grin seductively, "That had to be the sexiest sound I've ever heard. Edward Cullen, what are you doing to me? I used to be so innocent."

He raises his eyebrows, "Innocent? I don't think so. If I remember correctly, when we first met you cursed me up and down because you thought I was an 'arrogant son of a bitch'. You even told me to go to hell. You were a lot of things, but innocent wasn't one of them, honey."

"Yeah well, you deserved it. You really were a huge asshole back then. You're lucky you're so damn cute, or I would never forgive you. And who are you calling honey, Cullen?"

He glares, "What, you don't like my nicknames Jingle Bells? That really hurts, you know. I tell you I love you, and you insult me? Low blow, sweet cheeks. Low blow."

I have to laugh, "Sweet cheeks? How would _you_ know?"

He ducks his head, "Well, I am a teenager of the male persuasion, in case you haven't noticed. And let me tell you, you definitely have some sweet cheeks."

I blush uncontrollably at his bizarre compliment, "Okay, enough of that. Back to the making out. You need to work on your charm there, sparky."

He gives me his crooked grin, "No other girls seem to mind my charm. But if you want to go back to making out, you won't get any complaints from me, sugar bottom."

I just can't do it. I can't hold a straight face when he says things like that. I burst out laughing.

"No other girls, hm? I always knew you were a player. How many other girls are we talking? I'll bet you've been screwing Miranda, too. It would explain her not- so- subtle crush on you, wouldn't it? Damn Edward, that really hurts. I thought you loved me."

He has a disgusted expression on his face, "Miranda? You've got to be kidding me. I would never return her creepy old lady advances. Besides, you're the only girl I can ever see. You really have no idea how beautiful you are. Even at rock bottom, you were the most gorgeous creature I'd ever seen. You still are, even after you nearly died. I love you Isabella Swan. I really, truly, can't live without you."

And just like that, our playful banter turns back into passion filled kisses. Can you blame me, after he says something like _that_? The only difference is, this time he's the one to throw himself at me, because I'm still too shocked from his little speech to move. Not to mention the fact that my strength is pretty much gone. He leans me back onto the couch so I'm lying down with him hovering over me, careful to keep his weight off me.

After a few more minutes, I'm breathless and thirsty as hell. Edward sits up and strokes my tired face sweetly.

"Do you need anything? Sorry, I sort of forgot that you're supposed to be on bed rest. It's kind of hard to keep my hands to myself right now, so I think it would be a good idea for me to go into the kitchen and get you something to drink. Is water okay?"

I smile up at him and whisper, "Water is perfect. Thanks _muffin._"

He snorts and on his way into the kitchen he says, "Anything for you, my little _snicker doodle_."

I hear him moving around in the kitchen, humming something under his breath. He comes back in with a grin and a glass of water. I gratefully take it and chug about half the glass in one go. Kissing makes you extremely thirsty, especially when you still have what feels like gallons of salt water in your system.

Edward sets the glass on a side table and turns back towards me with a concerned expression, "Where's Charlie, anyways? I was expecting to have to crawl through your window, since I doubt Charlie would even let me in here."

I shrug, "He's at work, as usual. He's never around, so I don't think you have to worry about getting kicked out anytime soon."

I try to hold it back, but a huge yawn breaks through anyways. Edward chuckles and pulls his leather jacket higher up onto my shoulders, tucking it around me gently.

"You should get some rest Jingle Bells."

A wave of anxiousness washes over me and I shake my head frantically, "No. I can't sleep."

He looks baffled, "Why not?"

My cheeks blush without my permission and I play with one of the jacket's sleeves, my voice defeated, "I'm afraid you'll be gone when I wake up. I just got you back, and I'm scared you're going to leave again. I mean, I'm a mess. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to deal with me anymore."

He grabs my shoulders tightly and looks me in the eye seriously, "Listen to me Bella. I love you, and I won't leave. I promise, okay? I'll stay right here. Besides, you stuck with me when I was a mess. I mean we're both still kind of a mess-- we did meet in therapy. Actually, now that I think about it, we sort of owe Miranda one."

I shiver over-dramatically, "Scary thought."

We both laugh as Edward lays down behind me on the couch, his arms wrapped protectively around my waist. I turn my head once more to kiss him softly and tenderly. He kisses me back and I smile under his lips.

I turn back around and sigh happily, realizing that this is the first time in years I've felt so content. Possibly the first time ever. I suppose being in love will do that to you.

Right before I'm ready to drift off, I hear Edward quietly singing the words to what he had been humming in the kitchen. I can't believe I didn't recognize it earlier, but he's singing what is sort of our song (well, to me anyways) '_Amazing, Because It Is'. _His voice is every bit as soft and perfect as I remembered, and I physically ache with the thought of how much I love this boy.

_-_

_-_

_-_

"_I was so scared of everything you put in front of me  
I've been marching to every part of me  
Just to see  
See  
Why you need me to be  
The boy you need me to be_

Amazing grace  
How sweet the sound  
That saves a wretch like me  
I once was lost  
And now I'm found  
Was blind but now I see

I just wanna see

I'm the type of person who lets fear drive  
I'm the type of guy that's in drive  
Cause I'm addicted, I'm needy  
I'm lost without you  
I need you  
I need you

Amazing grace  
How sweet the sound  
That saves a wretch like me  
I once was lost  
But now I'm found  
Was blind but now I see

Amazing grace (amazing grace)  
How sweet the sound (how sweet)  
That saves a wretch like me (that saved a wretch like me)  
I once was lost  
But now I'm found (you know I'm found)  
Was blind but now I see

Amazing grace (you're amazing)  
How sweet the sound (you're amazing)  
That saves a wretch like me  
I once was lost (it feels so bad when you're lost and alone)  
But now I'm found  
Was blind but now I see"

-

-

-

**Playlist: Coldplay- **_**A Message**_**, The Almost- **_**Amazing Because It Is**_**, Strays Don't Sleep- **_**For Blue Skies**_**, The Perishers- **_**Sway**_

**Please review and let me know what you think about Edward and Bella's reunion!!**


	16. Smother Me

**Hello everyone! Thanks for all the reviews I got for the last chapter and sorry it's been a week since the last update. This story has about two or three more chapters to it, just to let you know that it'll be coming to an end soon ******** I hope you enjoy this chapter and please review!**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the characters, not me.**

_**Chapter Sixteen**_

_**Smother Me**_

_**Let me be the one who calls you baby  
All the time  
Surely you can take some comfort  
Knowing that you're mine  
Just hold me tight, lay by my side  
And let me be the one who calls you  
Baby all the time**_

I found my place in the world  
Could stare at your face for the rest of  
My days  
Now I can breathe, turn my insides out  
And Smother me  
Warm and alive I'm all over you  
Would you smother me?

Let me be the one who never leaves  
You all alone  
I hold my breath and lose the feeling  
That I'm on my own (leaves me all alone)  
Hold me too tight stay by my side  
And let me be the one who calls you  
Baby all the time(all the time)

I found my place in the world  
Could stare at your face for the rest of  
My days  
Now I can breathe, turn my insides out  
And Smother me  
Warm and alive I'm all over you  
Would you smother me?(4X- smother me)

When I'm alone time goes so slow  
I need you here with me  
And how my mistakes have made  
Your heart break  
Still I need you here with me  
So Baby I'm, Baby I'm here

Now I can breathe, turn my insides out  
And Smother me(smother me)  
Warm and alive I'm all over you  
Would you smother me?(don't let me be alone)

Now I can breathe, turn my insides out  
And Smother me(smother me)  
Warm and alive I'm all over you  
Would you smother me?(3X smother me)  
Let me be the one who calls you baby  
All the time  
Let me be the one who calls you baby  
All the time  
Let me be the one who calls you baby  
the one who calls you baby.

Edward and I have been officially together for a little less than two weeks now—even if it only feels like two days. Because of those two weeks, I'm physically back to normal and emotionally better than ever. Unfortunately, the real world had to catch up to us eventually, and school starts today. My senior year. Well, _our_ senior year. We're all seniors now, and I have a feeling this year is going to be my favorite.

This feeling is reinforced when there's a knock on the door bright and early, and I open it to reveal Edward, fresh-faced and abnormally chipper. He grins and hands me a monstrous cup of coffee, and the reason for his good mood is revealed. Apparently, his mom Esme makes the best (not to mention strongest) coffee known to man. That's what Edward tells me, anyways. And I suppose I'll find out for myself today after school.

That's right. Today, at precisely three o'clock, Edward is taking me to his house for the first time.

Oh joy.

Don't get me wrong; it's not that I don't want to go-- I'm actually really excited to see where Edward lives and to meet his adoptive parents. Well, I already met Carlisle, but I'm desperately trying to forget that fact.

It's just that I'm nervous. And really embarrassed. I mean, they know Edward and I met in therapy. And they know I tried to commit suicide two weeks ago. Not the best first impression you want to make on your boyfriend's parents.

Especially when said boyfriend is a recovering coke addict whose parents probably want him to meet a nice, non-anorexic/suicidal girl to date. When you really think about it, Edward and I shouldn't be together. But there's no way in hell I'm giving him up this time. I've come to realize that there's just no point in trying to be apart from him. Neither of us is any good without the other one. I just hope his parents see that.

Edward smiles his special crooked grin and asks, "So Jingle Bells, ready for our last year of torture?"

I snort, "Oh pudding, you know that every minute I spend with you is torture. Any classes we have separately will be a welcome relief."

He links his hand with mine and leans in to whisper, "Now now cookie, no need to be so sarcastic. I know you don't mean it. I can tell you're secretly excited."

I roll my eyes playfully, "Enough of this pointless chatter! Lead the way to the Volvo, boyfriend."

He smiles and gives me a quick peck on the cheek, "Sure thing, girlfriend."

We finally make it to the car and he bows mockingly, opening the door for me. This is for the benefit of the neighbors, who Charlie has enlisted to spy on Edward and I, since he's not home in the mornings to do it himself. Charlie is not exactly supportive of our relationship, especially after he found us sleeping together on the couch the day Edward came back.

Talk about your overreactions.

I was awoken by Edward being pulled violently away from me. I sat up, irrationally fearing that Jacob had come to hurt Edward. Instead of Jake, I opened my eyes to find Charlie gripping Edward's arm at what looked to be a painful angle. Edward just stood there patiently, holding back laughter, while I frantically tried to explain the situation.

Looking back, it's especially funny to remember Charlie's face all purple, his hand itching to reach for the gun at his belt, standing behind my calm boyfriend. It's even funnier when you see that Edward is a good six inches taller than my father, so I couldn't even see Charlie until he craned his neck _around_ Edward's broad shoulders.

Since that night, Charlie has been unusually strict about how often I see Edward. He loosened up a bit when I reminded him that I _did_ meet Edward in the very therapy group that Charlie himself had forced me to go to. He can't really argue with that one. So the rule is that Edward can stay over until seven o'clock on weekends, and now five o'clock on school nights.

But what Charlie doesn't know is that Edward has an unnatural talent for climbing trees, namely the one that leads right to my bedroom window. I don't even want to know how much practice he's had at sneaking into girls' rooms late at night.

Anyways, we spend pretty much every night together, sleeping side by side in my tiny twin bed. It's the best I've slept in months.

But because of Charlie's damned nosiness, Edward and I can't show any displays of affection until we are safely within the confines of the Volvo's tinted windows. I knew those things would come in handy for something. Thus, we wait to make out until the doors are closed and locked (just a safety precaution), and Edward has turned some music on.

This morning it's Aqualung's '_Strange and Beautiful'_, a slow and sexy little song that surprisingly fits my mood. Apparently it fits his as well, because the boy is hungrily devouring my mouth like he hasn't seen me in years. Not that I'm complaining, of course. In fact, I don't think it's possible for anyone to complain when they're kissing the love of their life. Yeah, I said it, and I know it's corny. But the corniness doesn't negate the fact that it's true.

When we're finally able to pull away from each other long enough for Edward to drive to school, we meet up with the others in front of Emmett's gigantic jeep. They all greet us casually except Alice, who bounces over to give us both hugs. This is made difficult when she refuses to drop Jasper's hand and Edward refuses to drop mine, making the four of us end up in a big tangled mess.

Emmett, being Emmett, makes it worse by dragging Rosalie over to join in. So now I'm crushed between him and Jasper—not a fun position to be in. But that doesn't stop any of us from laughing hysterically. I'm sure we're getting a lot of weird looks from the other kids in the parking lot.

Finally, Edward releases my hand long enough for me to untangle myself. Once I'm out, he immediately grabs my hand again, but then decides it's not enough contact and pulls me into his side. I sigh happily and look up to find him laughing at our friends, who are even more twisted up than before.

It feels good that we're all together like this again, almost as if nothing has changed. But then Edward bends down to kiss me lovingly and I remember that things have changed, for the better. For once, I don't have to worry about being left out, or about the consequences of another boy looking at me. I feel safe and happy amidst my friends and boyfriend. I don't think I'll ever get used to it.

When everyone is disentangled, we all pull out our schedules to compare classes. I have none with Rose or Emmett, but one with Jasper, two with Alice, and two with Edward. Not bad. We part ways at the dreaded school entrance and I walk with Alice to our Spanish class, glancing back at Edward who's doing the same to me.

It's pathetic that I have to tell myself this separation is only for a few hours.

My classes are boring as usual, each teacher going over the syllabus like none of us can read it on our own. You'd think senior classes would be a little more advanced than, say, second grade classes. But you'd be wrong. The only thing that breaks up the monotony is when a random kid will come up to me and ask if I really attempted suicide. It's funny to see the looks on their faces when I tell them it's true.

Normally, I would be bothered by the morbid curiosity and whispers behind my back, but somehow I'm not. Maybe it helps knowing that Edward is back and that I've moved past my desire to die. Now I just want to laugh in their faces for being so freaked out. After the first five or so, the students start to back off.

Finally, it's our lunch break and Jasper and I make our way from History to the cafeteria. Well, I pull Jasper's arm out of its socket as I _drag_ him to the cafeteria. He tries to play it cool like he's not anxious to see Alice, but I can tell he is. Not as much as I'm dying to see Edward, though.

We hastily make our way through the lunch line and I grab a random assortment of foods without really paying attention. I bounce from foot to foot as I wait impatiently for Jasper to pay for his food, and then we practically run over to the table in the corner that everyone is sitting at. I plop down next to Edward and he immediately grabs me up into a hug. I guess he missed me too.

Alice ruins the moment when she pipes up, "Hey, have you guys been hearing what everyone's saying about Edward?"

That catches my attention and Edward and I both perk up. My eyes widen as I ask, "What do you mean?"

Alice rolls her eyes, "I can't believe you didn't hear those girls in Spanish, Bella! They were basically screaming, but you were too into your little Edward la-la-land to even notice."

I shrug and roll my eyes, "So? What were they saying?"

She grins with the satisfaction of having gossip to spill, and everyone's attention is on her except Edward himself. He's staring down at the table angrily, but I catch a hint of embarrassment as well.

"Every girl in this school is talking about how hot Edward is! They say he has that whole 'bad boy' thing. I guess having a new guy is pretty exciting for them. Especially one who looks like Edward does."

I hit her playfully, "Pixie! No hitting on my boyfriend when Jasper and I are sitting right here. At least wait until we're gone, jeez. Have a little decency."

She laughs her tinkling laugh and Edward pulls me closer to his side. I turn to him, "Did you know what they were saying about you?"

He grins nonchalantly, "Yeah. I also heard someone say I had plastic surgery to look like this. And that I'm really a famous actor who is in disguise to try and blend in. I'm like the new Hannah Montana."

We all get a good laugh at _that_ mental picture, until Alice speaks back up, "But that's not all they're saying! I also heard some guys saying they recognized you from parties over the summer. Apparently some of them did coke with you a few times. And Mike Newton said you bought heroin from his cousin."

The mood shifts as everyone looks away from Edward and I. He removes his arm from my shoulders slowly and stares down at his hands folded on the table. I don't even hesitate to pull his arm up and put it back around me.

"So what? You were bound to run into somebody who knew about your past in this tiny town. No big deal. It's not like none of us knew."

He looks up at me earnestly, "Are you sure it doesn't bother you? People are going to be talking about me a lot. If you don't want anyone to know we're together, I won't mind."

I stare back at him angrily, "Edward Cullen! Don't say things like that. You know I don't care about that kind of stuff. Kids have been coming up to me all day asking if I really jumped off a cliff. You're not the only messed up one, remember?"

He smiles back gratefully, "Good. Because I don't think I could be in school with you all day and not be able to touch you or hold you. It's hard enough as it is. Oh, and if anyone gives you trouble, let me know. Maybe I can use my new reputation as a coked up Hannah Montana to scare them away."

The heavy atmosphere is lifted and the group goes back to joking and laughing. My last two classes are the ones I have with Edward and they blur by quickly. The only thing I remember from Biology or English is that I got a lot of glares from jealous girls.

All too soon, Edward and I are in the Volvo and on the way to his house. He puts on some soothing music and holds my hand loosely as he drives, glancing over at me every once in a while.

"Hey, are you okay? You're being kind of quiet. Nerves?"

I nod reluctantly, "Yeah, I'm just worried. Your parents are going to hate me, especially Carlisle. He knows I jumped because of you. I could see it when he looked at me in the hospital. He probably thinks I'm a freak."

Edward's emerald eyes darken the tiniest bit when I mention that I jumped because of him, but it's not like he didn't know. It just upsets him every time my near- death is mentioned. His grip on my hand tightens.

"Don't look at it like that. Carlisle probably knows why you jumped, but I know he wouldn't judge you for it. And Esme might be a little more understanding than you think."

I give him a weird look, "What's that supposed to mean?"

He stares straight ahead and says quickly, "Nothing. I'm just saying that Carlisle and Esme will be the last people to judge you. Trust me. They forgave me for fucking up all these years. I'm sure they'll love you almost as much as I do. Plus, I told them that you were the one to get me to quit in the first place."

I cut in, "Did you also tell them I'm the reason you relapsed?"

He sighs gustily, "Bella for the last time, it wasn't your fault. It was my own mistake, not yours. Now stop bringing up unpleasant things that are only going to make you more nervous. What do you think about Eisley?"

I sigh and roll my eyes, "Real subtle, muffin."

Then even I can hear that my voice becomes more animated, like it always does when I talk about music.

"And you know I think Eisley is amazing. Their voices blend perfectly together and their melodies are just gorgeous. I especially love '_Marvelous Things'_. It's like a lullaby, but creepier."

He laughs lightly, "I'm the king of subtlety, darling. And I have only one bad thing to say about Eisley: their voices are too high pitched. I can only listen to them for so long, otherwise my hearing is affected. Other than that, I have to agree that the melodies are beautiful and they are all really talented."

I lean back in my seat and close my eyes. Edward is good at distracting me. Too good, actually. I forgot my nerves for about two minutes, but now they're back in full force. Just in time for us to pull up to a huge white house.

No, huge white _mansion_. Good lord, Edward lives in a mansion. I should have seen this coming, but I'm still shocked beyond words.

He parks the car and runs around to open my door for me. I take his hand and give him another weird look, until I realize that both his parents are standing on the porch watching us. That explains his sudden need for gentlemanly behavior.

We walk slowly up to the porch holding hands, and Edward pulls me next to him when we reach Carlisle and Esme. I'm relieved to notice that they're both smiling at me kindly. Maybe this won't be a _complete _disaster.

Edward is the first to speak up, "Carlisle, Esme, this is my girlfriend, Bella Swan. Bella, these are my parents."

Carlisle reaches out to take my hand gently, smiles widely and says, "Wonderful to see you again Bella! I'm glad we finally get a chance to be properly introduced."

I smile back nervously, "Hello again Dr. Cullen. It's great to see you too. And I just want to say thank you for everything you did for me, you know…that day."

Cue the awkward silence.

Great going Bella. Bring up your suicide attempt before you even make it inside the house. Brilliant move. I'm sure they don't think you're a freak now.

Edward winces and squeezes my hand, but I'm too mortified to even look up. Suddenly I feel two arms around me and I realize that they're not Edward's. The woman with beautiful caramel hair, who I assume is Esme, is hugging me tightly. I'm bewildered, but kind of grateful that she's not glaring at me, or kicking me out or something.

Instead of doing either of those things, she pulls away and speaks in a soft voice, "Oh, don't be embarrassed my dear." Then she adds nonchalantly, "I jumped off a cliff too, you know."

Wait, _what?!_

No really, _what_? Did I hear that right?

My eyes bug out of my head and I stumble to say something. _Anything._

What actually comes out is, "I-I…ummm…uhhh…oh…o-okay…"

Then everyone is laughing. At my expression and speechlessness, I presume. I can't help it though. I mean, what the hell? Who just comes out and says something like that?

Esme laughs softly and takes my hand, "It's true dear. I had just lost a child and was very depressed. So I jumped. My situation was actually quite similar to yours, because I too was lucky; someone found me and brought me to the hospital. Carlisle was my doctor, just like he was yours, but for us it was love at first sight. Even though I was bruised and bandaged, Carlisle fell just as hard for me as I did for him. After my fall, I discovered that I couldn't have any more children. So Carlisle and I decided to adopt, and that's how we found Edward. My story has a happy ending, as I hope yours and Edward's will."

Wow. Okay. So that's what Edward meant when he said Esme would be more understanding than I thought. Although I suppose he wasn't expecting her to tell me the story first thing.

I smile at her gratefully and actually initiate the hug this time. She pats my back comfortingly and when we pull away I say quietly, "Thank you for telling me that Esme. I'm so glad that Edward has people like you and Carlisle in his life."

Edward nods at his parents and smiles at me lovingly. He then takes my hand and pulls me towards the door, "Okay. Enough bonding with my mother. How about a tour of the house?"

"You mean the mansion? Sure. Lead the way, boyfriend."

As we step through the entryway, I'm in awe. My mouth is literally hanging open, and everyone is once again chuckling at my reaction.

I turn back towards Esme and say shyly, "You have a beautiful home."

She beams at me and Carlisle puts an arm around her, telling me proudly, "Thank you Bella. She designed it all herself, you know."

Esme looks down modestly and blushes the tiniest bit, but her smile is as big as ever.

"Well, you've done a wonderful job. It's amazing."

And it truly is. Big open skylights, modern furniture, and everything white, white, white. It obviously has a futuristic theme, but there's still a very homey feel to it. It's like my dream house, and I'm suddenly embarrassed that Edward has spent so much time in my shabby little place when he could be _here_, living like a freakin' king.

Edward leads me up the winding staircase and down a wide hallway to a plain door at the very end. He whispers, "This is my room."

He then proceeds to open the door like Vanna White presenting a game show prize, sweeping his arms out and singing loudly, "Ta da!"

I can hear Esme and Carlisle chuckling downstairs at Edward's antics. I chuckle a bit myself before stepping in and stopping abruptly. If this is my dream house, then this room is something beyond my wildest imagination. And it fits Edward perfectly.

The room is bigger than five of mine combined with a huge glass window serving as one wall. The other walls are just shelves and shelves of CD's and books. There's a comfy looking canopy bed with a soft amber comforter and black silk pillows. In the opposite corner there's a black sofa, a large TV, and the most expensive looking stereo system I've ever seen. I'm not going anywhere near that thing, for fear of breaking it somehow.

The part of the room that catches and holds my attention however, is his little music corner thing. He's got a baby grand piano, (who has one of those in their _bedroom_?) a drum set, and all sorts of guitars. I think I even see a violin. I knew he was into music, but damn. I'm never going home.

If my eyes were bugging when Esme told me her story, they are about to fall out of socket at the sight of Edward's bedroom. And as I look over at Edward himself, he's leaning against one of the bookshelves, watching me curiously.

"What?"

He shrugs, "Nothing."

"No seriously, what are you gawking at me for?"

He rolls his eyes, "I was not _gawking _at you, love. I was just enjoying the view."

Now it's my turn to roll my eyes, "Yes, boyfriend, you were gawking. And did you like what you saw?"

His grin turns seductive and he's at my side in a flash, "You could say that. Do you like what you see?"

I look up at his gorgeous eyes innocently, "Oh yes sweetie, your room is amazing!"

"I wasn't talking about the room, my lovely girlfriend."

I widen my eyes into that doe look that he loves, "Then what ever could you mean darling?"

He plays along, "Why my dear, I meant myself of course."

I shrug, "Oh that? Yeah, that's an okay view too, I guess."

He fakes offense, "_Okay_? Just okay? Well, I'll have to change that opinion rather quickly now, won't I."

We break into an intense stare that goes on for what seems like hours until I shout, "Aha! You blinked!"

Edward pouts, "No I didn't! I had something in my eye, it doesn't count!"

"Oh don't be a sore loser. You, my gorgeous boyfriend, blinked. Which means I, your wonderful girlfriend, won our unofficial staring contest. So suck it up."

He pulls me into a hug suddenly and I'm completely oblivious as to why.

"Um, Edward? Not that I mind or anything, but may I ask why you are holding onto me for dear life right now?"

He chuckles and I can feel the vibrations in his chest, "No reason. I just love you."

I lean my head against his chest and breathe in his delicious scent, sighing softly, "Oh. Okay. In that case, I love you too."

**Playlist: The Used- **_**Smother Me**_**, Aqualung- **_**Strange and Beautiful**_**, Eisley- **_**Marvelous Things**_**, Sigur Ros- **_**Hoppipolla**_


	17. Your Song

**Hello everyone! This is my last update until after I get Breaking Dawn (which I preordered, so I won't get it until like the 6****th****), and the second to last chapter of the story. Sad, I know. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and I hope you enjoy this one. I really want to get to 350 reviews by the end, so please let me know what you thought!**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the characters. Sorry I can't say it in a more clever way.**

_**Chapter Seventeen**_

_**Your Song**_

_**Haven't you heard?  
I'm stuck on a face  
I'm stuck on a boy who feels me with joy  
I knew I was wrong to  
jump straight on into the picture so pretty  
But he is so pretty to me **_

_**And he doesn't know just how far I would go  
Just to kiss him  
He doesn't know how I pine**_

_**  
So I make whirlpools  
And watch him sparkle  
And we'll make love, make magic**_

_**  
And haven't you heard?  
I thought I had first  
And he loves me so  
We're two in a row  
Just look in his eyes  
They're blue as the skies  
are picture so pretty  
but he is so pretty to me**_

_**  
So I make whirlpools  
And watch him sparkle  
And we'll make love, make magic**_

_**  
But I couldn't tell you  
Just tell that it takes you  
'Cause words don't make  
what I make with him**_

_**  
Haven't you heard?  
I'm stuck on a face  
I'm stuck on a boy who fills me with joy  
I knew I was wrong  
to jump straight on into this picture so pretty  
but he is so pretty to me**_

Ah, graduation day. Supposedly one of the most important milestones in a person's life. I'm certainly relieved it's here, but I don't share the same enthusiasm everyone else seems to have. Probably because it's not going to change anything all that much. Sure, I'm going to college next fall and everything. But I'm not leaving my loved ones behind, because everyone I love (with the exception of Charlie of course) is coming with me.

It' not like we all worked extra hard to prove everyone wrong and got into Yale or some clichéd miracle like that. Nope. We're headed for Seattle community college. Did you really think a bunch of troubled kids like us could get into a university? Come on. Between the drugs, alcohol, grand theft auto, shoplifting, abuse, anger management issues, and two attempted suicides, none of us were exactly model students.

Honestly though, it doesn't matter to me where I go, as long as Edward goes too.

Charlie drew the line at Edward and I getting an apartment together, so I'll be sharing one with Rose and Alice in downtown Seattle. But the guys are sharing an apartment on the floor above us, so I'm sure Edward and I will get the chance to spend some…ahem…quality time together. And we won't have to worry about Charlie and his ridiculous rules.

I'm broken out of my musings when I hear the principle call my name.

"Isabella Marie Swan."

Here we go. I walk unsteadily up to the stage and shake the principles' hand, taking my diploma folder in the other hand like we practiced in rehearsal. It goes by so fast, I don't even have time to freak out about tripping or falling on my face. But when I get back to my seat, there's plenty of time for my friends to give me a thumbs up for my accident- free walk.

I basically tune out the rest of the ceremony, playing with the empty diploma folder. Can you believe they hold our diplomas hostage until we've turned in our caps and gowns? Like anyone really wants to keep the hideous mustard yellow things. I clap loudly for Jasper when it's his turn, since he's the only one of my friends lower in the alphabet than me.

Finally, after the rest of the names are called, all the graduates throw their caps in the air and our cheesy class song rings out over the crackling speakers. I'm the only one who doesn't throw their cap, because there's no way I'm risking it. With my luck, I'd lose the damn thing and they'd refuse to hand over my diploma.

Hey, it could happen.

The mass of parents, siblings, and friends descends on the graduates and adds to the crowd. Not that the crowd was that big to begin with; there were only eighty seven seniors this year. But still, I'm not a big fan of crowds, so I wait patiently in my seat until Edward comes to find me.

He made me promise I wouldn't leave my seat after the ceremony, because he knows I'd probably fall and be trampled to death like those kids at that Who concert in the sixties.

A very unpleasant way to go, if you ask me.

After about five minutes, I can see a head of bronze hair coming towards me, and even though I can't see his face, I know that Edward is grinning. Just as I think this, he pops up in front of me, picking me up and twirling me around, grinning from ear to ear.

"Hey beautiful! I'm so proud of you for not tripping."

I roll my eyes as he sets me down, "Gee, thanks. Good to know you were expecting me to."

We walk over to the corner of the gym and turn in our gowns, finally getting our diplomas.

He shrugs, the smile never leaving his face, "With you, I've learned to anticipate these things. It's not my fault you're uncoordinated."

I pout and widen my eyes, "Are you seriously insulting me on my graduation day? What a supportive boyfriend I have."

He puts his hand on his heart dramatically, "So glad you think so. Now let's go, everyone's waiting for us outside."

By everyone, he means _everyone_. I spot Charlie, Esme, and Carlisle chatting and laughing from across the parking lot. They get along a little too well for my comfort. Every time they get together, I feel like they're comparing notes or something.

I also immediately see Emmett eating Rosalie's face off. It's kinda hard to miss. Alice and Jasper are leaning into each other, quietly looking over the pictures Alice's mom took of the ceremony. It's surreal to see everyone standing here with their parents.

We really just graduated.

I feel a little bubble of excitement in my stomach-- I guess it just took me a bit longer than everyone else.

As Edward and I walk up, his parents and Charlie make their way over to engulf us in hugs. I hear Emmett say,

"Hey Edward, Jasper! You both owe me twenty bucks!"

Edward glares daggers at Emmett and I slowly turn around to face him, "Edward…what did you guys bet on?"

He smiles sheepishly while everyone listens intently, "Umm…it's no big deal Jingle Bells. We just had a little wager going on."

It's my turn to glare, "You didn't answer my question Edward Cullen. What did you three bet on?"

Emmett comes up and puts an arm around my shoulder, pointing an accusing finger at Edward and Jasper.

"Bells, these two idiots bet me twenty bucks you would trip on stage. And you didn't! Ha!"

I knew it. My face turns red in either anger or embarrassment, I'm not sure which. I snuggle up into Emmett's side and smile mischievously.

"Well, it looks like Emmett here is the only one who really loves me. I guess I picked the wrong guy, huh Emmett?"

I wink at him and then Rosalie, letting them both know I'm only joking. Emmett eagerly plays along.

"I guess so Bells. Good thing we realized before it was too late. Sorry Rosie, but I've always had a secret crush on Bella. It would never have worked out between us."

With that, he slowly leans down and as if to lay a big fat kiss on me. I wasn't expecting him to take it this far, but hey. Whatever works.

And work it does. Suddenly, an inch away from his lips, I feel myself being pulled away from Emmett and into a tight embrace. I look up just in time for Edward's lips to crash onto mine in a passionate kiss that leaves me breathless.

He pulls away and smiles devilishly, "What were you saying about picking the wrong guy, Jingle Bells?"

I breath in heavily and grin, "Oh nothing, nothing at all."

He laughs musically, and everyone else joins in, "That's what I thought. But I am sorry I underestimated you. It won't happen again."

I look into his emerald eyes and whisper, "Good. But you still have to make it up to me."

He raises one perfect eyebrow, "Oh? How do you propose I do that?"

I laugh quietly, "I'll let you know when I figure it out."

He nods and pulls me to his side, "Sounds good to me. What should we do now?"

"I say we head over to my place so I can cook us dinner."

"Spaghetti?"

"Sure thing."

We give out hugs and say our goodbyes to the group. Charlie heads off in the cruiser to go back to work, and Edward and I take his Volvo.

We get there in five minutes flat, due to his insane need for speed. We jump out and walk hand in hand up the driveway and into the house. I go upstairs to change out of the uncomfortable (but of course stylish) dress Alice forced me into, and when I come back down Edward is watching TV in the living room.

"You could have at least started boiling the water, or gotten out the ingredients, lazy ass."

He smiles up at me without making a move to get off the couch, "And risk accidentally rearranging your pantry again? I don't think so. After last time, I remember you specifically telling me, or more like yelling at me, that I was never to touch your pantry again."

My shoulders slump as I realize he's right. Ugh, how I hate it when he's right.

I glare, "Okay, you got me there. But boiling water doesn't involve going into the pantry, only the cabinets. And I never said you couldn't touch those. So, in conclusion, you're still a lazy ass."

I smirk triumphantly while he frowns, still trying to think up ways to get out of helping me.

"Just give it up and help me. You know I'm going to win in the end anyways. Plus, the longer we stand here arguing about it, the longer you'll have to wait for your beloved spaghetti."

He gets up immediately at that, causing me to grumble, "I swear you're only dating me for my cooking."

Edward, being the asshole that he is, simply smiles and doesn't contradict me. In retaliation, I smack him hard on the arm and he spins around to grab me, throwing me over his shoulder as I scream in protest.

"Edward! Put me down, you douche! If you drop me, I'll never talk to you ever again!" I try my hardest to sound angry, but I can't stop the laughs spilling out of me. He's chuckling the whole way to the kitchen as I struggle against him helplessly.

Finally, he turns me right side up and drops me unceremoniously into a chair.

"Alright, you want help? How about this: to make up for joining in on that bet with Jasper and Emmett, I'll cook you dinner."

I look him up and down doubtfully, "Do you even know how to cook?"

He shrugs, "How hard can it be? I've watched you do it hundreds of times. Plus, I've helped Esme once or twice. I think it'll be fine."

I hold my hands up in surrender, "Okay, Mr. Macho. The kitchen is yours. But if you burn it down, Charlie won't hesitate to kill you. He's just been waiting for an excuse."

A serious look actually crosses Edward's face, "Does he really still hate me?"

I sigh and go sit on his lap, my arms around his neck, "No, I was just kidding. He doesn't like you, but he definitely doesn't hate you as much as he used to. I think he's seen that we're both serious about this. I mean, we've been together almost a year now. Plus, if he really wanted to kill you, he would have in the parking lot when you kissed me in front of him."

His expression goes back to playful, "Maybe he just didn't want so many witnesses. Maybe he's biding his time until he can get me alone."

I rest my head on his shoulder and he strokes my hair softly, "Well I guess I'll just have to make sure I never leave you alone then, won't I?"

He kisses the top of my head sweetly, "Works for me."

We sit there for a while, just resting and talking quietly about the ceremony and how amazing college is going to be.

"Okay, enough of this mushy crap. Time for you to get cooking, my dear."

We both get up and I gather the things he'll need, since as he mentioned earlier, he's not allowed near my pantry. The boy has no organizational skills.

I sit back and relax, watching his adorable facial expressions as he gets confused on what to do. Finally, after twenty minutes of watching him attempt to chop onions, I get up and help. Between the two of us, dinner is ready a little while later and we eat and talk, about anything and everything.

That's one thing I'll never get tired of—how comfortable I feel around Edward. We can have the most inane conversations, but we never get bored of each other. I could listen to his voice all day, every day for the rest of my life. And I plan to.

**xxxXXxxx**

The next day is our last therapy session, and we couldn't be more excited. Alice and Edward's year long mandatory sentence is finally up. Emmett's parents had been telling him he could quit for a while now, but he kept coming for Rosalie. Rose, although she's done with group, is going to be in individual therapy for a while. But she doesn't mind because she actually enjoys those sessions and gets along with her therapist (what a concept!). Jasper's parents see that he's happier than ever before, and say therapy has done more for him than they ever expected. They also recognize that almost all of his progress is due to Alice.

I'm another story entirely. Miranda recommended to Charlie that I stay in group therapy for at least a few more months, because of my suicide attempt. I resigned myself to months alone with Miranda and a bunch of kids I didn't know.

But Charlie himself decided that I was done. He said I was a different person (in a good way) and that he was proud of the progress I've made. I actually cried a little when he said he was proud. That was awkward, because Charlie's never been good with emotions. But he got the point that I was grateful, and that I wouldn't disappoint him.

So here we are—our very last day of putting up with Miranda. She seems determined to go out with a bang.

"Okay group, we're all going to go around and say one thing we enjoyed about therapy, and one reason we think therapy has helped us. Emmett, why don't you start us off."

Emmett's dimples stand out as he grins and puts his arm around Rosalie, "That's easy. The thing I enjoyed most was meeting Rosie, and therapy has helped me because it showed me that there are more important things than working out or looking good. It's all about who you meet and what you learn from them."

All of us, especially Miranda, are shocked beyond words that something so profound and sweet could come out of Emmett's mouth. Rosalie looks kind of smug, either from his mention of her or from the fact that she knew this side of Emmett existed when no one else did. Either way, his answer reinforced everything I've ever thought about how good they are for each other.

Miranda, still speechless, just nods for Alice to go next.

"Okay. The thing I enjoyed most was getting to know all of you! I enjoyed meeting Jasper the most, of course, but the rest of you guys are my best friends. I'm so glad we all met. And one reason it helped me was because it showed me that other people have more important problems than mine. My issues seem so trivial compared to everyone else's, and I see now that my behavior was childish. Therapy helped me because it made me grow up and become a more responsible person."

Miranda by this point has regained the power of speech and nods enthusiastically, "That was perfect, Alice. Rosalie dear, why don't you go next?"

Rose smiles slightly and takes a deep breath, "Well, the thing I enjoyed most was talking to all of you. Therapy has helped me because by getting to know you all, I opened myself up. I doubt you guys realize just how much I owe my life to you. I truly wanted to die when I first came here. Emmett was a big part of my recovery, but if it wasn't for all of you, I might be dead. So I just want to say thank you to everyone for helping me learn to let go and move on. I love you all."

About halfway through her speech, Rose, Alice, and I are quietly crying. The guys are rubbing our backs and looking sadly at Rosalie, but the first one to break the silence is surprisingly me. I don't even realize it until I'm out of my seat, but I get up and give Rose a tight hug. She leans on me, and we just stand there hugging for a few seconds until our tears are lessened a little bit. I let go of her after one more tight squeeze and move back to my seat, where Edward pulls my hand into his lap and rubs it in soothing circles with his thumb.

Miranda is beaming at the idea that she possibly saved a girl from attempting suicide. But we all know that Rose was definitely not including Miranda when she said 'all of you'. Still, Miranda is smiling hugely when she motions for Jasper to go next.

He sits up straight in his seat and gives a small, private smile to Alice before speaking, "What I enjoyed most about therapy was meeting Alice, of course. Therapy helped me see that I didn't have to pretend to be something I wasn't. Before I came here, I felt useless because I didn't belong anywhere. I never really liked all the partying and drinking, but I did it because I didn't know what else there was. Talking to all of you guys about your lives showed me that there was so much more I could be. I never would have woken up if it weren't for coming here. I thank God that I got a chance to really do something with my life. That I got the chance to fall in love with an amazing girl."

He reaches over and touches Alice's cheek tenderly, and it must be my imagination that Miranda looks a little pissed at the contact. She quickly rearranges her features into a fake smile and says, "Great Jasper. Thanks for sharing that with us. Bella, you can go next."

I nod and grab Edward's hand. "Alright. I enjoyed meeting all of you the most, for obvious reasons. You guys know me better than anyone else does, or ever will. Therapy helped me see what I had become. Things probably would have continued to get worse and worse if I hadn't come here. I was just an overall unhappy person, numb and dead inside. When I came here, I saw that some of you had horrible things happen to you, but none of you gave up like I did. After seeing that, I felt like maybe I could make things better for myself. You guys never judged me when I messed up. You tried to help me when I was going through the worst year of my life, and I'll love you forever for it."

Everyone is smiling back at me, and I realize just how true my words are. I owe them all so much. Miranda smiles softly at me, "Very good Bella. I'm so happy you feel that way. Okay now, Edward, your turn."

Edward smiles at me discreetly and then says with mock solemnity, "Let's see…the thing I enjoyed most about therapy was the coffee. Oh, and meeting Jasper, of course." He winks at Jasper flirtatiously and Jasper just shakes his head, amused.

Miranda frowns deeply and gives a weary sigh, "Edward, be serious please. No one here enjoys your jokes."

In direct opposition to her words, all of us are laughing loudly at Edward's fake offended expression. Finally, after we've all settled down again, Edward takes a deep breath and squeezes my hand tightly.

"Okay, okay. The thing I enjoyed most about therapy was obviously, meeting Bella. Therapy helped me only because it gave me her. I'm grateful that I got to meet all of you, but that was honestly just icing on the cake. Bella is the most important person in my life, and without her, I would never have made any progress whatsoever. I didn't care about anything before she came into my life. Now, I plan to love her every day for the rest of my life, as long as she'll have me."

Tears are leaking out of my eyes slowly as Edward is talking, expressing himself more openly and truthfully than he ever has. I can't believe he feels that way. Sure, we've said we love each other, but things have always seemed a bit unbalanced to me.

I mean, I did try to kill myself because of him.

I guess I never expected him to feel as intensely for me as I do for him. But he does. He _really_ does. His words sound more like a marriage proposal than a confession in group therapy. Have I mentioned how much I love this boy? Once or twice, maybe?

After we're all done pouring our hearts out in this little love fest, Miranda decides to kick it up a notch.

"Okay, now that we've all shared our feelings so wonderfully, I'd like to tell you all what I've enjoyed most about therapy, and how it's helped me. I've enjoyed getting to know all of you young people. Every one of you is so special, and you all have beautiful souls."

No.

She did _not_ just quote a Jesse McCartney song.

This is extremely sickening and disturbing.

She continues, even as Emmett is muffling laughter, "This particular group has helped me understand the problems that society's youth are facing today. I have a secret to share with all of you. This was going to be my last year as a therapist; I had planned to retire after we were finished here. But now, seeing how I've helped all of you has inspired me to continue on. I've realized that there are still people out there that I can heal. So thanks to you, I'll be able to help dozens more troubled young people. Isn't that exciting? It's all thanks to you!"

Her enthusiasm is met with six blank faces. We're doing our damnedest not to look at each other, for fear of breaking into hysterical laughter. I feel like I'm going crazy. Did she really just say all of that?

I look to Edward for confirmation and he looks like he's gagging in his mouth. I cover my face with my hands tightly to hold back my snorts of disbelief. When Miranda finally releases us, we all pile out the door like we're afraid she'll lock us in if we don't get out fast enough.

Or try to hug us.

I get as far from the building as I can before I burst, and a flood of loud laughter escapes my mouth. But my laughter is drowned out by Edward's musical chuckles, Alice's high pitched giggling, Rosalie's silvery laughter, Jasper's mad chortling, and Emmett's booming guffaws. We all calm down individually until we look at each other, which causes it to start all over again.

Edward is the first to get a hold of himself, "Does she honestly believe that bullshit? How sick!"

I agree, "I seriously feel guilty for unintentionally 'inspiring her'. We've subjected countless kids to more Miranda!"

Alice giggles, "I know! We've inflated her ego even more and then unleashed her back into the world!"

Rosalie adds, "Those poor kids! There's nothing we can do but thank god it's not us anymore."

Emmett pulls Rose close, "No kidding. I don't know about you guys, but I'm getting out of here before she comes out demanding a group hug or something. Let's go Rosie. We'll see you guys later."

Jasper and Alice agree and are the next to run for the hills. Edward and I hold hands as we amble over to the Volvo, still laughing quietly.

I look up at him and move closer to his side, "Did you really mean what you said in there? About loving me for the rest of your life?"

He stares down at me and nods seriously.

I smile playfully, "Do you really think you can keep up with me for that long?"

He chuckles, "I don't know. I guess we'll have to wait and see. But I do plan on marrying you someday, Jingle Bells."

His words send a little thrill up my spine and I get goose bumps. I wrap my arms around his waist and lean into his side as he pulls me even closer.

"Edward, if you can keep up with me until I'm twenty one, I'll marry you."

A grin lights up his face, "I think I can make it till then. It'll be tough, but I'll stick it out, just for you."

I smile and kiss his neck lovingly, "Good to know."

**Playlist: Kate Walsh- **_**Your Song**_**, Eisley- **_**Brightly Wound**_**, The Postal Service- **_**Be Still My Heart**_**, OneRepublic- **_**Won't Stop**_

**Please, please review! And enjoy Breaking Dawn! **


	18. Nothing Like You and I

**Holy crap you guys—this story got nominated for the Twilight Awards for Best Angst and Best Romance! It's unbelievable, and I'm so grateful to whoever nominated me. Sadly, this is the last chapter, but I hope you will enjoy it. Thanks to everyone who has supported my story in any way, I owe you all so much. I'll probably put up an announcement when voting for the Twilight Awards begins, basically to beg you all to vote for me lol.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the characters, not I.**

**WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS A LEMON!**

_**Chapter Eighteen**_

_**Nothing Like You and I**_

_**We spent some time  
together walking  
Spent some time just talking  
about who we were  
You held my hand so  
very tightly  
And told me what we  
could be dreaming of**_

There's nothing like you and I

We spent some time  
together drinking  
Spent some time just thinking  
about days of joy  
As our hearts started  
beating faster  
I recalled your laughter  
from long ago

There's nothing like you and I

We spent some time  
together crying  
Spent some time just trying  
to let each other go  
I held your hand so  
very tightly  
And told you what I would be  
dreaming of

There's nothing like you and I  
So why do I even try?  
There's nothing like you and I

I walk down the aisle slowly, silently praying I won't trip on my dress. Or the carpet, my high heels, or thin air. I look up into Edward's emerald eyes, and the paranoid thoughts fade into a quiet buzz in the back of my mind.

He winks at me jokingly, and the paranoid thoughts leave my head completely. When I finally make it to the altar, my smile is so big that my face is going numb.

Suddenly, the wedding march begins and everyone stands up, looking towards the door of the church. They open quietly and my jaw drops, because Rosalie looks _beautiful_.

Her white dress is glamorous, but simple, and her hair is up in an elegant and elaborate design. The veil slightly obscures her face, but even so, you can see how big her smile is. She walks alone, no father to give her away. But Rosalie doesn't need him—she gives herself away.

Emmett is visibly fidgeting up on the altar, shifting his massive weight from foot to foot anxiously and grinning like a madman. Jasper puts a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to calm him down—to no avail it seems. Emmett looks like he wants to pounce on Rose the second she gets within pouncing distance.

I pry my eyes away from the two of them long enough to notice that Edward hasn't taken his own eyes off of me since I walked through the doors. Seeing him stand across from me in his classic black tux, I get chills thinking that this could be _us_ soon. I wonder if that's what he's thinking as well. We've reached my 21 year age minimum, so it's basically a waiting game for Edward to propose for real.

I'm simultaneously dreading it and choking on my excitement. I've never been a big fan of marriage, but for Edward, I'm willing to make an exception. It's not like I'll ever want anyone else.

After the tearful ceremony (on Rosalie and Alice's part—I was too zoned out thinking about my own wedding), we all take a limo to the reception. The wedding party is just the six of us, the way it should be; the way it's been for the past three years. Actually, the way it's been since we all started talking, that third week of therapy.

Rose and Emmett are sitting in the front, making out furiously. Every once in a while, without letting her lips leave his, Rose will smack Emmett's big hands away from her hair so he doesn't mess it up. I seriously wonder why they didn't take their own limo, if they were just going to be doing that the whole ride. Alice is bouncing up and down in her seat, and Jasper is whispering in her ear-- probably imagining their future wedding. Edward and I sit quietly in the back, holding hands, not needing to say anything.

Over the years, I've discovered that as long as we're touching in some way, we don't really need to say anything. It's like as long as our skin has contact, words become unnecessary. We know each other so well, and yet I still can't get enough of him. He told me once that I replaced coke as his drug of choice.

We're addicted.

The limo pulls up to the lavishly decorated reception hall, and my nerves kick into high gear. As the maid of honor, I have to give a speech. I happen to suck at speeches.

Again, Edward knows it just by looking at me, and squeezes my hand reassuringly. I squeeze back and I know he can feel my gratitude. All of us make our way in and settle into our places at the wedding party table. Rose decides that now would be the best time for speeches, before everyone gets too drunk.

As the best man, Jasper goes up to the stage first, clearing his throat into the microphone to get peoples' attention,

"Hello everyone, I'm Jasper Hale, Emmett's best man. First of all, thanks for coming to celebrate with Emmett and Rose. Emmett has been my best friend basically since the first day we met; it's not hard to get along with someone as crazy and hilarious as he is. And as soon as I saw how he looked at Rose, I knew he loved her. Rosalie has become like a sister to me, but she's been through a lot in her life. Emmett…well, Emmett brings fun wherever he goes. He's helped Rose through so much, and they're a perfect match. I just want to say that I love you both, and congratulations. Oh, and Rosalie? Good luck!"

As the clapping and laughter subsides from Jasper's lighthearted teasing, I make my way up to the stage, slightly freaking out. I take a deep breath and look over at Edward, who is beaming at me lovingly. I smile, gaining confidence from that one look, and begin,

"Um hi, I'm Bella Swan, the maid of honor. I would also like to thank you all for coming."

I take another calming, deep breath, "Some people are surprised when they find out that Emmett and Rosalie are still together, since they met so young and under such abnormal circumstances. But it doesn't surprise me in the least. I've been there to watch their relationship grow, and what they have is so much stronger than anyone gives them credit for. Seeing how happy they've made each other over the years, and how happy they make each other still, is a beautiful thing. I'm honored to have met Emmett and Rose, two of my best friends, and I'm so relieved Emmett finally got the guts to propose."

I look over at Emmett and he gives me a fake offended look, sticking out his tongue when everyone laughs. I continue,

"Yes, Emmett, we were all waiting for it. I'm sorry to tell you that you didn't surprise any of us. But seriously, I'm so happy that you two are finally married, and I wish you all the luck in the world, even though I know you don't need it. Luck has never played a part in your relationship; it's been fate from the beginning. Congrats Emmett and Rose, I love you guys!"

Everyone claps as I practically run off the stage, but not before the bride and groom both grab me up into big hugs. I guess Rose has adopted the Emmett-style bear hug now that they're married. As I make my way back to the table, planning on getting good and drunk, Edward intercepts me and pulls me towards the dance floor.

I sigh heavily as I trip after him, "Edward we've been over this at least a thousand times. I. Hate. Dancing."

He just smiles his crooked grin and pulls me to a stop in a less crowded corner, "All I'm asking for is one dance. And it's non-negotiable, so get over it."

I shake my head and lean into his body, swaying awkwardly and trying to keep the sour look off my face. When I hear The Perishers song '_Nothing Like You and I_' come on, my expression lightens considerably. This is the perfect song for the moment.

I see Rose and Emmett in the center of the dance floor, acting like they're the only two people in here. Alice and Jasper float by us, swaying peacefully to the music. I'm perfectly content, but that doesn't mean I want to stay here all night. I can think of a few other things I'd feel even more content to be doing.

"Do you think anyone would notice if we skipped out a bit early?"

Edward chuckles silently, but I can feel the vibrations in his chest, "Uh, let me see. The maid of honor? Yeah, I'm pretty sure someone would notice if she disappeared. Why? Don't you want to catch the bouquet?"

"No, because I already know we're getting married next. It's a dumb, pointless tradition. But if you have your heart set on catching the stupid garter, I guess we can stay for that."

His eyes light up like they do every time I mention us getting married. "Well, don't get mad. But I happen to have a little bet going that you'll be the one to catch the bouquet. Jasper insists that it'll be Alice. So what do you say? Want to win your future husband some money?"

I roll my eyes. "Of course you guys have a bet going. I think all three of you need professional help for your gambling addictions. Maybe I should call up Miranda, I'm sure she'd be happy to see Jasper. You—not so much."

He shivers, "I'd rather you didn't. Just think of it this way: when we get married, what's mine is yours. So if you win me this money, it'll be like you're investing it in our future."

I roll my eyes again. I think one day they really will stick like that.

"You're an idiot. Jasper's an idiot. I would call Emmett an idiot, but that goes without saying. If you want me to catch the damn thing, I want half of your winnings. And I'll invest it in something _I_ want to invest it in."

He groans, "Twenty percent."

"Fifty percent."

"Thirty percent."

"Fifty percent."

"Um honey, I don't think you understand the concept of bargaining. You're supposed to lower your offer as I higher mine, until we find a compromise."

"Fifty percent or I'll lift Alice onto my shoulders and make _sure_ she catches it."

He sighs exasperatedly, "You drive a hard bargain, but okay, I give. Fifty percent."

He pushes me towards the crowd that's gathered to wait for Rose to throw the bouquet, and smacks my ass playfully, "Now go win daddy some money!"

"Please don't ever refer to yourself as 'daddy' ever again. It creeps me out."

He nods solemnly, "Point taken."

I walk slowly over to the group of women, who are already pushing and shoving each other. This is going to be interesting. I find a space next to Alice, and she glares at me with a smile on her face.

"It's on Swan. Bring it!"

I roll my eyes at her antics, "Alice, do ever think that maybe we encourage the boys by playing along with their ridiculous bets?"

She giggles, "Oh, I know we do. But I just can't say no to Jasper, so I end up getting roped into these things."

I shrug, "Yeah me too. But this time, I convinced Edward to give me half of what he wins."

She narrows her eyes, "So you think you're going to win, huh? Well I think you're going down, bitch!"

I grin and shake my head, shoving her lightly. Finally, Rosalie stands up on the stage and turns around, throwing the bouquet over her head dramatically.

It soars through the air, heading straight for Alice. All the women attempt to swarm around the pixie, but she fights them off ferociously. She tries to kick me away too, and is almost successful. Well, that's a lie—she's very successful. I'll have bruised shins tomorrow from that demon sprite.

But I have something Alice doesn't have: an extra six inches of height. I simply reach over to snatch the bouquet out of her fingertips and run like hell back to Edward, who's grinning like a jackass with his arms open and waiting.

I jump into them laughing, and hold up the bouquet triumphantly as the other women groan and grumble. Alice is pouting in Jasper's arms, and they're both giving me and Edward a death glare. We smile and wave smugly.

"Okay, now how much did you guys bet?"

Edward is still grinning, "Ten dollars."

I pull away from his arms and look at him incredulously,

"_What_?! You mean I risked my life in that horde of conniving women for five measly bucks? My shins are bruised! Five bucks won't even buy me a pack of freaking _gum_!"

I smack him hard with the bouquet and then cross my arms over my chest like a child, "I hate you Edward Cullen."

He can't keep the damn smile off his stupid, smug, gorgeous face.

"Hey now, it wasn't just for the money. We also get bragging rights for eternity. Plus, entertainment for me. It was hilarious to watch you girls fight to the death over some pointless flowers."

I refuse to talk to him the rest of the night, instead choosing to sit at the table and eat my weight in cake. I pout all the way home, even as I'm getting undressed and ready for bed. I pull off the strapless, burgundy maid of honor dress and those evil stilettos I was forced into. I'm standing there in my black lacy underwear while deciding what to wear to bed, when Edward enters the bedroom and groans like he's in pain.

"You can't walk around in your sexy underwear when you're not speaking to me. It's not fair—you're playing dirty."

I smirk, "I'm not wearing this for your benefit, Mr. Ego. This is what I had on under my dress at the wedding. Aren't you glad you pissed me off, now that you know what I was packing under that sexy dress?"

"I repeat—not fair. If I'd known you were wearing my favorites under there, I would have dived for the damn bouquet myself!"

"Well, too bad so sad. Eddie's not getting any."

He growls low in his throat and I have to fight the urge to swallow my taunting words and jump him.

"You, evil woman, are going to regret that."

"I really don't think so muffin. I'm quite happy with my decision. But I'm going to be the only happy one in that bed tonight, because I've just decided to wear this to bed. No pajamas for me."

Edward groans again and gets down on his knees, mockingly holding his hands clasped in front of him like he's begging.

He says in an overly- dramatic passionate voice, "Bella my love, my life. Please don't cut me off. I didn't know you'd get that upset about it! I'm sorry, and I'll never drag you into another bet, for as long as we both shall live."

I laugh loudly at that one, and at the fake pleading look on his face.

"Get up, Cullen. I'll take pity on you tonight, just because I can't resist it when you beg for me like that."

He gets a mischievous look in his eyes and an evil smile flits across his face.

"Oh, I think it will be _you_ who is begging for _me_ by the time this night is over."

I hold my hands up and back away slowly, until I feel my back hit the bedroom wall. He stalks towards me with that evil smile still in place, but I can see the lust burning under the surface as his eyes rake over my exposed body. I still can't get over the fact that the lust is there for _me. I_ put it there.

I let out a squeak of surprise when he springs forward to tackle me playfully. He turns in midair gracefully so I land on top of him on the bed, never taking his lips from mine. We continue to make out for quite a while, me straddling him, until I start to unbutton his shirt impatiently. He smirks because he knows I've caved. Dammit.

**(Lemon starts here)**

When I finally get all those annoying buttons undone, I rip the shirt from his chest and he rolls his shoulders to rid himself of it. I trail my fingers down his body seductively and he moans when I slowly trace his flawless abs. If I'm going to cave, I'm going to make it painful for him.

Finally, he's had enough of my teasing and rolls us over so I'm underneath him, unbuckles his pants, and slides them down his hips quickly. I pout because he knows I like to do that part myself, but he just pulls my lips back to his, forcing his tongue into my mouth.

I whimper at the raw passion behind his dominant movements tonight. I've never seen anything so sexy in my entire life. No matter how many times we do this, or how often I trace his body with my eager hands, it's never enough. I'll always want more.

We're addicted.

He unclasps my bra, and I yank his black silk boxers off as he slides my lace panties down my legs. He leaves trails of fire where his fingers touch and now it's just us, no barriers, skin to skin. Delicious.

I'm already so wet for him that foreplay is totally unnecessary, but he still pauses at my breasts to give them both equal attention from his warm hands and mouth. This is his favorite part, or so he's told me. Edward is definitely a boobs man. He teasingly flicks my hard nipples with his tongue, circling them, but never taking his glowing eyes off mine.

By now he's ready for me as well—his throbbing erection is evidence enough. He enters me swiftly, almost roughly, but I love every second of it. In fact I beg for more, harder, faster, deeper. We build up a quick rhythm and move in perfect synchronization.

I want to say that we have this down to a routine, but that makes it sound boring. It's anything but boring, considering the electricity I feel with every touch. But again, it's like we understand each other so well that we know exactly what to do to the other, exactly what buttons to push, to maximize the pleasure.

I sound like a condom commercial.

But I can't really think straight when Edward is moving inside of me like this, kissing my mouth, my neck, my collarbone, my breasts. The way he does it, so fervently, reminds me of someone who's worshipping, or praying. Like he can't believe it's real.

I know the feeling.

In next to no time, the friction is becoming too much and I can feel the coil in my stomach start to tighten to its limit. My walls are milking Edward and I can feel his erection pulsing inside me like never before.

Our thrusting becomes frenzied and wild as we get closer, and our moans echo throughout the room.

Pretty soon, we're both screaming out loudly as our joined bodies shake and tremble in one of the most intense orgasms we've ever had. Is it possible for you to go blind from an orgasm? Because all I can see are spots of light and Edward's sex face.

Have I mentioned how cute his sex face is? He scrunches up his eyes and bites his bottom lip-- it drives me crazy.

He holds me close to him as we ride out the aftershocks, sweaty, panting, and gasping for breath. My entire body feels like jello, and all I can do is laugh breathlessly as he rolls off me and sighs in ecstasy. He has enough strength left to bring the sheets up to our waists and pull me into his side.

**(Lemon over)**

After we catch our breath and come down from the high a little, we lay in the dark, hands clasped between us.

I whisper, "So, I was thinking about _our_ wedding…"

I can't see it, but I can hear the smile in his voice, "And…?"

"What do you think about a therapy- themed wedding?"

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Like, serving stale doughnuts instead of cake."

"And bad coffee instead of champagne?"

"Yes, and Miranda would have to be there."

"Well, that goes without saying. We could have the reception in our old therapy room. I miss those blank white walls and that scuffed up tile floor that I was forced to stare at for hours on end."

"We could have the wedding guests sit in those god-awful, uncomfortable, orange plastic chairs."

"Arranged in a circle, of course."

"Of course. So what do you say?"

"I say whatever my bride wants, she can have."

"I like that answer. If you keep agreeing with me like this, you're going to make an excellent husband."

"I should hope so."

"I love you Edward."

"I'm addicted to you, Jingle Bells."

I laugh softly, "I'd like to think I'm a bit healthier for you than most addictions."

"True. But that doesn't change the fact that I can't get enough of you."

"Good. Because you're not getting rid of me."

"Good. Because this is the _one_ addiction I don't care to break."

**Playlist: The Perishers- **_**Nothing Like You and I**_**, Eberg- **_**Inside Your Head**_**, The Spill Canvas- **_**This is For Keeps**_**, Ryan Adams- **_**Desire**_

**THE END! PLEASE REVIEW!**


	19. AN: Twilight Awards

_**A/N**_

**Hey guys! Sorry I've sent a ton of these, but the link keeps getting messed up. **

**This is just a reminder to vote for **_**Once Upon A Time, In Therapy**_** at the Twilight Awards! It's nominated for **_**Best Romance**_** and **_**Best Angst, **_**so please vote! **

**I know I'm up against some amazing stories that are way better than mine, so if you'd rather vote for them, I completely understand. I might even vote for some of those others lol. **

**I'd also like to reiterate just how unbelievably grateful I am to all of you who have reviewed, put my story on alert, favorited it, or put **_**me**_** on your author alerts or favorites. I sincerely thank you.**

**Okay enough babbling, the link is on my profile!**


	20. AN: Indie Twific Awards

Hey guys, it's been a long time!

I just wanted to let everyone know that Once Upon a Time, In Therapy has been nominated for Best All Human Alternate Universe (Complete) and Best Use of Music as Inspiration (Complete) at the Indie Twific Awards!

Thanks to everyone who nominated me and voted, because I made it to the final round in both categories! This is the part where I shamelessly beg you all to go and vote for me one more time. I'm up against some of my own favorite stories, so I don't expect to win, but I'd really appreciate it if you all voted for me anyways!

Voting is from 7/22 to 7/26, so please head on over and vote for Once Upon a Time, In Therapy. Even if you don't vote for my story, you should still check it out- all of those stories could use some more love!

The link to the site is:

http://www[dot]theindietwificawards[dot]com/

Thanks again for all of your support and votes!!!


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